The Naruto Omake Files: Innortal Style
by Innortal
Summary: Episode 14: These are the Loops that never end...
1. Inner Voice

**The Naruto Omake Files: Innortal Style**

**Chapter 1**

**Inner Voice**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

Quick note: Inner voices will be done **"like this."**

* * *

Sakura was having a wonderful day. Sasuke was back in the Village, Naruto was not hounding her, Tsunade-sensei was teaching her more high-level medical jutsus; the whole moment felt perfect.

Sadly, the Murphy's Law Gremlin had a cousin or thousand in this world as well. As she was walking past a building that was being repaired from a recent skirmish—i.e. her chasing after Naruto for what she deemed another stupid mistake on his part—a roof tile came lose, and fell five stories to hit her square in the head.

Not the forehead though. She was neither looking up, nor was it really as big as people teased. Okay, it was almost as big as people teased, and it was a miracle the tile didn't hit there.

But tell her that? I dare you.

* * *

"Ah, she's waking up now."

Sakura slowly opened her eyes, finding herself in a hospital room. Beside her bed were her parents, Naruto, and Tsunade, whose hands still glowed from the healing jutsu she had used on her.

"**Damn, she must have some major back problems with those."**

Sakura blinked. That had been her inner voice, and it wasn't normally making comments about things like that. "Um ... what happened?"

"You got hit in the head with a roof tile," said Tsunade.

"Yeah, kinda weird," said Naruto. "It was right where you tried to spear me with that antenna. Very weird, almost like they were related."

"Stuff it, Naruto," she growled out.

She turned to her sensei. "Is there anything else wrong with me? I feel a little ... off."

Tsunade examined the girl a little more. "Hmm ... nothing I can see. We'll check again tomorrow. For now, take it easy. That means no more practice."

"Okay," said Sakura, pulling the covers closer to her head, afraid of what else her twisted Inner Sakura might start thinking next. It was supposed to be things about Sasuke and her own fighting prowess. Not stupid stuff like—

"**Man, I wonder what Naruto would look like in assless chaps?"**

The remaining people in the room blinked. "Sakura," sighed Tsunade, "trying to give yourself another head injury won't help matters."

The girl immediately stopped banging her head on the table near her bed. She didn't want to risk the voice getting **more** perverted.

* * *

Sakura sighed as she walked around. The damn voice was getting worse. She was even beginning to argue with it!

"**I wonder if Sasuke is gay."**

"WHAT?" she yelled, before looking around to ensure no one had heard her. _What the hell do you mean by that?_

"**We offered him everything, and he went to Orochimaru. We get back, and he's done nothing."**

_So; how does that make him gay?_

"**Well; there is also the fact that Tsunade has her breasts out in the open, and he never looks at them."**

_That just means he's not a pervert._

"**GAY!"**

_Sasuke is not gay!_

"**Please; I'm straight and even I've noticed her rack. He's never looked, and the closest sign we've seen of his interest in a social life was kissing Naruto."**

_That was an accident!_

As she continued down the street, she passed Hinata, who merely looked at her and smiled. _If she's crazy, then she can't stand between me and Naruto-kun!_

Naruto sneezed on the other side of town, somehow wondering what was going to get him this time.

* * *

"Now what is it, Sakura?" growled out Tsunade. The girl had been bugging her more than Naruto had when Sasuke had left the village.

"I want this damn voice out of my head!" Sakura screamed.

Tsunade nodded, writing down on her pad that Sakura needed to be confined to a nice, comfy, padded room for Tsunade's ... I mean, her own good. "And what is this ... voice ... doing?"

"It's a pervert!" yelled Sakura, before quieting her voice. "It's always talking about breasts, asses, genitals, and suggestions for actions straight from Jiraiya's stupid pervert books!"

"Such as?" asked Tsunade, making further notes for when Sakura would need her head examined.

What followed left the Fifth Hokage blushing. What had followed were detailed descriptions involving the ninjas Sakura had teamed with the last few years, teachers, Tsunade herself, shinobi from other villages, and others still. It followed with costumes, foods, oils, weapons, handcuffs; there were scenery and other items that really did seem to fit better with the pervert-sennin's books rather than life. "I ... see," said Tsunade.

"What's worse; the damn voice is convinced Sasuke is gay because he doesn't check out women."

"Is he?"

"NO!" yelled out Sakura.

"**Oh just admit it; he's gay as Jiraiya is perverted."**

"He's straight, I tell you. You don't know anything, you damn pervert."

"I ... see," said Tsunade, writing down what medication would be better for Sakura's ... problem. "You know, some people believe that these voices are just aspects of yourself trying to be heard."

"I am not a pervert."

"**You are a pervert."**

"I do not want to do any of that stuff."

"Very well," said Tsunade. "I am suspending you from active duty, and I want you to see Yuki for a full mental evaluation."

Sighing, Sakura nodded and left the office.

Tsunade took out a bottle of saké after the door had shut. "I really didn't need that." She shuddered before filling her saucer with the rice wine. "Great, now all I need is for people to know my apprentice wants to cover me in baby oil. I knew it was a mistake to let her anywhere near Jiraiya."

* * *

Sakura looked over the railing of the bridge. _Maybe if I jump ... this will all be over._

It hadn't been too bad when she was sent to see the Village Shrink.

No; what had been worse was when the Inner Pervert had not only reminded Sakura of what its suggestions had been, but it added to them; including a nice little scene involving Sakura, Hinata, Naruto, and several items better found in a house of ill repute.

"**Stop complaining. Hey, maybe this is all Naruto's fault?"**

Sakura blinked. "Yeah, it has to be. If he didn't run away and take his punishment like a man, that roof would have never been damaged. I wouldn't have taken that hit to my head, and I wouldn't have a pervert stuck in there."

"**That's right; you'd have the original Inner Sakura who yells supportive things."**

"Right," growled Sakura. "This is all Naruto's fault."

"**He needs to be taught never to disagree with his Dark Mistress."**

"Right. Naruto; where are you? I'll teach you to run away from your Dark Mistress!"

It took a few seconds for her to realize not only what she had said, but that there were others around who had heard her say it.

"Shit."

"**See; you are a pervert."**

As Sakura ran away screaming in embarrassment and fear, Ino stared at her retreating form in amazement. _So; Sakura plans to dominate Sasuke **and** Naruto._ "I've got to go protect Sasuke!" she cried out, before taking off.

Those same thoughts were mirrored by a certain female Hyuga. "I've got to go save Naruto-kun!" cried Hinata, as she took off as well.

Shaking his head, one village shop owner turned back to return to his store. "And this used to be such a nice village."

* * *

Jiraiya and Kakashi stood off to the side of the practice field, as they watched the two rivals prepare for a rematch. Naruto was already in his usual stance, his aura red as he drew on his darker reservoir of power. Sasuke was also prepared, his full Sharingan out with full fans, and his dark aura flaring about.

This was a battle preordained between the two great developing powers. Only a force of God could stop them.

"NNNNAAAAAAAARRRRRUUUUUTTTTOOOOO!"

Or a very pissed off pink-haired girl with a big forehead.

"Man, she's annoying," muttered Sasuke. _But it will be fun to see him get beaten up by a girl._

"S-S-Sakura," stumbled Naruto, backing away from the intense aura of the girl.

"It's all your fault I have a damn pervert in my head!" she yelled out.

"I'm not a pervert!" yelled out Naruto, now face-to-face with his crush/executioner. "That's Jiraiya-sensei!"

"And he taught you, therefore this pervert in my head was caused by you, thus it is all your perverted fault!"

"That makes ... no sense," said Naruto, scratching the back of his head.

"**Give him a kiss; you know you want to."**

"DIE!" screamed Sakura, tearing into Naruto with the fury she had for the damn perverted voice stuck in her head.

As the one-sided beating progressed, Kakashi turned to his favorite author. "Should we break them up? I'm pretty certain Sakura knows she can get away with an insanity defense."

Jiraiya sighed. "I guess so. Oh, the shame of having an apprentice that can't avoid the beating of an enraged woman."

Sasuke just stood back, observing the fight with his Sharingan. Sure, his fight was cancelled. But seeing Naruto get his ass beat always cheered him up, and he wanted to remember every single detail.

Details, such as this strike Sakura seemed to be changing into a—

"ACK!" yelled Naruto. "That doesn't come off!"

Yes; Sasuke decided this was going to be a good day after all.

* * *

Naruto stared at the ceiling of the hospital room he was now in. By the time the "adults" had stopped the fight; Sakura had tried to head-butt him ... and succeeded in knocking the both of them out. It wouldn't have hurt as much had she not knocked off his

According to the nurses, Sakura was currently in a padded isolation room.

"Man, what the hell she'd have to do that for?" he asked himself.

"Are you feeling better, Naruto-kun?"

He turned slightly, seeing the calm face of Hinata. "Yeah, she didn't hurt me that much. Doc says I just need some rest." _And to stay away from Sakura until they find out what drove her crazy! Man; that girl hits hard! She even tried to rip my limbs off._

Nodding happily, Hinata held some food for him to eat. She would have to feed him, since Sakura's little assault had resulted in his hands being bandaged again. When the meal was finished, she bowed politely. "I have to go to practice. See you later, Naruto-kun."

"Later," he called out, hoping she brought more food. Everything Hinata cooked tasted almost as good as ramen, as far as he was concerned.

Sadly, this left Naruto alone with only his thoughts ... and his permanent roommate.

"**Hey brat; you think Hinata is pregnant or just fat?"**

"WHAT?"

"**She's always wearing baggy clothes, always red in the face and acting weird."**

"Crud, where are you getting this from?

"**Come on; you know you'd do her."**

Blushing, Naruto just pulled the sheets above his head. He really didn't need this.

* * *

Unseen by anyone, a small fully symmetric charka seal appeared on his forehead where Sakura had head-butted him, which had been on the tile that had hit her. It was a seal Jiraiya had made when he was younger, when he was trying to impress a lady friend that he was just as good with making seals as Orochimaru. He used the roof tiles on that house because it was both cheaper than paying for paper, and was right across from a woman's outdoor bathing spring so he could continue his ... research.

This one was originally designed to open the flow of data between the conscious and unconscious mind to be massive, allowing for greater comprehension and recollecting. It was even to be designed to be easily self-replicating and transferable, so there would be less work in constantly redoing it for each new person or losing it from the original.

And if anyone knew about cutting down on a workload, it was a young Jiraiya.

Instead, it opened the path directly to the libido with no care for original wants, desires, or compulsions to a certain degree. Even a passing thought or mild suggestion would be exposed and debated.

And sadly for Naruto, his mind was routing those impulses through the Demon Fox.

And you wonder why Jiraiya ... left ... Kohona.

Now you know. His stupidity lives on.

* * *

Walking home, Sasuke spotted a roof tile on the ground. _Wait a minute; this is where Sakura got hit._ Picking it up, he felt something weird about that tile. _Maybe this has something to do with it?_

"SASUKE!"

He turned in time to be struck by the Flying Kunoichi Glomp of the blond ninja; Ino Yamanaka. This in turn caused him to stumble, fall, drop the tile, and hit it with the back of his head.

"I was worried that damned forehead got you and was using you as her private boy-toy!" cried the blond girl.

"**Go for it, man; she's waiting. What are you; gay?"**

Sasuke blinked, wondering where that voice had come from.

* * *

Omake by armedlord:

Outer Lee: If I can't do my one thousand push ups, then I have to do one thousand sit ups! If I can't do one thousand sit ups, then I'll do one thousand one handed push ups! If I can't do that-

Inner Lee: **Then we have to do Sakura! If we can't do that, then we go do Ten-ten! If we can't do that, then we go do Hinata! If we can't do that, then we have to do Ino!**

Outer Lee: Oh! What a naughty response! I can't do that! Gai-sensei says that will spoil my youth!

Inner Lee: **No it won't! By doing the girls, we can show them how powerful our youth is!**

Outer Lee: What a great idea that is! (mentally hugs his inner self) Inner Lee!

Inner Lee: (mentally hugs his outer self) **Outer Lee!**

Outer Lee: Inner Lee!

Inner Lee: **Outer Lee!**

Random person passing by #1: How long is he going to hug and feel himself?

Random person passing by #2: I dunno, but I rather not look any longer or else I'll blind myself.


	2. Inner Voice 2

**The Naruto Omake Files: Innortal Style**

**Chapter 2**

**Return of the Inner Voice**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

Quick note: Inner voices will be done **"like this."**

* * *

Tsunade looked over the roof tile in her hands, before glancing back towards Sasuke. "And you believe this has something to do with Sakura's ... condition?"

The Uchiha nodded. "There is some weird chakra inside of it that seems to replenish itself from the environment itself. Since it appears to be the same one that hit Sakura, I felt it might be connected."

What was left unsaid was that he had been hit in the back of the head with it, when one very happy and bubbly blond shinobi had tackled him to the ground. But if he was wrong, he figured it would be best to hear what he could expect if it was true rather than embarrass himself by admitting Ino had gotten the drop on him.

As he left, Tsunade continued to look over the tile. She could sense some strange energy in it as well, showing that it might very well have a connection to her now psychotic student.

But she needed a way to either confirm or deny the tile's impact on things, and perhaps find a way to reverse it.

Now, if she could just find a volunteer.

"Damn it," she muttered, five hours having passed since she decided to test it on the next person to come through her door. "This would be the one damn day they leave me be."

* * *

"**Come on, kit. You act like you don't have a pair!"**

Naruto was dealing better with his seal than either Sakura or Sasuke were. Since his body was routing the influence through the demon, since all seals affected it first, he was able to remain mostly normal.

That wasn't to say that the Demon Fox's campaign was not having an effect. While he was normally only interested in perverted things with Sakura, the recent beating and the pep talks of his Inner Demon were making him check out the other beauties of Konoha. His mind was even flashing back to images of Temari, which soon escalated to anything attractive, female, and single that he had encountered on the road as a genin and during his training with Jiraiya.

"**It lives!"** cried the Kyuubi. **"IT LIVES!"** It was joyous at seeing proof that his carrier was showing signs of a sex drive ... of a sex drive of a heterosexual male in his teens.

Now, one may be asking why this made the fox happy. After all, didn't foxes, even demon foxes, mate for life?

Yes, this is normally true. However, this was far from a normal situation. We have Naruto, a human male—a species not usually known for being monogamous in its history. He was a student of the most perverted ninja ever to be produced by The Hidden Leaf. As such, Naruto and thus the Fox had witnessed many acts of what many would call ill-repute.

Now, with all that, add a seal that was being directed through a very powerful being that was not used to being influenced, funneling the sex drive of a teen male through him, and we have a dual-mind creature who was slowly beginning to develop the mentality that it needed to nail anything and everything female, of legal age, of no relationships, and hot.

Blushing, Naruto looked around, trying to determine if anyone saw him doing anything he shouldn't be doing. That was followed by a quick and panicked search to see if Sakura had somehow escaped from her locked and padded room to pursue him once again. After all, she usually arrived whenever he had such thoughts in the village, and they both fell into a situation where she would beat the hell out of him for it.

And ever since she had begun her training with Tsunade, she had become very, **very**, strong. So strong that Naruto was relatively certain he would have been paste a long time ago if not for the healing abilities granted to him by the Demon Fox.

"**Right; now thank me by finding some tail!"**

Naruto sighed, wishing the demon was just occasionally asking him to kill indiscriminately once again.

"**Damn it, kit! Why won't you go get laid! Hell, I don't care is she makes Jiraiya look cute, just go find something female and do the mating dance!"**

Shaking his head in reservation, he walked off towards one of the training fields once again, desperate to burn off this energy doing something less painful than what would occur if he followed the Fox's advice and got caught.

"**What are you, gay?"**

* * *

"**Come on, you know you want to!"**

Sasuke shook his head. He knew the seal was beginning to affect him, he could feel the dark powers of its chakra flowing through him even now.

Gods, it was making him want to be back with Orochimaru, or even training with Lee and Gai; anything to be rid of the voice.

"**I knew it, you're gay!"**

"I am not!" screamed Sasuke, his patience long since eroded by the relentless teases of the inner voice.

"**Prove it!"**

Looking around, Sasuke spotted one of the girls who had always hounded him when he was at Academy. Walking up to her, he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her.

* * *

Ino had been trailing Sasuke ever since he had left the Hokage Tower, waiting for a moment to tackle him again, and prove how much better a girlfriend she would be than Sakura. Hell, even her bust was larger than the Forehead.

And then he spotted her. She felt eternal joy well up in her heart as he walked over to her, determination in his eyes.

And then ... he kissed her.

And as it ended, she could only say one thing. "Huh."

"What do you mean, 'huh'?" asked Sasuke.

"Well, I always figured our first kiss would be powerful, fireworks, everything girls dream it to be," she said, looking confused.

"And?" he asked impatiently. After all, he thought the kiss was pretty good.

Ino sighed. "And it was like ... this kiss was like ... kissing a family member."

"WHAT?" yelled Sasuke.

"**GAY!" **screamed his inner voice.

And with that, Sasuke took off in rage, yelling out towards the heavens.

Ino sighed. "I mean, he could have done better. Maybe that was why Sakura was always after Lee of Naruto."

Then the blond paused. Could Sakura have already known Sasuke was a bad kisser? Did she purposely keep up the chase to keep her away from the better kissers? "DAMN YOU SAKURA!"

* * *

"And you feel nothing?" asked Tsunade to her first test subject with the seal.

"Nothing different," said Anko.

"Okay, you can go. Bring me Jiraiya when you find him. This has his stink all over it."

"Right," said the snake-ninja, as she vanished.

Tsunade sighed. "Perhaps trying that seal on her was a bad idea. I mean, does she even have any inhibitions to lower?"

"AHHHHH!" came a scream from nearby. "LET ME GO!"

"COME TO MAMA!" came the yell of one Anko Mitarashi.

Tsunade sighed "I knew that wouldn't work on her."

* * *

"Stop her!"

"I got her—urk!"

"No!"

Smiling, Sakura put down the last unconscious nurse who had tried to subdue her. The voice was still there, but she felt much better.

Because now ... now she knew what she had to do to make it all better.

"Naruto," she growled out.

* * *

"Achoo!" sneezed the boy in question, after the eighty-ninth shiver had gone down his back.

"**Maybe a hot girl is fantasizing about you, kit?"**

Naruto scowled. "Or another weirdo is about to come kill me."

"**All the more reason to get laid; no one should die a virgin!"**

"Naruto-kun?"

The blond stopped, turning slowly to the voice who had called out to him, spotting the lady Hyuga. "Hinata!" he cried out, ignoring the Fox's sad rants about how he couldn't 'see them jiggle'. "What's up?"

"Um ... I was wondering how you're doing..." she mumbled. "I went to see you in the hospital, but they said you were already released.

"Yeah, I got a lot better," said Naruto, flexing his formerly bandaged hands. "It's thanks to all that good food you made for me. You're a great cook, Hinata."

The girl blushed heavily, nearly fainting at those words of praise from her long-time crush.

"Oh, Hinata, I gotta ask; why do you always wear that bulky coat for?"

She immediately paled. Did he think she was a freak? Did he assume she was horribly disfigured and wore the coat to hide it?

"I mean, it ain't that cold. Aren't you burning up under it?"

"**Good move, kit. Have her take it all off!"**

_Shut up, you!_

"Um ... it's weighted clothes, Naruto-kun," she admitted. "But I guess I can take it off for a bit."

As she tossed it, Naruto's attention was not on the article of clothing that had just made a small crater in the forest floor.

No, his attention was riveted to the beautiful female form that had been revealed when said article was removed.

The Demon Fox nearly howled in glee as its container started showing signs of actually desiring a female, as it continued to observe the curves of the furless human.

It was even happier to see him rush to the female and embrace her.

That was until Naruto jumped back, revealing that he had saved Hinata from being hit with several kunai.

"Now that was foolish, my pet," came the voice that began to send shivers down Naruto's back. "You dare defy the will of your Dark Mistress?"

"You're sick, Sakura," yelled Naruto. "Why aren't you in the hospital so the Hokage can fix you up?"

Sakura descended to the ground, smiling, as she felt Naruto's eyes look at the outfit she had ... borrowed ... from Anko's closet, a black skin-tight outfit that left very little to the imagination of anyone who looked at it. Of course why it had zippers at several areas and came with a matching hood that Sakura had decided not to wear was anyone's guess. "Because I know what I need to be cured, Naruto. I need to show you how to ... please ... your Dark Mistress."

"Like hell!"

The trio turned to see another girl, the blond haired Ino. "I won't let you take the all the guys in the village who are great kissers," she proclaimed. "Why don't you leave Naruto alone and go after Sasuke?"

"Sasuke has not offended me," said Sakura, blowing on her new nails. "Naruto is the bad boy who needs to learn proper ... discipline."

"I won't let you hurt Naruto-kun!" yelled Hinata, still conscious after nearly fainting when her beloved Naruto-kun had held her tightly as he rescued her. "Byakugan!"

Naruto could only baulk at what he was seeing.

"**What did I tell you, kit. You've got three hot pieces of ass after you. Now be a man and take them all!"**

_No way! They're about to kill each other!_

"**Then we need to give them something else to focus on!"**

Before Naruto could ask what that something is, the Demon Fox proved that even sealed, he could still ... direct ... some of the chakra to do as he desired.

Of course, if you asked Naruto later on, after the Fox did what he did to ... help, the blond would fully disagree that it had ... helped ... his situation at all.

* * *

"Greetings," bowed Tsunade. "Welcome back to Konoha."

"Thank you," bowed Gaara, as did his older brother and sister. "I look forward to the meeting, as well as reuniting with old friends."

"So what has the little brat been up to?" asked Temari.

"Well," began Tsunade, before said person showed up.

"AHHHH!" screamed Naruto, nude, scared, and running as if the hounds of hell were after him.

"How dare you run from your Dark Mistress!" yelled Sakura in a black skin-tight outfit, as she gave chase.

"I'll save you, Naruto-kun!" yelled Hinata, chasing after them, her oversized coat missing.

"I want my kiss, damn it!" yelled Ino, following.

The group could only stare, Shizine holding her head, shaking it in embarrassment.

It was only made worse as Sasuke walked by, screaming towards the heavens that he too was straight, and one bad kiss didn't mean anything.

"Did we perhaps come at a bad time?" asked Gaara.

"Hello, cutie," said Anko, materializing beside the dark puppet ninja.

Very little ever scared Kankuro. But this woman was pinging that needle way past 'old Gaara', and all she was doing was nibbling on his ear. Who knew what that needle would do if she continued on.

"Why me?" said Tsunade. _When I find that bastard pervert, he is **so** dead!_

* * *

Jiraiya looked up from his ... studies, towards Konoha.

"You sense something?" asked Gamabunta.

The old Sennin nodded. "My senses tell me to avoid Konoha for a very long time."

"What did you do?" asked the Frog King.

"Why is it always automatically my fault?"


	3. Inner Voice 3

**The Naruto Omake Files: Innortal Style**

**Chapter 3**

**Silence of the Inner Voice**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

Quick note: Inner voices will be done **"like this."**

* * *

"What the hell are we doing up here?" asked a young Orochimaru, sitting beside his white-haired teammate.

"Research and experimentation," answered the young Jiraiya.

"You mean I work on seals and you stare at the females in the public bathes," muttered the pale skinned genin.

Jiraiya smirked as he held up a second pair of binoculars. "You could help me in my research?"

Orochimaru glared at him, before taking the offered binoculars. "Well then, explain how we are going to practice making seals? I didn't bring any paper, and you barely remember to bring what you write on."

Smirking, Jiraiya patted the rooftop. "The ninja way is to use what you have available. We'll use these tiles."

"The tiles?"

"Yes, the tiles."

Orochimaru sighed. Why was he always teamed up with losers? _Sometimes, I have to wonder if they'll eventually drive me insane._

Man, if he only knew...

Smirking, Jiraiya quickly looked off towards the bathes, as Orochimaru slowly joined him. "I will admit ... this is somewhat enjoyable," slowly said the snake genin.

"I just hope Tsunade doesn't bathe there today," muttered Jiraiya. "I'd rather not see that black hole she calls a chest."

"Oh really," said an angry feminine voice.

The two males gulped, as they slowly lowered their binoculars, and turned to face the woman in question.

"It's all his fault!" yelled out Orochimaru, desperately trying to save his own ass.

"Traitor!" yelled Jiraiya, as he took off running, the angry Tsunade in hot pursuit.

"COME BACK HERE, YOU BASTARD!"

Orochimaru just chuckled as he sat back down and lifted the binoculars to his head, switching between following what would be a grand beating on his rival, and the women in the bath. "Ah, I live for days like this.

"I just wish he would use papers. These tiles are covered with his chicken-scratch."

Before he could resume his viewing pleasure, one particular tile caught his attention. "Idiot didn't even finish them." Fixing what he thought was an unfinished tile; he nodded before resuming his viewing. "Beating or girls, beating or girls; what to watch?"

* * *

_Present..._

"I should have destroyed that roof while I had the chance," muttered Tsunade, as she slowly sat up on her bed. "I mean, I knew he was up to no good, and that place always gave him the best perch to peek at people bathing, but no; I had to be a good little ninja and not needlessly destroy property in the village."

Shaking her head, she slowly stood up. "I guess we all have our follies of youth. I mean, who knew whatever he did would actually work. Jiraiya sucked at seals like that when he was that age. I figured he just liked to doodle while peeping in on the bathing girls."

Shaking her head, she turned back to the bed. "Well, I gotta go find that letch and get him to fix this. I'll see you later, stud." Smirking, she left.

Now, for those wondering what in the Nine Hells is going on here, it is quite simple.

Tsunade, being stressed out from the work of a Hokage, as well as both the search for Jiraiya as well as the scene with the contingent from the Sand Village, found herself exhausted, and thought her head would look better on the desk, sleeping.

The result was she head-butted the tile, and received the seal.

Before she could warn anyone what had just occurred, that was the moment that Kakashi entered her office to report on the search.

Needless to say, Tsunade experienced a sudden drop in her control.

Which is why we can now find Kakashi severely dehydrated, pale, swollen—Tsunade isn't one for soft love—and slowly looking over at his copy of Ichi Ichi Paradise. He wasn't sure whether he should curse the author of the book, or thank him for the time of his life.

If Tsunade had dropped her genjutsu, we'd all know the answer to that one.

* * *

"Psst," came a call from a bush near the Lee's Dojo. "Fuzzy-brows, you there?" 

The taijutsu master slowly peeked out of his door. "Naruto-kun, is that you?"

The blond nodded, still hiding in the bushes of what he hoped wasn't poison ivy. "Can you hide me? Sakura's gone crazy, and I need some clothes. Mine sort of ... exploded off me."

"Ah," said Lee, "your clothes could not contain your youthful energies. Come then, I have an extra set of clothes Gai-sensei gave to me, so that I could pass them on to my next student as well."

That brought a smile to Naruto's face. After all, he had always wanted to try on that green jumpsuit, but Kakashi and Jiraiya always burned the thing before he could.

Very weird ...

"Okay then," said the blond, "where can I change?"

"I have a changing room in back, you can use that."

Nodding, the demon fox container made his way inside.

"**Damn it kit, you'll never get laid wearing that!"**

Sadly, not everyone agreed with his new choice of clothes, but Naruto felt it was better than running around naked.

"**You should; let the females see who the best male is. You ever see a clothed animal ... aside from the ones you summon? Nope, naked is natural."**

Naruto paused to rub his forehead. _Can't you go back to threatening me and wanting to kill?_

"**I don't know? Can you stop being a pussy and get some? Damn it kit, I'm dying here!"**

* * *

Tenten sighed as she rubbed her head, walking away from her short battle with Dark Mistress Sakura. "She didn't need to head butt me," she murmured, hoping she didn't have a concussion. With most of the village now either looking for the perverted Sennin or trying to locate and capture Sakura, it was doubtful many people were left in the hospital to take care of her. 

"Man, where am I anyway," she muttered, looking around the path. "Wait, isn't this the way to Lee's Dojo?" she wondered aloud.

She smiled at that. Not only would she be able to get some help for her headache; but since Lee was always there practicing, she'd be able to watch.

"**Yeah, and when he takes off his sweaty shirt, those rippling muscles..."**

Nodding in agreement with her inner voice, she continued onward. Strangely, she didn't find these thoughts odd.

Makes you wonder what's usually going through her mind.

* * *

Lee continued to try and beat his personal best record for continuous hand-stand pushups while holding an extra fifty kilograms by his feet—and thus was the reason Naruto was now mentally arguing with the Demon Fox about exactly how badly the boy needed laid, or if even Gai had ever been laid.

"Now that's what I like to see."

Pausing in his quest, Lee arched his head up. "Ah, Tenten, have you come to work on your youthful fire as well?"

The kunoichi smiled as she fiddled with the ties on her shirt. "You ... could say that."

"Ah, excellent," said Lee, finishing his last set of pushups before standing. "Gai-sensei has imparted unto me his knowledge of how to properly train our fires of youth for their greatest potentials. What would you like to work on ... today ... um..." he trailed off, as Tenten was now minus her shirt, revealing a bra-clad chest.

"I have my own exercises in mind," she smiled, as she slowly walked over to the stunned ninja.

* * *

"**I'm telling you kit, if you keep acting like this, you'll be like them and you'll never see any tail ... unless they fixed themselves.  
**

"**YOU BETTER NOT GET US FIXED, KIT!"**

Naruto cringed. He didn't even know what 'getting fixed' was, but if it would get the damn kyuubi off his back, it had possibilities then.

Looking at himself in the mirror provided in the changing room, Naruto found himself unable to resist the lure of performing the 'nice guy' pose.

"**Kit, are you trying to make us gay?"**

Naruto ignored his tenant. After all, what did the demon fox know about getting human women?

Not that Naruto had any desire for that, even if his last few experiences with Hinata and Sakura had given him that weird feeling in his stomach, like he had had bad milk again.

"Hey Fuzzy-Brows," called out Naruto as he exited the changing room, "thanks for the suit, it ... fits ... um..." he paused.

Before him, Lee was currently on his back, his eyes full of fear, and the top half of his suit torn in half by a topless Tenten. Her eyes slowly stared up at him, her face full of killing intent. "I don't do this in front of others, leave ... NOW!"

"**Well I'll be a cat's mother," **said the Kyuubi.

"Help me, Naruto-kun!" screamed Lee. "Tenten is attempting to steal my youthful fire!"

"Shut up and take it like a man, bitch!" yelled the weapon user kunoichi.

"GOOD LUCK FUZZY-BROWS!" screamed Naruto, making a run for it.

"Now that we are alone," smiled Tenten, as she gazed at her catch, "its time to show Mama what she likes!"

"Eep!" screamed Lee.

And thus, Rock Lee did something no one ever thought he would be able to ... without paying a lot of money or getting her drunk first.

* * *

"**Lee's getting laid," **muttered the Kyuubi no Yoko. **"By the Nine Hells, boy; the end of the world is near!"**

Naruto ignored his passenger, still on the lookout for Dark Mistress Sakura. He felt a little bad about leaving Lee like he had.

But he wasn't about to put himself between someone and an insane ninja female if he could help it.

"**Forget that flesh bag! Didn't you hear me? The end is near! Get laid while you can!"**

_Would you just shut the hell up!_

"**You are not dying a virgin, kit!"**

Naruto sighed, before activating a jutsu to make him look like Rock Lee. "As long as no one lets Tenten out of that dojo, I'll be safe."

"**END OF THE WORLD!"**

Naruto/Lee twitched. Why couldn't he have a damn mute option for the fox?

* * *

"So now you know," said Shizune, as she explained the current situation to some genins who were helping to find Jiraiya.

"But if Naruto-kun was hit by the seal because of Sakura," asked Hinata, "then why isn't he ... um..." she fizzled out.

Shizune sighed. After all, it wasn't like these genin didn't know the truth already. _Damn drunken Tsunade, she just had to yell it out to them all, asking out loud if Naruto did that as quick as a fox as well._ "We believe that the seal holding the Kyuubi no Yoko inside of him is strong enough to pull any seal through the demon first, before it can affect Naruto. As such, it is most likely the demon is feeling the seal's effect, and not Naruto."

"A seal that makes you want sex," said Shikamaru. "Man, that's such a drag," finished the lone chuunin there.

"Anyway," said Shizune, wishing once again Tsunade had not 'left to go visit her favorite Cyclops' and left her with dealing with things, "we need to find Jiraiya, and get him to tell us how to deactivate this seal."

"But what about those already affected by the seal?" asked Kiba.

Shizune sighed. "We can do nothing for them now. Find Jiraiya, and avoid being hit in the head by another head. It seems to be how the seal is transferred."

As the group left, Hinata paused for a bit as her mind tried to make sense of what she had learned.

Naruto was under the effect of the seal.

The demon was most likely demanding that Naruto be perverted.

Anyone hit by the seal started becoming perverted.

After the seal was deactivated, anyone under it would not be held liable for how they acted.

This meant ... she could either get hit by the seal or pretend to be ... and thus be able to act like she wanted to with Naruto without fear of being blamed or held responsible in any way.

"Damn," she muttered, "where is the seal at?"

* * *

Kakashi was halfway to the bath, which was impressive in the fact he had needed only five hours to drag himself the distance of seven meters while using only his right pinkie finger.

Right now, his mind was focused on one goal and one goal alone: getting the hell out of Tsunade's apartment, getting medical attention, and then killing Jiraiya.

It was one thing to read about those types of situation in a book, reality was much more ... painful.

Yes, painful did describe it as feeling started to return to his nether region, only to make him wish it hadn't. Tsunade had not been gentle. Add to that memories he both wanted to keep and get rid of—some things one should never see their leader doing, even if it is to them—and you have his reason for seeking out both the maker of the seal and wanting him dead.

"Oh, Kakashi-kun..." came the whimsical reply.

Paling slightly more, he turned his head to the door, where he spotted Tsunade wearing an Arabian belly dancer outfit.

"I'm ready for Round 2," she purred, as she stalked towards him.

If he had had the fluids available, he would have cried.

As such, he missed it when she placed the seal down on her bedside table.

* * *

Gai paused in his search, as he slowly turned back towards the village. "I sense a great disturbance in the youthful energy of the land, as if my greatest rival had suddenly cried out in confusion, fear, and anger, before he was suddenly silenced."

"Be quiet and keep looking," growled out Genma.

Gai sighed, before he paused. "I wonder where Lee is. Such an exercise would be perfect for him."

* * *

Said student was silently crying, a nude Tenten resting happily on his nude form as she purred.

_My ... my youthful fire ... she took my youthful fire..._

And thus Rock Lee learned the hard way about what it truly meant to no longer be a virgin.

* * *

Kankuro stumbled down the street, his former body suit now a few tattered strips that barely preserved his modesty ... and his Little Mermaid boxers. "My God, the sun is so bright! How ... how long has that woman held me? Weeks? Months?"

"You've been gone nine hours, idiot," growled out Temari.

Gaara nodded, before holding out his hand, as his sister put several bills of money in it. She had thought her brother would at least be gone for a whole day, considering how manly he claimed he was.

She planned to take that out of his ass later.

Gaara simply continued his glare, not showing outwardly his joy that he could now buy some of that delicious ramen he had heard so much about, as he turned to his brother. "It took you nine hours to escape her capture. That is ... disappointing."

"Hey," said Temari, "where's your puppet?"

"Don't ask," said the now paling ninja, as the memories of what **had** happened to his puppet came to the surface quicker than he could suppress them. "Just ... don't ask."

* * *

Naruto/Lee made his way down the streets of Konoha, trying to remain in character as much as possible, as he looked to be carrying close to two hundred kilograms of additional weight 'to train his youthful fires to burn even brighter'.

"Hey, Lee!"

He tried to hide his fear as he turned around, hoping against hope that the voice he had heard was not the one he currently feared.

"Have you seen Naruto?" asked Dark Mistress Sakura, slapping a riding crop against her leg. "He's been very naughty, and I need to discipline him ... now," she growled out the last part.

Gulping, Naruto/Lee tried to think of a response that would save his ass and get Sakura further away from him. "He is training his youthful energies at my dojo, as well as practicing his cloning jutsus."

_I'm so smart! Now when she sees Fuzzy-Brows there, she'll think he's me under a jutsu!_

The Kyuubi stayed quiet. Sure he wanted to get his container laid ... but this was one scary ass bitch!

"Good," smiled Sakura, before she turned around.

But it wasn't going to be that easy for Naruto. Sakura noticed something in her conversation. Lee had spoken to her ... with fear in his voice, not the usual confidence and puppy love he usually showed.

Turning around, she decided to test a theory. "I just heard Ichiraku's Ramen shop just burned down."

"NOOOOOOO!" cried Naruto/Lee, as he fell down to his knees. Looking up to the heavens, he held his arms outstretched. "Why must you take away all that I love?" he screamed out.

"NARUTO!" cried out Sakura, as she dispelled his image.

"Yikes!" cried the discovered ninja, as he took off as fast as he could.

"Stop running from your Dark Mistress and take your punishment like a good slave!"

"Where did we go wrong?" cried Sakura's mother, as the duo passed her.

"Personally, I blame you," replied Sakura's father, right before his wife's fist introduced him to Mr. Concussion.

* * *

Jiraiya simply sighed once again as he sat in the Hokage's office. He had no idea why he had been dragged here ... for once. After all, he hadn't done any ... research in or near Konoha for a few weeks, more than enough time in his opinion for people to have moved on with their lives.

"Where is she?" asked Genma. "Given how serious the situation is, you'd think either she or Shizune would be here?"

"Get your ass in there!" came the scream from Shizune from outside the main door.

"I don't wanna!" screamed Tsunade. "I wanna go back to my grey haired Cyclops!"

"You can do that after we're done!"

"But I wanna go back now!"

"KEEP THE DAMN ROBE TIED TIGHT!"

The men in the office could only blink at the door.

"Grey haired Cyclops?" muttered Gai.

"I think its best we don't ask," muttered Genma, before he clapped his hands and offered a prayer that Kakashi had not suffered for long.

The doors busted open, with Tsunade sailing over them, before she hit the wall and slid behind her desk.

Before the others could ask about whether or not the Fifth Hokage was ... alive, they found their attention once more focused on Shizune, as she now had Jiraiya suspended off the floor by his jacket. "If you have any idea of the horrors I've seen because of this damn seal, then you will tell me how to remove it ... NOW!"

Gulping, Jiraiya took the offered seal and began examining it. After all, Shizune looked like she was in her 'I know how to drag out the pain' mood. _Let's see; looks kind of old. Maybe one of those seals I worked on while doing research at those bathes. Hmm, appears to have two writers..._

_Woah, Orochimaru actually helped finish it! I almost feel bad now for spreading those rumors that he only preferred boys now._ "Have you just tried breaking it?" he asked.

"Excuse me?" growled Shizune.

"Yeah," said Jiraiya. "That's why I used roof tiles: they were easy to crack if they went wrong, so I didn't have to worry about them lingering."

Shizune lowered him until she was staring directly into his eyes. "If you are lying ... there will only be **two** living sennin, understand?"

"Perfectly!" squeaked the perverted hermit. "But it'll take a few hours for the seal's effect to wear off," he hastily added. After all, he didn't exactly know that for certain. But he hoped that if it didn't fade immediately ... they wouldn't take away his happy bits.

* * *

It was a very subdued group of Konoha's younger ninjas at Practice Field 9.

"Would you guys quit staring at me?" yelled Sakura, causing everyone to twitch slightly in fear.

"I understand and obey, my Dark Mistress," chuckled Kiba.

"My fire ... gone..."

"Get over it, Lee-kun," smiled Tenten. Oddly enough, she didn't have any regrets.

"I'm just glad that's over with," said Naruto. Finally, things could get back to normal.

"**Kill all the males and take the women for your own pleasures, brat!"** yelled the Kyuubi.

Naruto had to sigh at that. Even free of the seal, the damned fox was still trying to get him laid. _What more can go wrong?_

"NARUTO-KUN!"

He turned in time to get hit by the Hyuuga heiress, as she wrapped her arms around him and nuzzled him with her cheek.

"H-H-Hinata!"

"I got hit by the seal!" she smiled as she sat up and prepared to kiss her true love.

"The seal was destroyed," muttered Shino.

Hinata paused at that. "I-i-it was?" she squeaked.

The bug ninja nodded.

"... Oh," she replied, before shying off of Naruto.

Before the blond ninja could try and figure out why Hinata believed she was under the control of the now destroyed seal, he found himself silenced by another pair of lips.

The others could only stare in shock—even a few of Shino's bugs fell off of him in surprise—as Ino locked lips with the demon container and slipped him her tongue.

As she released him, she licked her lips, ignoring the fact her victim slumped to the ground, shock on his face, and a bit of blood dribbling out from his nose. Her gaze soon fell on Sakura. "So, you **were** hiding the best kissers in the village!"

"What!" yelled Sakura, not believing her ears.

"You let all of us think you were after Sasuke, when you were really hiding the best kissers in the village!" accused the blond kunoichi.

"Sasuke's a lousy kisser?" asked Chouji, pausing only briefly in his consumption of his ever present bag of chips.

"Lee's a very good kisser," purred Tenten.

"How can I ever face Gai-sensei without my fire?"

"For taking my Naruto-kun's lips, die!" screamed Hinata, launching herself at Ino.

Naruto slowly came back to reality, one thought on his mind. _Hey, where is Sasuke?_

* * *

Sasuke had stumbled upon the idea he had felt would forever silence that annoying voice in his head that insisted he was truly gay: he would sleep with a girl. And not any girl mind you, only a girl that was considered too dangerous for low level heterosexual males, for fear of their imminent death.

He needed a girl that only the most daring of straight men would try to nail.

He would sleep with Anko Mitarashi.

After a quick talk to, followed by pointing out that Kankuro had escaped her handcuffs, Sasuke soon found himself handcuffed, roped to, and glued to, the bed of Anko. Since it was very rare that she got ... volunteers ... to play with, she wasn't going to take any chances that he would run.

_Are those puppet parts stuck to the ceiling?_

His smirk soon faded as the drive for such actions faded away, the seal flaring to life on his forehead, before it too faded.

_Hello? Anyone there?_

He started to worry, wondering what the hell had ever possessed him to do something so stupid.

"Don't worry," smirked Anko, now wearing very little, "no one can hear you scream here, and trust me, you ... will ... scream!"

And this folks is what we call a win-lose situation.


	4. Sailor Moon Tryouts

**Sailor Moon Tryouts**

**Naruto Edition**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

Thank D. Weird for giving me these ideas.

* * *

"This just keeps getting worse and worse," growled Rei, as they sent another group of anime candidates back to their own universe after they all failed to produce viable candidates to replace Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Kamen as the duo went on a honeymoon.

"Okay," said Minako, scratching of the cast from 3x3 Eyes from the list of possibles. "Whose next?"

"Um ... the cast of Naruto," said Hotaru, looking at a clipboard.

"Well, we'll know they can fight," said Haruka.

"WAH!" cried Usagi. "At this rate I'll never get to go on my honeymoon!"

"Don't worry, Usako," Mamoru said, trying to comfort his girlfriend. "I mean, we can celebrate here instead of Hawaii, or Canada, or any of those other expensive places you want to go."

"But it has to be perfect!" she cried. "The movies always say that the couple get married, go somewhere really, really romantic, and share a spectacular kiss!"

The others could only blink at her.

"Um..." said Ami, scratching the back of her head, "you do know what else comes after that, right?"

The others paled slightly as Usagi looked at them with confusion. "Something else? You mean like room service?"

Though he wasn't showing it, Mamoru felt like he was going to have to cry very soon.

Setsuna sighed, as she went over to the future queen, and whispered what happened on honeymoons, into her ear.

Usagi could only blink, before stating her eloquent reply.

"EWWWWWWW!"

"Get the Naruto crew here," grumbled Makoto, rubbing her forehead.

* * *

"YOSH!" cried Gai. "Together with Lee-kun, we shall protect this fair city from the forces that seek to create an unyouthful land where the fires of youth never burn!"

"Gai-sensei!" cried Lee, tears going down his face. "I shall forever stand by you against the forces of evil that would rob the youth of this land of their fire!"

"Lee-kun!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Stop it!" yelled Rei, covering her eyes. The flashes from their teeth were about to give her a seizure. "We are Sailor Senshi! Why are you dressed as Batman and Robin?"

"..."

"I'll get Dumpling Head for this," Rei muttered as she turned around.

* * *

**Test Case #1: Naruto and Hinata:**

Sailor Moon flashed between the attacking youma, dispatching them quickly thanks to her harsh training in the Hyuuga style of the Gentle Fist.

"Way to go, Sailor Moon!" cheered Tuxedo Kamen from a nearby rooftop, eating yet another bowl of ramen that Sailor Jupiter had prepared.

"N-N-Naruto-kun is watching!" squeaked Sailor Moon, before she passed out.

"Hey! You guys hurt her!" yelled Tuxedo Kamen, hopping down. "Sure, she's a little weird, but why'd ya do that? I'll have to teach you all a lesson! Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

"You think we could learn to do that?" asked Venus, as the dozens of Tuxedo Kamens began to tear into the invading horde.

"I could get so much studying done with that technique," muttered Mercury.

"Don't even think about it," muttered Neptune, poking Uranus in the ribs.

"Sure, take away my dream," muttered the short-haired Senshi.

"Tux.."

"e..."

"do..."

"Ka..."

"men..."

"Rendan!" cried one shadow clone, as he delivered a strong heel to the back of the youma's head, driving it into the pavement.

* * *

**Test Case #2: Kakashi and Shizune:**

"Where the Hell is he?" yelled Sailor Moon, as she struggled against the youma.

"He knew what time we started, right?" asked Sailor Jupiter.

* * *

**Test Case #3: Naruto and Sakura:**

"Sailor Moon!" cried out one Dark General. "You may have defeated my forces—though I can honestly say I didn't expect you to literally punch them into pieces—but you will find that your strength is no match for mine!"

"Oh, I love a challenge," smirked Sailor Moon, cracking her knuckles.

"Allow me," grinned Tuxedo Kamen, as he preformed the handseals. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

The Dark General looked around at the shadow clones. "You think this weak move will get me? I have already discovered a weakness.

Tuxedo Kamen smirked, before he changed his hand seals once more. "Hāremu no Jutsu!"

The shadow clones instantly changed into nude female versions of Naruto, small clouds hiding whatever naughty bits might be exposed, before jumping the Dark General.

"There's no way that much blood could have come from him," muttered Mercury, trying to figure out how one Dark General could pump out that much blood from his nose.

"The Outers are down," muttered Minako, staring at the two Senshi currently in a puddle of their own nasal blood.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO USE YOUR PERVERTED TECHNIQUES AGAIN! GET BACK HERE AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT LIKE A MAN, NARUTOOOOOOO!"

* * *

**Test Case #4: Sakura and—**

"Hello," said Tuxedo Kamen, holding a small orange booklet labeled 'Icha Icha Dating Tactics'. "Sorry I'm late, I got lost on a train of thought."

"LIAR!" yelled many of the ninjas.

"Oh," said Kamen. "Did I miss anything?"

"Let me show you what you missed!" yelled a slightly injured Sailor Moon (Shizune), holding a large broadsword.

"Oh, um ... sorry?"

"DIE!"

"Well, he has Kamen's timing about right?" said Saturn, trying to be helpful.

* * *

**Test Case #4: Sakura and Lee:**

"Do not worry, Sailor Moon!" cried Tuxedo Mask ... in a green tuxedo. "I shall protect you now and always with my flaming power of youth! Accept these gifts of my affection!" he yelled, before launching his wink-hearts at her.

"Not again!" cried Sailor Moon, as she began to toss and use youma as a shield against the attack/sign of affection, reducing them quickly to dust.

"I thought it was supposed to be Sailor Moon who used attacks shaped like hearts?" asked Neptune.

"THAT IS THE POWER OF ONE FILLED WITH FLAMING YOUTH!" cried Gai.

"AHHHH!" yelled Mercury, jumping into the air in fright, since Gai had said that right behind her.

"Oh, something's flaming, alright," muttered Uranus.

"Are those his real eyebrows?" wondered Saturn.

"Ah, Sailor Uranus, you too can feel Lee's flaming youth!"

Mars merely rubbed her forehead. "I just had to survive, didn't I?"

* * *

**Test Case #5: Neji and Tenten:**

"Now this I like," smiled Sailor Moon, as more kunai, daggers, and assorted blades seemed to shoot out of the Ginzuishou. "This is a hell of a lot easier than using scrolls!"

The amount of dead youma and damaged neighborhood could attest to her new joy.

"How..." muttered the Dark General. "How could we be beaten so easily?"

"Destiny," said Tuxedo Kamen, observing his rose. "Fate decided this fight before it even began. And a natural loser like you was never able to defeat a genius like us. Destiny will always be against you, and you cannot change your destiny."

"Oh my god," muttered Jupiter, "he's another Pluto."

"Finally, a love interest for her," smirked Uranus. "Time for him to boldly go where I doubt any man has gone before."

"Dead Scream!"

"YEOWTCH!"

* * *

**Test Case #6: Ibiki and Anko:**

"Okay," said Tuxedo Kamen, looking at his notes, while running his free hand through his hair, enjoying the fact that the test had restored his appearance to pre-tortured existence. "From our interrogations, we now have the names of the other Dark Generals, locations of bases in this realm and others, names of their leaders, favorite foods of said leaders, and points of entry for their bases. Anything else?"

"Damn," muttered Venus. "He's good."

"WHO SAID YOU COULD CHANGE THE SAILOR MOON OUTFIT?" yelled Mars to Sailor Moon, who was currently dressed in a black leather version of the fuku.

"You're just jealous of my Moon Whip," smirked Sailor Moon, cracking said whip.

"What can we do for you, oh Dark Mistress," said several broken youma.

"Can you teach me how to do that?" asked Neptune, earning an eep from Uranus.

* * *

**Test Case #7: Hanabi and Naruto:**

"Where's Sailor Moon?" asked Saturn, as Tuxedo Kamen proceeded to tear into the youma ranks with blue balls of swirling energy.

"Fūton: Rasenshuriken!" Tuxedo Kamen yelled, as the youma were suddenly encased in a swirling dome.

"Um ... she got sick," said Hinata, leaning against a closet door she had just come out of.

"You better go heal him," said Mercury. "He's arm just suffered severe cellular damage."

"Why? Isn't he healing himself?" asked Venus.

"Hey, I'm still in High School, give me a break!" yelled Mercury.

"Someone needs a boyfriend," muttered the Senshi of Love.

* * *

**Test Case #8: Ebisu and Tayuya:**

"What the (beep)!" yelled Sailor Moon, as Tuxedo Kamen collapsed in a pool of his own blood. "These (beep) youma only used that (beep) Naruto's (beep) perverted jutsu and this little (beep) (beep) (beep) is out like a (beep) virgin!"

""What's she saying?" asked Saturn, as she had three sets of hands over her ears.

"And what's up with all the (beep) (beep) youma on this (beep) (beep) plane of existence? Where the (beep) do you (beep) Senshi get these (beep) (beep) youma for this (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep) test?"

"Mercury, what's a (beep) (beep)?" asked Saturn, displaying how well she could read lips.

Got to love the Japanese Educational System.

"Get your (beep) (beep) up you worthless (beep) (beep) man! Can't you see I'm in (beep) (beep) trouble here, or are you so (beep) (beep) (beep) that your (beep) (beep) (beep) can't (beep) (beep), you (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep)!"

"There goes our fan-base," muttered Jupiter.

* * *

**Test Case #9: Jiraiya and—**

"Sorry," said Naruto, "but Ero-sennin saw that youma are mainly female, and said he had to go to their home dimension for research on his new book, 'Icha Icha Negaverse'."

The others could only stare.

"Why am I not shocked," said Mars.

"We need to drag his (beep) (beep) back here so he can (beep) take the (beep) (beep) test."

"SATURN!"

* * *

**Test Case #9b: Naruto and Tsunade:**

"Why am I paired with Granny?" asked Tuxedo Kamen, earning him a vicious punch from Sailor Moon, which drove him into the concrete.

"So she's an old hag?" asked one very slow youma.

Sailor Moon slowly, turned towards them, her aura resembling more of the fires of Hell than a pure warrior of Love and Justice.

"Oh (beep)," muttered a youma, as they began to quickly die.

"She altered her costume more than Misato," grumbled Venus.

"Stop taking pictures, Uranus," glared Neptune.

"But it has everything I love, sexy women and gory violence!" she cried.

As the Senshi argued amongst themselves, and Sailor Moon showed the youma why she was not to be insulted, Hinata appeared on the field, and dragged off the unconscious form of Tuxedo Kamen.

* * *

**Test Case #10: Sasuke and—**

"More bad news," muttered Kakashi, poofing into the test area. "Sasuke isn't coming."

"WHAT!" cried Ino, preparing to change into Sailor Moon. "Doesn't he know we need him?" she yelled. "I need saving, damn it!" she yelled, stomping the ground, and creating a rather large crack.

"He said doing this was silly, and not going to help him kill his brother."

"Man, that guy needs some therapy," muttered Jupiter.

"Well what about using Oro—"

"AHHHH!" cried a youma, as it ran.

"Give me your body," said Orochimaru, chasing after its immortal form.

Kabuto was seen chasing after him. "Orochimaru-sama, don't forget your medication!"

"Are you on crack?" yelled Ino.

"What about Kiba?" asked Mercury.

"He ran off after Akamaru after he started to chase the Moon Cats," said Venus.

"I thought it was kind of quiet," muttered Mars.

"Shino?" Mercury asked.

"Got picked up by National Security because of how he was dressed," said Jupiter. "They thought he was a terrorist."

"I warned him not to wear that stupid coat," muttered Ino.

"Kakashi?"

**POOF!**

"Just disappeared," said Saturn.

"Choji?"

"Currently trying to out-eat Usagi."

"Neji?"

"Pluto ran off with him," mumbled Venus, shaking her head. "Seeing her making out with a guy is ... creepy."

"We're running out of male leads," said Mercury.

"Well find me someone!" yelled Ino. "I'm a dainty Warrior of Love and Justice, and if you don't find me someone to take the test with..." she growled, crushing a stone in her hand.

* * *

**Test Case #10h: Naruto and Ino:**

"Konohagakure Hiden: Taijutsu no Ōgi: Sennen Goroshi!" cried Tuxedo Kamen, as he poked the Dark General in a very vulnerable area, and sent him flying in pain.

"HOW DARE YOU RUIN MY TEST WITH THAT PERVERTED TECHNIQUE?" yelled Sailor Moon, as she started to chase after Tuxedo Kamen, accidentally crushing the fallen Dark General in her pursuit.

"I give up!" yelled Mars. "No more tests!"

"Can I learn that technique?" asked Uranus.

* * *

"FAIL!" yelled Mars, as the ninjas assembled.

A tired looking Naruto raised his hand, despite the fact Hinata was hanging off of it. "But I never got a chance to show my Senshi no Jutsu."

"We do not want to see you in a fuku, Naruto," glared Sakura.

"Still worth it," smiled Ibiki, as he combed his luscious locks.

"Agreed," said Anko, looking over at her new minions.

"You're not supposed to take youma on as henchmen!" yelled Rei.

"You do things your way, I do things my way," said Anko. "You don't mind, do you?"

"No Mistress," said the youma.

"Just go home," cried Mars, as she broke down.

"Wait," said Kiba. "Aren't we missing someone?"

* * *

_I will get you for this, Sister._

Hanabi continued to try and work herself free of the ropes Hinata had tied her up with.


	5. Sensei From Hell

**Sensei from Hell**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

Thank D. Weird for giving me these ideas.

* * *

"Naruto-kun," sighed the silent Hyuuga heiress, as she once again stared at the apartment her eternal love interest had once lived in.

She still remembered the day he had left the village, going on a three year training journey with the Legendary Frog Hermit Jiraiya.

And in the end, before he left, when she had the perfect opportunity to wish him well ... she had chickened out, wishing him well from the shadows of an alley, much like she was doing now.

Currently on a rooftop across the street, she peered into the empty apartment, as she had done since he had left, and whenever a mission hadn't taken her away.

_I have to be stronger, I have to get stronger, just like ... Naruto-kun..._

She fell into the same blush she always fell into when thoughts of said blond-haired ninja reared their heads in her mind.

"You know, this was kind of fun to watch at first," said a familiar voice, "but now it is beyond sad, we're into Pathetic Country here."

Hinata squealed in surprise, shocked that someone had snuck up on her, before turning around quickly, spotting the speaker sitting on the roof next to her, eating some dango.

"So, are you always going to pine for the brat like this?" said Anko, finishing her last dango. "If so, then you better go find yourself someone else. He's too dense to see such a sad display."

"N-N-Naruto-kun isn't dense," Hinata stuttered in reply.

"But you aren't brave," smirked Anko. "Tell you what, kid. I'm feeling generous today."

She wasn't feeling generous, more like bored out of her skull. There hadn't been any exciting missions for her in months, and Tsunade was very close to putting her as a ... gulp ... teacher at the Academy. This was very bad, because teachers never went on missions. At this point, she'd settle for three of the little runts to train.

This meant that if she didn't start making herself some fun soon, she'd better be prepared to start being ... normal and average.

And if she was going for fun, Anko preferred a 'long term' investment, something that kept giving ... and giving ... and giving.

"So from today onward, I'll help you get stronger in the ways of a woman, so you can get your interest into that ramen-head's thick skull."

Hinata was about to get upset that the Special Jounin had once again insulted her forever-love, but the promise... "R-R-Really?" she asked, hopeful that this was not a trick.

Anko nodded. "Come with me, and let Mistress Anko teach you how to hunt the slow-witted male."

* * *

"You want to what?" asked Kurenai in shock.

"I want to borrow your student for a while in the future," said Anko, as she tossed back a shot of liquor. "I mean, the girl has no idea how to seduce a man, let alone get him to notice her. She needs some help, and you're obviously too hung up on Asuma to help."

"I-I-I don't know to what you are implying," stuttered the Genjutsu mistress.

"Please," snorted Anko. "If you two were any louder when you went at it, I'm sure the Kazekage would be telling you to keep it down, all the way from Suna," she smirked.

The kunoichi was back to blushing ... deeply. "We're not that loud," she muttered.

"Keep telling yourself that," smirked Anko. "Just be glad that the pervert Sannin isn't here. You really should start shutting the curtains..."

"Fine, take her," growled Kurenai, making a mental note to spray paint the windows in her apartment ... and get the place sound-proofed. "But if she comes back with a scratch..."

"I promise."

"And she better not be horribly mentally scared for life."

"Please, I would never dream of taking that job away from the Hyuuga Elders," Anko smirked, as she quickly left.

Kurenai sighed. Somehow, she just knew this was going to come back and bite her in the ass.

"Miss," said the bartender, handing her a bill.

"What's this?"

"Ms. Anko said you were paying her tab," he replied.

"That bitch," muttered Kurenai. "She'll pay for this..."

* * *

Anko smirked as she returned to the practice field where she had left Hinata passed out. "She's still out? Really, all I did was Henge into the brat and flirt with her. I've seen five year olds with more endurance."

The Jounin sighed. "Well, I got some time before the brat gets back. Looks like I'll need it. This is one seriously repressed woman. You'd think the kunoichi teachers would have done a better job than this."

Looking at Hinata, Anko began to shift her plans. "Maybe I need to start with smaller steps … and maybe some medication for anxiety as well."

* * *

Anko looked one with a bit of worry as Hinata fretted over the training dummy. It wasn't that expensive of a training dummy, just a patchwork pillow filled with straw and shaped as male. It was dressed in a familiar bright orange jumpsuit, a blond wig, and drawn-on blue eyes. She had even added a small piece of a branch to simulate the male equipment.

She had decided to go a bit slower after the failed first attempt to desensitize the girl first, working on other issues and hoping the working with things similar to the boy.

That had worked for a bit, so Anko decided to push it a bit.

"Don't worry Naruto-kun, we'll get it fix!" cried the frantic girl.

Anko sighed. It had been a simple technique of how to strip a target quickly. Afterwards, they would move up to more realistic fakes of the blond brat and hope that by making it more about ninjutsu rather than romance, the Hyuuga girl might even be able to stand being around the kid without fainting.

"MEDIC!" cried Hinata, as she cuddled the chopped piece of branch to her side, looking sadly at the nude training dummy, complete with freshly cut 'male equipment'.

"Maybe getting those mood medications to help wasn't a good idea," Anko mused.

"Don't worry, Naruto-kun!" cried the frantic girl once again. "You're still a man to me!"

Sighing, Anko began to wonder if the girl was out of it enough for the Special Jounin to simply knock her out until the meds left her system.

* * *

Anko hopped back, dropping the henge and wiping her mouth, glaring at the girl across from her.

Hinata just smirked at her, before she blinked her eyes. Slowly, the girl's face turned red from embarrassment, before she promptly passed out on the ground.

Standing up a bit straighter, Anko let out of breath of repressed tension. The girl was good, very good. But the results were not looking good at the moment for a long-term solution. Sure, the Hyuuga girl could now actively pursue Naruto—or anyone henged into Naruto—but it wasn't her. It was like a side-personality, a mentality some ninja acquired, allowing them to slip into a battle-mode of sorts.

In other words, Hinata would switch into a Naruto-mode and actively seek out and seduce the Naruto before her. That mode would only end once she was either satiated or Naruto was removed from her presence.

"Apparently she also remembers what she did," murmured Anko, wiping her mouth once again. "And that girl uses way too much tongue," the snake kunoichi said. "I'll have to get her some notes on that as well."

Not that Anko minded the yuri-kiss, but she preferred her partners to be of legal age, for either gender.

"Now I just got to merge her two mindsets," she mused, as she picked up her unconscious charge. The girl was scheduled for a mission today, and the last thing Anko needed was Kurenai upset with her … well, more so than usual.

* * *

"Hey, Ero-Sennin," said Naruto, looking around the camp fire, as they prepared for some new training technique.

"Stop calling me that!" yelled Jiraiya, quickly checking the area himself to see if the kid could have perhaps spotted something he missed. "Now what is it?" he asked, finding nothing.

"You ever get the feeling like Death is looking over your shoulder?" asked Naruto, as he shivered once more.

Jiraiya could only blink. "What did you do?"

"Hey!" screamed Naruto. "Why are you blaming me? You probably cheated someone and used me as payment!"

"What kind of idiot do you take me for?" yelled Jiraiya, bopping Naruto on his head before he could respond with a wise-ass comment.

"The guy who did that in the last village we visited," the Kyuubi container grumbled.

"I was drunk at the time," Jiraiya said.

"You tried to use me as a bargain for some hentai stuff!"

"That was vintage reading material!"

"Reading?" asked Naruto. "But it was mostly pictures."

* * *

_Many months later..._

As Naruto entered the village, Jiraiya by his side, neither of them noticed two women watching them from high above the street.

"He is finally here, my faithful student," said Anko.

"Yes, he is," said Hinata, her voice a little more sultry than most would assume to ever come from her.

"Are you ready in your mind?" Anko asked, wanting to ensure that the fusion of the personalities had succeeded. It wouldn't do for Hinata to slip into her seductress mindset every time Naruto was near.

"Of course, Sensei. This is the moment I have trained for."

"Then go, and may you succeed."

Hinata nodded, as she vanished from sight.

Smirking, Anko pulled out a small bag filled with dango. "Well, time to see what I have created," she smirked, imaging all the fun this would create. "Nothing like a gift that keeps on giving, especially when it gives to me."

* * *

"Okay," said Anko, looking at her upset student, "what happened?"

"Apparently," said Kurenai, glaring still at her friend, "there was a request for aid from Suna about the kidnapping of their Kazekage. He had to leave immediately."

"So he had to go help the other brat," said Anko. "I guess you can hold off a few days more. After all, you did say you loved the brat's heart."

"But Anko-sensei," said Hinata, sniffling a bit, "we've got missions for about the next two weeks. How can I properly seduce him?"

"What did you train her to do, Anko?" asked Kurenai with a glare.

Anko just waved her off as she focused on her student. She had been hoping for some fireworks earlier than this. But it appeared Fate was going to keep the blond-haired genin busy for a while longer. "What did I teach you to do?"

"But surely Naruto-kun will notice chains on his bed if he returns before I get the free time to have my way with him."

"WHAT?" yelled Kurenai. "Is this why Shino and Kiba can't look me in the eye?" she asked, glaring at Anko and her hand holding a kunai. "Do they know what you taught Hinata?"

ANko scratched her chin. "No, I think it's because you still can't keep a secret about you and Asuma," smirked the snake jounin. "Can't you two be quieter or at least shut the curtains?"

"Oh, can I borrow the peacock feathers, Sensei?" asked an excited Hinata. "I can practice my routine for when Naruto and I aren't called for a mission!"

Blinking, Anko snapped her fingers before her friend's face. "Damn, we broke her.

"Anyway," she said, dismissing her worry over Kurenai's frozen form and taking her student to her side, walking away, "let's talk about planning. Have you prepared to set things up so that the blond doesn't know what you have planned for him, contingencies in case someone else gets in the way? Will you surprise him with the new you before you jump him or when he's cornered?"

* * *

_Two weeks later…_

Naruto just smiled as he walked away. Aside from that very disturbing image of Sasuke and Sai together, Konohamaru was really making progress. It made the blond puff out his chest in pride that his student had gone so far.

Oh sure, he could do without that creepy guy-on-guy stuff. But that was just a mistake the young Sarutobi would have to learn from. If not, then Naruto would just have to hurt him for forever scaring his mind with that image.

"Welcome back, Naruto-kun."

Blinking, he spotted Hinata leaning against the wall, her new outfit drawing his attention in ways he just knew Ero-Sennin would approve of. "Hey Hinata!" he said with a smile, closing his eyes and trying to banish the naughty thoughts away.

Hinata just smiled. He didn't have any major missions to drag him away from her tender mercies now, no Kazekage to rescue or spy to capture. He was without missions and without a chance to be dragged away before she completed her plan. "Naruto-kun, can I give you your present now?" she said slightly nervous, not wanting him to know just in how much danger he truly was in. She just acted a lot less like she had no confidence and more like she was focused on her path.

He blinked at that. Before the spy mission, she had told him she had something to give to him. But when he got dragged away, he told her he'd have to grab it from her when he returned. "Sure! But I don't know why you got me anything."

"Oh, it's a welcome back gift," Hinata added as she took his arm and began leading him towards his apartment. Somehow, she doubted she could get what she wanted at her home. "But I can only give it to you at your place."

"What do you mean, Hinata?" asked the confused blond genin.

Hinata just put on an innocent smile, giving no notice to her less-than-innocent motives. "Trust me, Naruto-kun; you'll love this gift. But I don't want anyone else to see it. That's why I want to save it until we get back to your place."

"Oh, okay," he said, wondering why he felt like he was in danger. _Ah well, its not like Hinata'll hurt me._

* * *

Sakura knocked once more on the door of her teammate, wondering where the hell he was. It was already past noon, and she had expected him to be up and about by now, not sleeping in late.

Hearing an angry stomping sound quickly approach the door, Sakura steadied herself, a bit worried about what may have made her teammate not only sleep so late, but be angry to be having to open the door at the moment.

"WHAT?"

Sakura leaned back; shocked both at the sheer volume of the response, but also who was giving said response. It certainly wasn't Naruto; that much was certain. Even he wouldn't have pulled off such a henge.

That was unless Naruto could do a perfect henge of a topless Hinata Hyuuga only wearing a g-string who was now glaring at her.

"Um…" she started, trying to shake herself out of her stupor. "Is … Naruto … here?" she asked, trying not to focus on the shockingly angry and semi-nude Hyuuga.

"Sakura-chan, help!" came the cry from the bedroom. "Hinata's gone crazy!"

Hinata just sighed as her hand darted out, striking the shocked kunoichi in the needed points to drop her. "Oh well, I'll break her second."

As she shut the door, she was a bit thankful it had been a girl. She really didn't want to get so bloody before she finally completed the SSS-ranked mission Anko-sensei had helped design for her. Only Little Naruto was going to get near her, any others would be cut off on site.

* * *

Anko sniffed a bit as she wiped a tear from her eyes. "Students grow up so fast," she said, happiness flowing through her. She had been a bit worried when the pink-haired girl had shown up, but Hinata took it in stride.

Taking a deep breath, she turned to her side, making certain the cameras she had set up would get the full act going on now inside Naruto's bedroom. You never knew when you might need a gift for either your student or her father—Hiashi really pissed her off a few times, and nothing said 'payback' like watching a video of your daughter sleeping with the former village pariah and another girl.

_Let's see those Elder bastards take that!_

Saluting her apprentice once more, she leapt away. After all, she had to inform Kurenai of her success.

* * *

Jiraiya would have done something for his apprentice. He had been a bit worried when he had felt one of his seals trigger, letting him know that Naruto had entered a high-stress situation that might trigger the Kyuubi-chakra.

"Ah, I see," he said, fading back into sight as the apprentice of his former teammate took off with a smile. He was definitely pleasantly surprised to find this however, instead of the battle he had expected. _Bet Naruto never thought he'd be in this sort of battle._

Turning back to the scene of the young Hyuuga heiress not only showing once again that it wasn't just the eyes that might be considered the Hyuuga Bloodline Gift, but that she had been prepared for such an interruption, he took out a pen and pad. _Minato, you would be so proud of your son; losing his virginity in a threesome, just like you wanted._

And thus a new Icha-Icha series was born.

* * *

The moral of the story is: always close the damned curtains. You might not like who ends up watching if you don't.


	6. Perverted Patch

**Perverted Patch**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

Tsunade stared at the open saucer, the milky fluids inside clamoring for her to drink them, to imbibe the alcohol-filled goodness.

She couldn't, not now, maybe not ever. Jiraiya was…

"HEY GRANNY!"

Now she knew she was depressed: she didn't feel angry at Naruto calling her that still.

"Hey Granny Tsunade!" yelled Naruto, bursting into her office … and then slamming the door shut and falling against it, breathing heavily? Well, it definitely was odd enough to get her mind off her lost friend. "What is it, Naruto? I've got some bad news and I need to be alone for the moment."

"You need to get Ero-Sennin's ass back here now!" yelled Naruto, not noticing the hurt look on Tsunade's face at the mention of Jiraiya's nickname. "He needs to fix whatever the hell he did to my seal now!"

Her depression was instantly forgotten. "What do you mean?" she asked. "Has the chakra started leaking out again?" She began to mentally berate herself for not forcing Jiraiya to explain Naruto's seal to her. If it started to fail now…

"Nah, well … not like it did before," he said, his face turning red with embarrassment."

"Oh?"

He nodded. "I think he did something … pervy to the seal."

She sighed, fully believing him now. Somehow, she could see her former teammate not only tampering with the seal, but trying to 'enhance' his apprentice. "What is it?"

"Well, I think its making the Kyuubi chakra act … pervy."

"… Okay, explain this one to me slowly, and don't leave one thing out," she said, quickly slamming down the filled saucer. Somehow, she didn't feel like mourning Jiraiya anymore.

She wanted to have Kabuto raise him back up so she could kill him herself. What kind of idiot pulled such a stunt with the most dangerous Bijuu on the planet?

Naruto nodded, trying to fight off any embarrassment. She needed to know everything before that damned furball did something he would surely be made to pay for. "Well it started on my second mission back, to capture that Akatsuki spy that turned out to be Kabuto…"

* * *

The four-tailed Kyuubi roared in anger at the fact the Snake Fool had even attempted to impale him with that weak sword. After all it had done, the snake still would not die. Well then, he would just have to get … creative.

"Naruto, please stop!"

Blinking, Kyuubi turned slightly, spotting a pink-haired human running towards it. Growling, it prepared to swat her away, after all, it had a fight to finish.

But something caught his attention. Well to be accurate, it was two somethings … gently swaying in time to her run. She seemed to slow down considerably, as she raced towards him, two special items jostling from side to side, almost hypnotic in the way they moves.

To be honest, he didn't know what to make of these feelings. But the swaying seemed to expand to include the movement of her hips as she ran towards him as well. So for the moment, as she still seemed to be content to run towards him in slow motion, he decided to enjoy the show.

Sakura ignored Yamato's warnings as she ran towards Naruto, hoping that under that cloak of the Kyuubi's chakra, he could still hear her, still act like the Naruto she liked. She just had to get him to stop, before he lost himself to the demonic chakra.

Yamato just stood there, waiting. His mind was very confused at this point. Why hadn't the Kyuubi just batted her away? Jiraiya had told him that in this form, Naruto lost himself. Yet the Kyuubi seemed to be reacting to Sakura. His eyes were following her, and from what Yamato could tell, the chakra had shifted enough so that touching it would not harm her. _What is it doing? Why isn't it attacking her like it did Jiraiya?_

His answer came soon enough, as Sakura got within touching distance of Kyuubi, and the semi-Bijuu raised its paws and…

"PERVERT!" yelled Sakura, as one arm grabbed her chest and the other lashed out at her friend, driving him deep into the ground.

* * *

"Yamato-sensei said I groped Sakura-chan," said Naruto, face flushed.

Tsunade poured herself another saucer. "Yep, that should have been a warning sign," she said. "What was next?"

Naruto nodded. "Well, that happened after our mission to Demon Country to guard Shion."

Tsunade sighed at that, remembering the reports from Kakashi, Neji, and Lee as well as Sakura's own random rants. "I take it something happened either during the mission or the two days of 'needed spiritual meditation' she ordered because you both were in contact with the demon?" she asked.

Naruto just shrugged.

* * *

Pain seemed to sere through his body as he slowly woke up. He couldn't remember why his body hurt so much, let alone where he was, which only added to his suffering. Thinking in that condition hurt almost as much as moving did.

"Mmm."

Blinking, now fully awake, he slowly turned his head, spotting a very familiar mop of blond hair lying against his side, covered barely by a sheet and nothing else—if what he felt where she was cuddling into his side was right.

His heart nearly stopped as he looked upon her. Somehow, he wasn't certain how this happened, but he just knew it had to be Ero-Sennin's fault.

But how? He'd been really careful about trying to access the Kyuubi's chakra, especially since Sakura started muttering about tentacles and such. And he didn't even once glow red when fighting against the demon Mouryou or his ninjas.

"Morning my love," came the tired voice of Shion, as she stretched to kiss his shocked face. "Can we cuddle for a bit longer, I didn't expect our joy to last that long … or tire me out so."

"Um … okay," he said quietly, as she smiled and returned to his side.

Just what the hell did he do?

* * *

"O…kay," said Tsunade. Well, it certainly explained why the Priestess had been sending a request for Naruto to be placed on a rotating guard duty around her, and some inquiries she had been hearing about some high figure seeking a marriage candidate from Konoha. But that woman couldn't be that obsessed could she?

"But two days?"

Naruto just nodded embarrassingly. "Kakashi-sensei said that I might have used so much chakra against Mouryou and those Eternal Guards, my body must have started drawing the fox's chakra at a faster rate to compensate, and well…"

Tsunade just nodded. "And none of your teammates thought this was odd?"

"Well, the guards attributed the screams to Shion-sama removing the demonic taint, and the red glow from Kyuubi's chakra was getting weaker as far as Kakashi-sensei could tell, so he assumed she was also strengthening my seal."

At least the Council would buy the excuse just as his team had. "Fine," said Tsunade, releasing her breath. She just hoped nothing came back to bite them in the end.

Right?

* * *

Shion looked into the mirror, rubbing her stomach, and smiling. It was nice to have visions where someone didn't end up dead. The fact her newest addition would take nearly a full day to come into the world was beside the point. She had a connection to the man she loved, and knew that in his heart, she was always going to be special to him.

But now, she needed to inform the father that she was expecting. Even if they couldn't marry, she wanted to keep a relationship with him. Who knew, she certainly never planned to have just one child.

"Prepare a detail, I wish to visit Konoha!" she called out, knowing an attendant would hear her.

"Yes, Priestess," came the calm reply.

Nodding, Shion turned back to the mirror. She wondered if he had any names he would like to have their child named.

* * *

Shaking her head, and wishing she could get a lot drunker a lot faster, she turned back to the genin who was taking not only her attention away from yet another death in her life, but making her wish she had been the one to end said person's life. "Anything else?"

Naruto nodded. "Well there was one final event that really convinced me."

"And that would be?"

* * *

"I want to thank you guys for helping," said Naruto, trying to keep a smile. "We got really close to Sasuke this time."

"No problem Naruto," said Kiba, as Akamaru nodded.

"We were honored," said Shino, still mostly hidden behind his apparel. "How do I know this? I asked the others."

Naruto just blinked at that. "Shino … really … you need a new catch phrase. That one just doesn't sound right."

"I told you, man," said Kiba. "And why are you covered up so damned much?"

"… You wouldn't understand."

"Right," Naruto said, scratching the back of his head, wondering if dressing like that was part of the rules of Shino's clan.

"Hey, where's Hinata?" he asked. "I need to thank her too!"

Kiba scratched his head. "Come to think of it, she should have been here a while ago."

Even Shino reacted to that. "She is never this late." He paused in thought to use his catchphrase, but Kiba had started to immediately finger a kunai, which meant he would be a target if he did. Yes, he definitely needed to speak to his mother. His father's idea for a catchphrase had apparently turned out to be wrong.

"OH YES! YES! YES-YES-YES-YES!"

Blinking, the trio turned to face behind Naruto.

"Um … Naruto?" started Kiba, as Akamaru began to growl. "I think you're leaking chakra, man."

Even Shino's eyes visibly widened as he saw three streams of red chakra seem to flow from the base of Naruto's spine … and twist around the corner of the building they were standing before … straight to where that feminine scream of joy had come from.

"SHIT!" yelled Naruto, as he tried to knock the red chakra away, but the demonic energy wasn't becoming solid enough to bat it away, and thus he rushed around the corner, hoping the perverted chakra of the Kyuubi had not harmed someone.

It was worse … at least as far as Naruto was concerned. There on the ground was a topless Hyuuga heir, moaning in passion as the three 'tails' continued to tease her to higher levels of joy.

"This is so fucking hot," said the usually emotionless Shino, a slight drip of blood making its way out of his nose. "How do I know this?" He pointed to the frozen pair of Kiba and Akamaru. "Because those two have passed out from bloodloss, still standing, and have yet to fall down yet."

Naruto just stared: partially in shock that he was having this happen despite the fact he wasn't even drawing any chakra, partially because Shino was right … this was damn hot.

But Shino would agree it was more likely the kick to Naruto's groin from Hinata when he tried to 'help' her free of the red chakra that was the most likely reason the blond had yet to move another inch. He'd have helped … but he neither wanted kicked in the groin nor wanted to stop watching.

He may have bugs living inside of him, but he's not an idiot.

* * *

"The Kyuubi … had liberties with Hinata?" said Tsunade, shocked.

Naruto nodded, wincing slightly. "She still won't tell me why she kept fighting me getting her out of that chakra."

_Oh, I have a pretty good idea why,_ thought Tsunade.

"So now you know why I need to find Ero-Sennin and fix this!" yelled Naruto desperately, hoping the stupid fox would be smart enough **not** to grope the one person who could help him … or make his death painful, messy, and dispose of the body with no traces.

"Um … there is a slight problem with that Naruto," Tsunade said regretfully. "I'm afraid … Jiraiya didn't survive his last mission."

Naruto just stared at her, mouth agape, trying to isolate how he was feeling. Part of him felt devastated that his mentor was gone; much like how he had felt with the Third was killed. Even a small part of him was upset that his teacher had spent so much time goofing off, instead of training to become stronger, something that may have saved him from that death.

But a larger part… "Well, revive his perverted ass and get him to fix my damned seal!" A larger part wanted this fixed before word got out; if the villagers had barely been tolerating him before, the damned horny fox would put him right back to Square One.

That didn't include the obvious 'you fixed your small penis by making chakra ones' jokes Sai would make when he returned from his mission.

"No, I am not performing a banned kinjutsu to bring him back!" yelled Tsunade.

"But come on!" whined Naruto. "I gotta get this fixed!"

"Maybe the Priestess can fix it," offered Tsunade.

Naruto simply gawked. "You expect me to make a journey to Demon Country while leaking perverted Kyuubi chakra that will grope anything female?"

Tsunade hissed slightly. Yeah, that probably was not a safe bet. And besides, Akatsuki would surely pick such a time to attack him. _At least those old fossils got their wish; we can't send him out of the village now._

_Wait…_ "Okay, answer me this, why hasn't it attacked me yet?"

"Too old?" guessed Naruto.

**WHAM!**

"Try again," said Tsunade, as she returned her hand to her side.

Naruto slowly peeled the scroll from his gut. "You scare it?"

**SMASH!**

Naruto winced as he learned empty sake bottles did hurt. "How the hell would I know?"

Growling a bit, Tsunade began to stand up, preparing to verbally lash into him, until she noticed something.

Red chakra was leaking away from Naruto … and through the bottom of her door.

* * *

Naruto just growled as he sat in a room within the Hokage Tower … far enough away from any doors or windows so his 'tails' wouldn't sneak out. "It wasn't like a wanted them to attack Shizune like that," he mumbled, concentrating on healing areas where Tsunade had almost 'fixed' him to get the fox to release her assistant.

He had no idea why he was waiting here. Tsunade herself said no one was better with seals than Jiraiya. Even compared to him, Orochimaru had been a distant second. So exactly who was she supposed to get to help him?

"Well, well, Christmas came early for me this year."

Naruto immediately paled. Not her, not the crazy examiner lady!

"Now come on, brat," smirked the former apprentice of the Snake Sannin, "let Mistress Anko help you with your … roving eyes."

He swore, as was his nindo, he would find Jiraiya's spirit … and make him suffer for all eternity for what was about to happen, even if he had to track down Kabuto and make him perform that Forbidden Jutsu to bring him back, he would pay.


	7. New Intros

**New Intros**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

This group is based on a Groundhog's Day concept, if time was looping, and certain members were aware of this.

These are their insanities.

* * *

"My name's Naruto Uzumaki. I love ramen and making things explode, I hate people who rat me out because then I have to take the time to make them disappear and that takes time from my favorite things. My goal is to kill two Uchihas since its something Emo here will never accomplish."

* * *

"My name's Naruto Uzumaki. I like ramen, Hyuuga girls, and orgies at Kurenai-sensei's place as long as Gai-sensei or Lee aren't there. I hate fan girls, emos, and lazy people who don't do their job. My goals are to kill the other Bijuu and take their power for my own and to eat the bloodline parts of high-level ninjas to gain their powers," he finished, looking at Kakashi and licking his lips. "That's a three-tomoe Sharingan eye ... right?"

* * *

"My name is Sasuke Uchiha. There are tons of things I dislike but I don't really like anything. And I don't want to use the word "dream" but I have an ambition: the resurrection of my clan and to kill a certain man," spoke Sasuke.

"It better not be me," grumbled Naruto.

"... Okay, to kill two certain people," growled Sasuke.

"WHAT?" yelled Naruto.

"Okay, it's just to kill Naruto."

"... I'd like to request a transfer please." Naruto gulped a bit. Perhaps he'd been a bit too hard on Sasuke in the last loop.

* * *

"My name's Naruto Uzumaki. I like it when the voice in my head demanding the blood of the innocents and to rip off some seal is quiet. I hate it when Hinata kills someone and bathes in their blood before I get to. My dream is to turn into a giant fox and face off against some blond guy who looks a lot like me sitting on a giant smoking toad.

"Um ... Kakashi-sensei, why are you signaling for immediate ANBU backup?"

* * *

"Now you, pinky."

Huffing a bit, Sakura smiled. "My name is Sakura Haruno. I like..." she ended, giggling as she looked at Sasuke. "I hate..." she paused, glaring at Naruto.

"I told you," said the foxy blond, "that threesome with you and Ino was a one-time thing. Deal with it."

The rooftop got very quiet after that for a moment.

"WHAT!?"

Naruto was very glad to be stuck in a time loop. Judging by Kakashi and Sasuke's shocked faces and the glowing red aura surrounding Sakura that was burning the floor, he'd be glad tomorrow that what was about to happen would all be a very painful memory.

* * *

"My name is Naruto Uzumaki. I like ... things, I hate it when people blame me for ... things I couldn't possibly have done."

**BOOM!**

Naruto blinked. "Wow; that sounded like the whole Uchiha district being blown up with paper bombs and high grade explosives."

"And how would you know that?"

"Lucky guess," Naruto said with an innocent smile as he looked at his instructor.

"We're on the other side of the village, we are only now seeing the smoke," added Kakashi.

Sasuke blinked. The dead last ... just blew up his home, his territory, his legacy of his slain clan?

"If I did it, where's your proof?" asked Naruto.

Exploding Shadow Clones with paper bombs were wonderful things: nothing to tie you into it and allowing you a perfect alibi.

_Hmm, I wonder if Hinata wants me to help her blow up the Hyuuga compound._

**BOOM!**

He had to growl at that. The bitch ... she promised they would do it together!

* * *

"My name is Naruto Uzumaki. I like when Hinata does that thing with her tongue. I hate having some furry bitch in my gut who apparently was upset that the Fourth wasn't monogamous with her."

Kakashi blinked at that. Naruto was speaking to the Kyuubi? The Kyuubi was claiming to have been a love interest of Minato Namikaze? The battle was a lover's spat that almost wiped the village out of existence?

"My goal according to Hinata is to pop one hundred cherries. But she keeps insisting I'm missing the point," he said as he held up a cherry. "I mean, how many ways can you pop one?"

He paused for a bit, as if listening to a voice only he could hear, before his cheeks flushed. "Ecchi Yoko," he mumbled. "Hinata couldn't have meant that when she told me that was my new goal."

* * *

_Additional to the last one:_

"Hinata, I did it!" yelled Naruto. "I popped a cherry!"

Hinata looked up from her list of possible kunoichis for Naruto to 'work' with. "You did?" Could he finally have understood her hidden meaning? Did he finally agree that she wanted an open (hot young women with her and Naruto) relationship?

"You got it in my eye!" yelled Neji.

She turned slightly green. "Please let that have been a cherry pit or even some juice," she pleaded towards the Kami.

* * *

"My name means nothing, for I have foreseen the horrible and painful ways you will all die within four years. But since I have foreseen the events leading up to those deaths and I find you bastards deserved to get offed that way, I won't say anything more. But Sasuke man, I'll be selling videos of your death, funny shit."

* * *

"My name's Kyuubi. I like ramen and Hyuuga women, I dislike Uchihas and Hokages who think shoving a wooden tree up my ass is funny. My goal is to nail every vixen from here to the core of this worthless planet, slay every Sharingan user on this rock, and reseal the other Bijuu in some hotties ... except pinkie here, she looks like a closet freak that enjoys dominating a fellow."

Naruto's eyes dimmed a bit as he shook his head. "Man, that mushroom ramen really messes with you, dattebayo!"

* * *

"My name is Naruto Uzumaki. I like ramen, ramen girls, and Hinata ... especially after she has a few in her," he said with a slightly perverted smile. "I hate lazy teachers, violent obsessed fangirls, and piss poor kissers," he said, glaring at the rest of the team and his Sensei, causing Sakura's eyes to open wide in shock--more than likely at the fact he had called Sasuke a bad kisser. "My goal is a good one, but I really don't see the three of you living long enough to see me complete them, so why bother telling you; too troublesome."

* * *

"My name is Naruto Uzumaki. I like ramen and my adopted sister Lilith. She always cooks me great food and just wants kisses with tongue for payback, cause she said I have so much energy to give. I mean, she must know Kage Bushin cause one time, she had henged into two Hinatas after making dinner and wanted some kisses."

Kakashi just stared as his charge seemed to develop a far-off look. _It says a lot when the village pariah is having threesomes at the age of twelve with a succubus._

"Anyway," Naruto said after shaking away those happy thoughts and reminding himself to ask the great cooking succubus how she pulled that off--and what succubus meant, maybe it was some weird ninja level for girls, "I hate violent girls who hate when Lilith kisses me at lunch during school, anyone who makes Lilith upset," he growled, glaring at Sasuke, remembering when the fool had refused to accept Lilith's words that he was 'too weak to kiss'.

"My goal is to help Lilith by becoming Hokage and establishing a satellite village in the Makai realm ... though I can't seem to find that country on a map..."

* * *

"My name is Naruto Uzumaki, and you're already dead."

"What do you--" Kakashi started to say, before he collapsed to the floor. Blood seems to pool out from his ears.

Naruto just glared at his teammates. "Being late is not proper." He wondered how long it would be before the figured out it was just a henged shadow clone and the real Kakashi wouldn't show up for another hour. "And you said chalk dust wasn't a good idea," he said with a smile as he began to 'loot' the 'dead jounin'.

* * *

Naruto stood up and summoned several clones without the hand sign. "We are the Borg, you will be assimilated, your ramen techniques and flavors will be added to our own, resistance is futile."

Sakura paled. Not only was he annoying, he was a Trekkie. Dear God, she was being chased by a Trekkie! They never stopped! How could this be worse?

"Star Wars was so much better," snorted Sasuke.

It just got worse. _Noooooo! Sasuke-kun is supposed to like Harry Potter! Damn you, Ino-pig! I read those books and did all those fanfics for nothing!_

* * *

"Okay, let's start with blondie first," said Kakashi.

"Yo, I'm Naruto. I like helping my Big Brother from Big Brothers, Big Sisters slaughter entire clans and sell their eyes on NinBay, using genjutsu to either get tail or watch two girls make out thinking they are kissing the Emo here me and Big Brother missed almost five years ago."

"THAT WAS YOU!" yelled Sakura, as Sasuke growled at the fact Naruto had just admitted to helping slaughter his clan.

But the dead last couldn't have pulled that off ... right? And why did he call Itachi Big Brother?

"I dislike when my own fangirls think I enjoy being dominated, being the bitch, or kissing emo boys."

"Eep!" cried a pale-eyed Hyuuga as she ran off ... wearing a leather dominatrix outfit with ... assorted vibrating parts for his pleasure.

"My goal is mess with you all so much, you'll be glad when I finally take you out, and you'll never see it coming. Hell, the emo hasn't even realized he's wearing clothes and underwear that I sowed explosive tags into."

Sasuke's eyes went wide as Naruto began a countdown.

* * *

"Okay Blondie, you first," he said to the extremely nervous member of Team 7, prompting him to wonder just why the village prankster looked like Death had come for him.

"My name ... is Nar--" **FFHT!**

"Dart in your neck," said a newly arrived Hinata, putting her dart gun back in her satchel.

"Not again," murmured Naruto as he collapsed to the floor, the tranquilizers in the dart taking quick effect, the extracted dart falling to the ground.

Hinata just smiled as she picked him up. "Naughty, naughty, Naruto-kun; you know I don't like waiting for my nookie." With a smile towards the others, she turned towards Sakura. "Now stay away from my man, you skank, or I'll 64-trigram your ass!" With that, the formerly timid girl leapt away from the rooftop, the unconscious blond in her arms.

The others could only blink in shock, not really believing what had just occurred. Even Kakashi was confused, seeing as how his senses had told that that had been the real Hinata as well. "Um ... anyway..."

"Damn it!" cried a newly arriving blond girl. "Where is he, Forehead-girl?" yelled Ino, as she grabbed Sakura and began to shake her.

"Sasuke-kun's right here, Ino-pig!" yelled Sakura, slapping the arms holding her. But to her shock, Ino didn't drop her, nor did she even seem to notice. How the hell had Ino become immune to her strength?

"I don't care about his lame ass!" yelled Ino, bringing the pink-haired kunoichi closer to her face. "You can have Mr. Erectile Dysfunction; where ... is ... Naruto?"

Sasuke just glared at her. He did not have a problem with ... that! He just tended to need to avenge the clan before he worried about stuff like that.

Kakashi could only stare at the group, wondering if some powerful genjutsu was affecting the girls. "Hinata took him."

Ino's eyes opened wide, as she dropped her friend to the harsh rooftop. "That slut!" she yelled. "Which way?" she growled, turning to Kakashi and delivering a glare that promised a painful end if he did not reply within the next second.

Pointing in the right direction, the silver-haired jounin could only feel relief when she took off. Shouldn't she have been with Asuma getting her own test? Shouldn't Hinata have been with Kurenai? Man, he wasn't looking forward to explaining this to the Hokage. "Um ... meet me here tomorrow at eight in the morning, dismissed," he said before he disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving behind an angry boy with a desire to prove he was not unable to achieve an erection and a pink-haired kunoichi who wondered why Ino would be acting like that.

* * *

Naruto looked around the classroom, certain that the team were the only ones left. "Told ya we looped. But oh no, the blond Kyuubi container's just being crazy. Well welcome back to being twelve you assholes!"

"Stow it, Dobe," grumbled Sasuke. "You said yourself you got me back for putting that Chidori through your chest, let it go."

Naruto just snorted.

"So what now?" asked the nervous Sakura. "I mean, do we tell--"

"Been there, done that, and sold the t-shirt I got," said Naruto.

"But I didn't even get to say it!" yelled Sakura.

"Whatever it was, I've already done." Naruto slowly leveled a glare at her. "You guys are new, so I'll make it simple: I've tried everything to get out of this loop. But Teme's brother and his friends set this all up with that damned statue. There is no damn escape!"

"So what do you suggest we do?" glared Sakura.

Naruto stood up. "Well, I'm not waiting for Kakashi, let him be on time for once and I'll show up. I swear, not one loop has that man ever been on time."

"Maybe we could--"

"Finish that sentence and I'll Rasengan you in the gut," muttered Naruto.

"Where are you off too?" asked Sasuke.

"I'm thinking gambling, liquor, and loose women. Want a jump start on restarting your clan, Teme?"

"... Are we talking good looking women or are we talking Sound women?"

"Hot ones, like Tsunade in her prime."

"... Let me hit the bank first."

"But we have to..." started Sakura, before the duo leveled a glare at her. "Fine, but I want to see a show!"

Three hours later, the infamous jounin entered the classroom, only to find a note.

"What the hell is the 5-minute rule?" he asked, as he looked around for his team.

* * *

As Iruka closed the door, the males of Team 7 turned and faced their female partner.

"What?" she asked.

"I'm cutting you off for this loop," said Naruto.

"Same here," growled Sasuke. "Truthfully, we should kill you right now for what you pulled off at the end of the last loop."

"Soooooo worth it!" squealed the pink-haired kunoichi.

"Fucking yaoi-obsessed nymphomaniac," grumbled Naruto.

"Oh come on, what's a little replacement jutsu between friends?" she asked with a smile.

The two boys shivered at that.

"We are no longer having threesomes with you," growled Naruto, trying to force away the image of what had happened in the last loop away.

"With an extra guy or an extra girl?"

"Both," said Sasuke. "I don't trust you not to be pulling a Haku with whoever you bring. You're cut off."

"You can't do that!" yelled Sakura, seeing they were serious. "I just wanted to try it! What's wrong with that?"

"That area of me is exit-only," growled Sasuke.

"You'll be back," she huffed. "How can you resist this?" she asked with a lusty voice as she proceeded to pose.

"You realize you're twelve now, and not an elder teen with medically enhanced breasts," said Naruto. "I'm sure we'll manage."

"You guys suck," he grumbled as she sat back down.

"Well aside from the incident that shall be not named," said Naruto, as he and Sasuke both shivered in disgust, "what are the plans for this loop?"

"Sex of course!" cheered Sakura.

"… Seriously, you need help," said Sasuke. "I studied under Orochimaru, found out why my clan was massacred, and even I'm not half as fucked up as you are."

"Stow it, Erectile Issue."

"You found it worked well enough for how many years now?" asked the smirking Uchiha.

"Sex later, planning now," interrupted Naruto. "I'd like a plan when the Loli side tries to take me again," he said with another shiver.

"You just can't win with Hyuuga females, can you?" chuckled Sasuke.

"Fuck off!"

Sakura just giggled. "Oh yes, how many were in that last attempt to kidnap you?"

"Go to hell!" yelled Naruto. "You have any idea how many people tried to kill me for that shit? I was better loved when they thought I was the Kyuubi given form!"

The two continued to laugh at his expense for a few minutes, before they finally caught their breaths. "Okay," said the smiling Sasuke, "Standard Reboot Plan 5 then?"

"Sounds good," said Sakura. "Kakashi-meet-n-greet 2?"

"Nah," said Naruto as he formed a familiar hand seal, "I got a new plan for that."

* * *

_Continued from above…_

Kakashi slowly trudged up the stairs to the roof of the Academy, trying to decide how to pay back his team for their prank.

He had entered the classroom a bit late, only to have something fall on top of his head. It turned out to be Anko's panties, and a 'little' child had led the Special Jounin to him at that moment, claiming that Kakashi was the man he saw steal them while she had been bathing.

Anko was not pleased and had knocked him out with a single punch to the jaw.

When he came to—and was particularly thankful not to have woken up with a snake-bite to his favorite appendage—he looked over his team with a bit of Killing Intent. They had all snorted, and informed him they were Kage Bushins meant to ensure he didn't die after he was knocked out, that the real ones were on the roof, before they vanished in a familiar puff of smoke.

Aside from Uzumaki, how did the others even know Kage Bushin, let alone have the reserves to pull it off.

His confusion became even larger when he began to hear their conversations on the roof.

"Sakura, I am not going to Shion just to start a pleasure house in Demon Country."

"Come on!" pleaded the girl. "You have to admit it would be perfect!"

Sasuke just snorted. "When has he ever founded a pleasure house like you requested?"

"Oh you wouldn't remember; you were dead at the time because you got upset that he was sleeping with your half sisters in the Hidden Smoke."

"… Oh yeah, I owe you a painful death for that," growled Sasuke, as lightning began to course over his hand.

"Hey, they made their own decisions," snorted Naruto. "Besides, I think I make a much better Clan Head than you."

"Loli-bait!"

"Snake-fondler!"

"Excuse me," coughed Kakashi, as he got their attention. "Can we begin?"

The three shrugged and leaned back against the bench, waiting for him to begin.

"Alright then," said Kakashi. "Let's start with introducing yourselves."

"You're Kakashi," said Sakura. "You like porn, ninja dogs, porn, when Gai-Sensei runs away after your defeats of him to train, porn, and staring at the Shinobi Memorial. You dislike teaching, getting the shit kicked out of you by Anko-Sensei, and not catching a glimpse of a nipple from the outfits worn by Tsunade-sama. Your goal is to star in an Icha-Icha movie, hopeful opposite Princess Koyuki from the land of Snow."

The jounin's one revealed eye opened wide at her words. "How did you…?"

Sakura just smirked. "It's amazing what a little second base action can get you from the records offices."

"I am so getting tested," snorted Naruto.

"Hey, I don't sleep with anyone who doesn't pass a medical scan," she said, staring at him. "And I don't want to hear that crap from you, Mr. "It wasn't me; it was my Shadow Clone who slept with her"!"

"She's got a point," said Sasuke.

"Thank you, Sasuke-kun."

"Don't thank me, I'm getting tested too."

"HEY!"

"My name's Naruto Uzumaki," the blond started, ignoring the anger levels of his pink-haired teammate or the confused glaze of their team leader. "I like ramen, of-age girls, seducing enemy kunoichi, seducing friendly kunoichi—"

"Gaara is so going to crush you for doing that with his sister and his only fangirl," smirked Sasuke.

Naruto waved it off. "He doesn't know, and they neither complained nor will admit to it.

"Anyway, that's enough of my likes."

"You like anything female, just admit it," glared Sakura. "I bet you even tried to nail Tsunade."

"..."

"… No … fucking … way!" glared Sakura.

"Ah, the joys of alcohol," said the smiling Uchiha, as he began to chuckle. "I don't care; you are so telling me that story."

"I like the opposite sex in all ways, shapes, and forms," said the smirking Uzumaki. "Anyway, my dislikes: yaoi-obsessed girls who try to trick me into doing a guy," he said, glaring at the innocently-whistling kunoichi, "and lolis that won't take hell-fucking-no as an answer. My goals are … actually I'm pretty happy with things the way they are now."

"My name is Sakura Haruno. I like sex, boys, sex, boys having sex—"

"Yaoi bitch," grumbled Sasuke and Naruto.

"I also like ripping apart jackasses who think I can't hear them or who deny me my desires of sex," she said, growling at the two. But the effect was somewhat ruined by each boys making the official "whoop-de-doo" gesture.

"I like just enjoying myself." She glared back at the boys, daring them to comment on her last line, before she continued. "I dislike being told no, guys and girls who think they deserve a shot at this perfection," she purred.

"You're twelve and flat now," said Sasuke, ruining her mood once more.

"I'll rip them off and make you a girl permanently," she said. "I know enough medical jutsu to even give you the full package, Sasuko. Remember?"

The youngest Uchiha male paled a bit. "Oh shit," he murmured, remembering that timeline all too well.

A devilish smile on her face, Sakura continued. "My goal is to attain my fondest wish," she said wistfully, as she began to drool slightly, making both boys scoot further away from her.

"I'm Sasuke Uchiha. I like blood, sex, and violence. I enjoy jutsu, women, and non-yaoi pairings. I dislike yaoi, fangirls, and Snake summoners who want me to dress up like a pirate. My goal is to rebuild my clan and kill five certain … make that two certain people," he said.

"Clones finished?" asked Naruto. He didn't really mind after all, those two old nuts on the council had been the main reason his life had sucked so much before the loops, and Danzo … well he was the type of guy you wanted killed, especially when Sai admitted the penis jokes he always made where learned from said man.

"Yep," smiled Sasuke. "I still have one Uchiha left and you for sleeping with my half-sisters."

"Half-sisters?" asked Kakashi, his mind slowly drawing things back into focus.

Naruto nodded. "About his age, his Old Man had a mission in the area and apparently cheated on Sasuke's mom, giving rise to two twin hotties in that village. They said I was a much better person to restart the Uchiha than emo here," he said chuckling.

"So I must kill the both of you now," murmured Sasuke, nodding his head and allowing his Mangekyō Sharingan to fully erupt.

"Oh stop it," sighed Sakura. "We all know you'll just get payback again by sleeping with Hinata behind his back."

"… What?" asked Naruto, red chakra beginning to envelop his body.

"Didn't know that, did you?" asked Sakura with a smile. "He henged into you and took her for a ride."

"You slept with my Hinata?"

"You boned my sisters, payback's a bitch!" growled Sasuke, as lightning chakra began to flow over his body.

Sakura squealed as she leapt to the other side of the roof. "Fight! Come on, tear off those clothes! Let's do this Greco-Roman style! Where's my oil?"

Kakashi slowly backed away down the stairs. He didn't know what was going on, but he obviously needed to head to the hospital, he most assuredly had some mental trauma if he was imagining this shit.

* * *

The students all assembled, waiting for their teams to be called out, joy on their faces as it meant to them that for the moment, they were truly ninjas.

"Okay then," said Iruka, "Team--" he paused and tilted slightly, as did the rest of the class, before his eyes shot up. "Okay, who fucked up this time?" he asked.

"It was Kiba," said Shino. "How do I know this? I saw his hairy ass having sex with a Cloud Kunoichi before we shifted once more."

"What?" asked the dog-style nin. "I'm a dog-style ninja, she's a container of a cat Bijuu, shit happens."

"I'll give you shit, you son of a bitch!" yelled Hinata as she launched herself at the boy who was supposed to be her teammate.

Iruka sighed, ignoring Kiba's cries as Hinata showed him what chakra points around his groin could be closed painfully. Looking up, he spotted Naruto with his hand up. "Yes, Naruto?"

"Since Kiba fucked up, does this mean I can do his sister again?"

"WHAT?" yelled Kiba, trying to fight back against Hinata.

"She's a dog-style ninja, I have a giant horny fox Bijuu in my gut, I want some shit to happen."

"Sure, go ahead," Iruka muttered. "I'm going to go get a drink. You already know your senseis, they know you unless they got killed during the last loop," he said. Strangely, only a few people ever remembered the previous loops if they got killed before the end of the last one, never a teacher though. "I'm leaving."

"You stay away from my sister, Naruto!" bellowed Kiba.

"You stay away from Naruto, you sick bastard!" yelled Hinata. "Now stand still so I can neuter you!"

* * *

Iruka opened his list. "Okay, Team 1 is Naruto Uzumaki ... and any fine kunoichi he wants to tap?"

Naruto smiled. "Wow, great team! Kami-sama finally paid me back! Whose our Sensei?"

Iruka blinked. How the hell could this happen? It was on an official scroll, sealed correctly. There was no way a genin, even one with Naruto's talents could have hacked it. "Um ... Anko," he said in shock. The Council was finally giving Anko a team?

Several girls blushed, yelled, or passed out in joy--Kiba kept Hinata from falling backwards and hitting her head, at hearing the news.

"Team 2 is ... every guy remaining, going to ... Ibiki?" he asked, shocked once again.

Naruto just smiled. After all, one of the rules of having a harem were to get rid of the competition. Personally, he wondered which Council member would be the first to have an aneurysm first.

* * *

Temari looked over her only living brother now. "Why did you just kill Kankuro? We've barely started this loop!"

Gaara looked over at his sister, ignoring the pale form of Baki, their jounin Sensei. "It isn't like the loop won't restart tomorrow. Besides, he was doing things to his puppets, things both Mother and Shukaku saw with me, that demanded punishment."

"Do I want to know?" she asked.

"No," said Gaara simply as he stood up. "Excuse me, I have a fangirl collection to develop. I refuse to allow Naruto to surpass my count."

"But you became Kazekage before he became Hokage!" said Temari, not even caring that her apparently disturbed and perverted brother was splatter all over the floor before her.

"Temari, it is a guy thing. Drop this subject, much like I dropped why you need a hand mirror to shave."

Blushing, she dropped the subject. "Well, I don't have to shave now, since killing our brother sets up a reset."

Gaara nodded. "Now tell me, which kunoichi might be curious to see what a tanuki Bijuu grants me?"


	8. New Intros 2

**New Intros 2**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

This group is based on a Groundhog's Day concept, if time was looping, and certain members were aware of this.

These are their insanities.

* * *

**Loop #1:**

Naruto sighed as he looked around. He just knew it was going to be one of those really fucked up loops. There was likely some formula to calculate which loops would have nothing to do with his old life. But he liked the surprise.

"Uchiha, Sasuke."

"SLYTHERIN!" yelled out the hat before it was even placed on the Uchiha's head.

"NOOO!" cried Sakura and Ino. "Sasuke-kun can't be evil!"

"Still better than the loop where we were all smurfs," muttered Naruto.

* * *

**Loop #2:**

Naruto blinked as the world started to come back into focus, his mind adjusting to the fact that it appeared he was in another FUBAR loop.

FUBAR loops were the odd ones for him as well as those with him in the loops. They seemed to have nothing to do with Konoha, barely had anything to do with anything he knew at times. On the bright side, he found out he wasn't the only person and/or group stuck in a time loop, the length of said loop was never concrete, but at least it added variety. He wasn't certain why this happened. But he did know what caused them.

Someone else stuck in a loop like him tried something really, really, fucked up to get out of their loop.

"Fuck," he hissed, leaning back into his chair.

"You have no idea."

Blinking, he looked over, spotting a familiar figure across from him, sitting as well, but much younger than the last time they had met. "Saotome?"

The pigtailed boy nodded. "Welcome once again to the Hogwarts fused loop," the boy spat out.

"Again?" asked Naruto in surprise. "Okay, I know it wasn't on my end."

"Mine either," said Ranma.

"Excuse me," said a voice entering the cabin, "can I… Shit," said the figure, as he began rubbing his forehead. "Who fucked up?"

"None of us, Harry," said Naruto as he stood up, forming a hand seal. "Might want to move though, I want to see how many got into this loop with us."

Harry nodded and stepped to the side, waving his wand to silently expand the compartment. The last thing he wanted was to be slammed into the wall because Naruto once again underestimated how many clones he planned to make. "Just make sure one looks for Anko or First Year Anko. I'd rather have a head's up."

The trio shivered at that. Anko by herself was … unsettling. Anko being the same age as them was down right traumatizing.

Add in Nabiki and a few other Slytherins, you had a recipe for a very emotionally scarring seven years, assuming you didn't kill yourself first.

Naruto nodded, summoning a dozen clones, and sending them out to explore the train.

As Harry shut the door, he left the compartment expanded, understanding that after meeting a clone, more than a few people would be heading back to find them, not including those not in the loop, those who remained clueless as to the shifts of reality.

"So what now?" asked Ranma. "True, seven years is a lot better than the usual one I'm stuck in. But still we don't even know what accident shifted us here … again."

There answer came as the door shot open, revealing four children, new ones no member had seen before.

"Shit," muttered Harry.

"Damn newbies," sighed Naruto.

Ranma however let his eyes open wide. "Of all the fucked up realities," he muttered.

"You know them?" asked Harry.

"What the hell are you idiots chatting about?" asked the redheaded girl in the group.

"May I present Asuka, Rei, Shinji, and Kaoru," sighed Ranma, waving at the four. "Then come from a series called Neon Genesis Evangelion."

The four looked at him with wide eyes.

"So then," said Harry, "what did you four newbies do to try and escape your loop that led to this fucked up scenario?" he asked, falling into his seat.

"Oh it was quite genius," said Kaoru. "Based on the religious tone of Adam, Eve, and Lilith, they tried to use the three Evangelions to combine and force the time loop to end."

He paused and scratched the back of his head. "I must say it failed rather well. I rather not experience a full planetary cascading explosion like that again."

Naruto just stared at them. "You blew up a damned planet."

"Hey, it would have worked!" declared Asuka.

"Everyone always says that," said Ranma. "Though blowing up a planet is a whole new level of FUBAR. Congrats, you guys have outdone anything we've done."

"Obviously it didn't work," said Harry dryly. "Take a seat, and welcome to the Everlasting Loop of Hell."

"You … you mean we aren't alone in this?" asked Shinji.

Ranma shrugged. "Not really, seems every reality has one stuck in this loop."

"Then how do we get out?" asked Asuka. "I want a Sweet Sixteen damn it!"

"Oh you'll have one," said Harry with a smile … a devilish smile. It was always fun to watch newbies go through Hogwarts loops.

"Very well," said Rei. "Now excuse me, but I wish to become one with Shinji once more."

The others just stared as she tried to drag said boy away. "She does know we're eleven now, right?" asked Naruto.

* * *

**Loop #3:**

"Are you okay, Sasuke?"

Sasuke blinked a bit, the world coming back into focus, as he looked around. He was at the table, eating breakfast with … his mother Mikoto, father Fugaku, and older brother Itachi.

"Just thinking of a dream I had," said Sasuke, wondering exactly what had happened to send them this far back. He didn't think this was before the infamous Leaf/Cloud treaty, but he didn't really find himself caring that he could perhaps save his clan and not save Neji's father.

You tend to hold grudges against voyeur-nin.

"Oh?" said Mikoto. "Anything interesting?"

"I dreamed some idiot named Madara set up the Uchiha clan to try and betray the Leaf."

His father started sputtering; nearly choking on the fish he had been eating. "W-what?" he asked.

"Oh yes," said Sasuke, taking a bite of his meal, enjoying this. After all, his father was about 50/50 on the thought of being saved. And his father had been the impromptu leader of the possible rebellion, at least if Tobi had been a good boy and told the truth. "Yeah, he even planted the info so people would think the Uchiha were responsible for the Kyuubi, since I think he said he controlled it. Weird stuff and that was even before it finished."

"How did it end?" asked Fugaku, trying to hide his nervousness and the fact he was four shades paler than before the meal had started.

"Since I didn't want the Leaf destroyed because idiots listened to some nutball hiding behind a mask with only one eyehole, I had to kill everyone," he said, activating his Mangekyou Sharingan. "Anyone who fell for Madara's schemes wasn't a very good Uchiha."

"Oh my!" said the shocked Mikoto, even as now Itachi was the one choking on his fish, seeing his brother's eyes.

"Thank you for the meal, mother," said Sasuke, smiling as he stood up. "I got to go meet some friends, I'll be back later. Maybe I can even practice with Big Brother and Father today," he said with a serene smile.

"Be good," said Mikoto in a near whisper, watching her son leave, as was the other males.

"Of course I will," said Sasuke with a smile. "Sasuke is a good Uchiha!"

* * *

Sakura steadied herself against a nearby wall as the world slowly came back in focus. "Why didn't I wake up at home?" she murmured, as she looked around and then finally at herself.

"Someone will pay for this," see said dangerously, as she noticed her much younger body. During the loops, she had come to expect certain … activities to alleviate boredom, pass the time, and basically give people a reason to call the police and report that some woman was either having the time of her life or being killed. The main reason for that being that at least either Naruto or Sasuke could always look beyond the fact they were older than they looked.

She highly doubted that being seven was still allowed. She doubted they even could.

_Urge to kill … rising…_

"Hey, Sakura!"

Turning around, she spotted her friend Ino running up to her. "Hey Ino!" she said with a smile, trying to find some other thing to focus on other than the fact sex was out for the next five years or more. Asking when they dropped wasn't a conversation she had ever had with her teammates before.

Ino slowed down a bit. Sakura wasn't calling her Ino-pig? Maybe she wasn't interested in Sasuke anymore. "Are you okay?" she asked.

Sakura just nodded and smiled. _Hmm, I wonder if it would be wrong to introduce the girls to the wonders of yaoi this early._

* * *

Sarutobi sighed as he looked at the boy before him, not a care in the world, and the Clan Elders and Council who wanted his head. "Naruto, do you know why you are here?" he asked.

Naruto looked around. "I swear the kid's not mine. She's lying!"

"Not that Naruto," said the Hokage, smiling a bit. Trust Naruto to liven things up, even at such a serious moment.

"Is it because I beat up those shopkeepers who were trying to cheat me?" he asked, looking completely innocent.

"That is part of it," he said, though Sarutobi wasn't going to punish him for that. Those shopkeepers needed to be scared like that if they were going to take advantage of a child like that.

"Is it because I kicked all of these guys' asses without breaking a sweat and they don't want to pay up what they owe?"

"That is the other half, I suppose," said the Hokage, trying to ignore the killing intent the other men were letting off. "May I ask how you defeated them? They weren't very clear on that."

"There is no need for that," quickly said Homura, one of the Village Elders.

"Cause I used Kage Bushin combined with my own creation: Sexy Jutsu, to defeat a perverted enemy." He leaned forward a bit. "Did you know that so many old people are perverts?" he said in a stage whisper.

"I had an idea," Sarutobi said with a smile, noticing many of them not just from the Council meetings, but from the stores where they sold the latest Icha Icha series. "May I ask how you got those abilities, Naruto."

The kid smiled and nodded. "Sure, it was real easy. I just talked to my parents in my dreams."

Sarutobi froze at that.

"This blond guy who looks like the Fourth started off saying I needed a harem, then this redhead woman started kicking the crap out of him, saying he was a pervert like his teacher Jiraiya. Don't know who that is, but they then said they were my parents and said they were always watching over me. Oh! And they said never to let out the big fluffy bunny my Old Man locked up in my belly button, because he's on a time-out.

"Jiji, what's a time out?"

The others could only stare.

"Are you saying your father was the Fourth Hokage?" asked Hiashi, trying to remain calm.

"Nah, he said his name was Minato Namikaze," said Naruto, waving it off. "Man, kinda wish it was the Fourth though. That'd be cool!"

Several of the clan heads paled at that, having known the real name of the Fourth, and even now, noticing some very strong similarities between the demon container before them and the famous Hokage. Their minds immediately figuring out that if any child would have been used for the sealing, Minato would have used his own son.

And if word ever got out that the son of the most powerful Hokage to date had been treated as a village pariah… Either the Fire Lord would get them or an outside village would by trying to take the boy for both his heritage and what lay inside him.

Naruto just kept smiling. "Hey Jiji, can I have a pet fox. That fluffy bunny in my gut is a real asshole, all he does is cuss and moan and beg to be let out so we can play. But I don't think he plays nice."

* * *

"You actually did that?" asked Sasuke, as he and Naruto ate ramen at the Ichiraku Ramen Bar. The two appeared to be talking about classes to anyone outside the minor genjutsu they were using, hidden well so even those following or observing them point-blank couldn't see it.

Naruto nodded with a smile. "I got eight ANBU and twelve A-class ninjas from varying clans following me around. I'm half tempted to use the Fox Cloak and go scare the shit out of the Elders. Wanna come?"

"Nah," waved off Sasuke. "Save that for later when we can get Danzo as well. Besides, I want to fuck with my clan a bit longer. I doubt the revolt will happen now, my father's probably chatting with the Council right now, floating what I said."

Naruto nodded. "Just remember to let Sakura know when your brother activates his Mangekyou so Sakura can switch your eyes."

Sasuke nodded. "Man, I do hope when the next reset happens, we either end up back here or the usual time, with all this as the new past," he said.

Naruto nodded. "Yeah, this is good. The only downside is no bedroom fun times until we become genin."

Sasuke shrugged. "Hey, a few years off is a good thing. I mean, sure you have Kage Bushin to help you, but I can't form a hundred clones to help in the bedroom. Now I have a chance to ramp up my chakra levels."

"Fine," said Naruto. "You can be Mr. Celibate all you want. I just need to get Hinata used to being … toned down," he said with a shiver.

Sasuke just snorted. "Whatever; you find the one girl who loves you, worships you, and wants you to sleep with other girls with or without her, and you're bitching."

"You know, I could always set you up with Hanabi."

"Lolis are your thing, not mine," quickly said Sasuke.

"Oh? Is the Uchiha Avenger afraid of a little Hyuuga?"

"After how you looked after you got done with Hinata for a night, hell yeah! I'd rather have to help Orochimaru find his rubber ducky in a bubble bath than risk a female Hyuuga wanting me!"

"Pussy," smirked Naruto, before he blinked. "Oh no…"

"What?" asked Sasuke, quickly looking around. Had a Hyuuga found him? Was Hinata making it through the loops now?

"When was the last time you saw Sakura?" Naruto asked in a near haunted voice.

Sasuke blinked. "Well, I haven't seen her since…" He paled.

Naruto nodded. "She's been on the loose since we got back, no one watching her, no one to stop her."

"Dear Kami in heaven," whispered the paler Uchiha. "The fangirls, she might have met up with my old fangirls. She could be corrupting them even now…"

"And we're seven, sex is not an option for five years or more," said Naruto. "She doesn't have her favorite option to pass time; she's only got her second favorite. Maybe we can get her to just write the shit without pulling us into 'modeling' for her muse."

"What the hell are you worried about?" glared Sasuke. "My fangirls are being turned into yaoi-obsessed psychos! How could this be worse?"

* * *

Anko looked on from the rooftop as the pink-haired girl exited the 'special' shop with several books and turned a corner before dropping her henge, revealing a seven-year-old to the other group of kids surrounding her. "The responsible thing to do would be to find out how that kid can do a flawless henge and take those books from her.

"However," she said with a smile, "the fun thing to do would be to see how this all turns out." And they said nothing fun ever happened in the village lately.

* * *

**Loop #4:**

Kakashi blinked as he entered the classroom. Instead of the three twelve year old children he expected, he found three children and a member of the recently arrived delegation from Demon Country. "My first impression of you all is … confusion," he said, his eyes ending on the heavily sleeping and hickie-covered blond. "Meet me on the roof in five minutes," he said, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Somehow, he was seriously beginning to doubt a bit of the information he had been given on the demon container.

* * *

Kakashi sighed as the quartet arrived; the Demon Country man was carrying Naruto over his shoulder, before setting him down. "Okay ... how about you introduce yourselves so we can get to know each other better?"

Before Sakura could speak up, the Demon Country retainer cleared his throat. The others watched as he pulled out several cards. "My name is unimportant, as I have been ordered by Shion-sama to watch over Naruto for the day while she shops and has his apartment … 'raised to the standards a man like Naruto deserves,'" he said, reading from the card and adjusting his glasses. "Naruto-sama likes ramen, Shion-sama, and destroying demons with their Almighty Ultra-Chakra Rasengan," he said.

Kakashi blinked. The kid knew the Fourth's technique!?

"What's a rasengan?" asked Sakura.

"His dislikes are emos, demons on power trips, and disappointing Shion-sama," the man continued. "His goals are to become Hokage and help Shion-sama … make many new priestesses," he finished, blushing slightly.

"No more," muttered Naruto. "I need sleep… No, not the whipped cream again…"

Sakura and Sasuke just stared at the muttering blond.

"I take it Shion-sama is the reason Naruto is in such a condition," said Kakashi.

The priest nodded. "It was to avert a prediction she had," he said. "She said she had a vision that a great many people would die unless she met with Naruto-sama very quickly. I believe this is the first time she has ever taken steps to invalidate her vision, as she has never been wrong before."

"He looks like he's lost weight," said Sakura.

The priest nodded. "He was about two kilograms lighter this morning. But Shion-sama is hopeful he will gain it back at lunch and dinner tonight. She said she has … plans for tonight to boost their chakra levels," he said with a deepening blush.

"No Shion," said Naruto, still dream-talking, "it's sore, it'll fall off."

"Could you ensure he is … healthy … and awake for a test tomorrow?" asked Kakashi.

"You will have to submit that request to Shion-sama herself," said the priest nervously. "But be warned, she predicted a very painful death for those that took away from her Naruto-happy-time."

* * *

**Loop #5:**

Sarutobi sighed as he rubbed his forehead, looking across from his desk at the 'visiting dignitaries'.

There is no visiting when you have the people before you that he did. That included the other four kages from the Great Shinobi Nations, a few others from the minor nations, no less than four princesses, the Head Priestess from Demon Country, several publishers, Jiraiya, and several other assorted leaders.

They were all here for the same thing, the same three people who had 'left' the village three years ago.

He could remember the reports like they were yesterday, mainly because ever since then groups like this had been showing up at Konoha, wanting answers.

First and the least destructive and unassuming had been Sakura Haruno. At the age of four, she was undergoing introductory kunoichi classes to learn feminine skills. It was later discovered she had beaten several girls known to have make fun of her larger-than-average forehead, tied them up, and left several dozen garden snakes in the room with them.

The girls recovered, but they had a fear of snakes ever since … and oddly a fear of the color pink.

The second was Sasuke Uchiha. On the same day, he had burned down a Uchiha Shrine, hospitalized several Uchiha Elders, proclaimed he would marry a Senju clan female because "I heard they were wild in the sack", and destroyed the wall of the Uchiha compound while proclaiming he would find the man who made people think that the Uchiha had released Kyuubi on Konoha.

It was funny to note however that several Uchiha did marry Senju females afterwards, three were later hospitalized with severe exhaustion. After that, and following Sasuke's rant, tension between the two clans had dropped quickly. There was also some Senju males looking at and marrying Uchiha females, saying they would likely live longer.

Who was he to judge, peace was restored and it upset his former teammates and Danzo, a plus as always in his book.

Then there was Naruto Uzumaki, the real surprise that day. He had beaten up several other children in the orphanage, beat up several workers there, informed them that if they couldn't tell he wasn't the Kyuubi, then they needed to have their heads examined, and he was the perfect one to crack them open and look inside. While the ANBU had been looking for him to question him and ensure the Kyuubi was indeed still sealed, Naruto had invaded the Hyuuga compound and viciously beat a member of the Kumo delegation who had been attempting to kidnap the Hyuuga heiress.

He knew because when he and the ANBU had arrived, Sakura and Sasuke were there with the rest of the delegation tied up and occasionally kicking them, claiming 'Konoha don't like 'dat shit!'.

Needless to say, the treaty was renegotiated after that blatant assault, not unless Kumo wanted it publicly known their delegation had been beaten by three four-year-olds.

Then the three disappeared on what they claimed was a road trip. He only knew this because Anko had caught them discussing it while the Uchiha had been using his Sharingan to peep on a couple having … relations, saying he would become the greatest lover of all time. She would have stopped them, but said couple spotted her with the binoculars and things had degenerated from there.

Then the reports started coming in, including the people following them.

The Kazekage and his brother-in-law were attacked, his son 'kidnapped' by the trio.

The same for the Raikage, with the exception a young in-training kunoichi named Yugito Nii was kidnapped.

The daughter of the Head Priestess of Demon Country was kidnapped after a blond stole her chakra and defeated the demon Mouryou.

Snow Country was currently searching for the missing daughter of its former daimyo after the group who had taken it in a coup was slaughtered.

Some group was looking for Sakura now because someone using her name and a grown-up likeness of the young girl was writing yaoi fiction on par with Icha Icha Paradise.

Kirigakure claimed that this group was also responsible for killing the Fourth Mizukage, taking a few members of the Kaguya clan into it, and a few members of the Seven Swords.

Otogakure, a relatively new village, claimed its Otokage had been executed by a trio of children, and that the group had left taking with it several Sound ninjas, mostly females. ANBU later confirmed that the Otokage had been Orochimaru.

The reports continued on, indicating this group had kidnapped several high-profile individuals—some of which ANBU insisted were possible Jinchūriki. And while it was doubted the villages wanted them back, it was known that the villages wanted anything they could get if it was proven Konoha had a hand in it.

Even recently, a report on an attack of a corrupt shipping tycoon known as Gato was killed by 'a whisker-faced blond riding atop a giant sea creature, a turtle with three tails'.

There were even reports of a 'peeping Uchiha who claimed to be the founder of Injutsu'.

It didn't end there. At some point, an older man had joined the group, displaying control over four chakra elements. Then there were reports that Tsuande and her apprentice had joined them as well.

Oh sure, they didn't seem to be a warring group—there had been a bill sent to the Uchiha for a large supply of sake and fees for renting an island resort for a 'kick-ass kegger'. But still, the group had changed the face of the ninja-world in less than three years. It didn't help matter though that the whisker-faced blond would introduce himself as 'the son of the Fourth Hokage'.

How did he even know?

"Sir!"

Looking up, the massive group turned to see the jounin entering. "We just received reports that the Trio group is heading here!"

Sarutobi winced a bit. What were they doing now?

* * *

"So I figured we would hit the hot springs, and allow the big guy here to use that lake by the waterfall, maybe turn it into a good beach party," said Naruto, sitting on top of the giant three-tailed Bijuu. "They'll have plenty of fish and pretty girls there for you big guy!"

The Bijuu let out what could be a purr.

"I swear the thing is a bigger pervert than Jiraiya," said Sasuke, as he worked on the scrolls of his 'precious Injutsu'. "Maybe even Sakura."

"I am not a pervert," said the pink-haired preteen, working on her newest Yaoi Paradise book.

"Yeah, yeah," said Naruto. "You're a super-pervert."

"Damn right," she said. "So who's paying for this party?" she asked.

Sasuke just smirked. "I vote Orochimaru."

Naruto blinked before he opened a bag beside him, one severely expanded by a space-time seal. "Hmm, maybe him and Tobi?" he asked with a smirk.

"Mizukage is a good Kage," said the smiling Sakura.

Naruto nodded and turned his head towards the shell of the giant Bijuu. "Party at the hot springs, courtesy of Orochimaru and Madara!"

The sound of cheers rose from the back of the lone free Bijuu.

"Think we should tell the Old Man we're coming back?" asked Sasuke.

"Maybe they'll have a Welcome Home party for us," said Sakura.

"Nah," said Naruto. "Besides, I wanna surprise him and show him what we've been up to. I mean, man, imagine the surprise looks on their faces when we tell them what we've been up to."

"Ah," said Sasuke with a smile. "You know, I love these vacation loops."

* * *

**Loop #6:**

Kakashi blinked as he opened the door to the classroom, wondering why he hadn't sensed anything before then, as he gazed at the scene.

On one side of the room were Sasuke and Sakura. Sasuke … looked like he was going for a pirate motif of an open white shirt and black pants, holding a katana that seemed to be arcing with lightning chakra, making the Copy-Cat question if perhaps Sasuke had made his own version of Chidori. Sakura, instead of making the typical fangirl actions towards her now pirate-dressed love interest, she was glaring at her opponents on the other side of the room. Instead of the typical dress she had in the files he had read about her, she was wearing a top with a vest that exposed her midriff, fingerless gloves, and shorts.

Across the room from them were … Naruto Uzumaki and a horse-sized three-tailed kitsune. Instead of Naruto's usual jumpsuit was an outfit mixed with dark orange and black, covered with a long coat that had the word's "Orange Flash" written on it.

And judging by the way the four were staring at each other, he suspected they were more likely to try and kill each other than work as a team.

Not a good thing in his opinion.

"It wasn't that bad, Dobe!" smirked Sasuke.

"NOT THAT BAD!" yelled Naruto. "You drugged me, gave him a sex change, and made it look like I slept with him/her!" yelled Naruto.

"I'm with the Kit here," growled the kitsune in a demonic voice. "You die for that!"

"It was a joke!" said Sakura.

"You mentally programmed him to believe we were lovers!" yelled Naruto.

"Yeah, that was pretty cool to watch," came the perverted smiling voice of Sasuke. "Didn't think he'd start it up though."

"It was wonderful to watch," smiled Sakura.

"Told you they got off on stuff like that, Kit," said the kitsune.

"Excuse me?" said Kakashi. While it sounded like a very interesting story, he did have his own questions to ask, and see if he actually had a team to teach this year.

"What?" yelled out Naruto, palms flexing.

"I am your sensei, Kakashi," he said. "And my first impression of you is … you have some issues."

"No shit," grumbled Naruto. "Most of my issues are because of them!"

"You act like this is the first time we ever did this to you," said Sakura.

Naruto and the kitsune paled a bit. "This isn't the first time," he whispered.

"Um… See you on the roof," chuckled Sasuke, as he and Sakura disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Kit?"

"Yeah, Kyukit?"

"They die … slowly … in ways Ibiki and Anko would think were disturbing."

"Oh yeah."

"Okay then," said Kakashi. "As fun as this is, meet me on the roof in five minutes with your … friend. And let's try not to kill your teammates on the first day," he said, closing the door behind him.

"Why do I always get the weird ones?" he said with a sigh.

* * *

Kakashi was a bit shocked to see them all once again assembled … and once again in the Mexican Standoff pose from the classroom, on the roof. "Okay then, let's introduce ourselves."

"We already know each other," grumbled the kitsune apparently named Kyukit.

"They are a couple of voyeuristic perverted life destroying nymphomaniacs!" yelled Naruto.

"He says that like it's a bad thing," said Sakura.

"Well you do tend to plan for yaoi a bit too much for my tastes," said Sasuke.

"You know you like being the girl at times and you know it," said Sakura.

"Only for Naruto."

"YOU SICK BASTARDS! I'LL KILL YOU!" yelled Naruto. "YOU WON'T BE COMING BACK THIS TIME!"

"Oh you liked it, quit being pissed," said Sasuke.

"Can we just do the introductions anyway," said Kakashi, trying to prevent a bloodbath. "I could go first," he offered. He did plan to get the information on the reason for this fight from the apparent self-admitted 'couple of voyeuristic perverted life destroying nymphomaniacs' later, as well as where Naruto had gotten Kyukit from. But right now, he was a bit worried about informing them of the Bell Test tomorrow. Hmm, perhaps he could pawn it off on a very chuunin and jounin who owed him. He didn't particularly want to be alone with these people for any extended amount of time.

"Fine!" yelled Naruto. "My name is Naruto Uzumaki, heir to Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki," he said, making Kakashi's visible eye go wide in shock that Naruto knew his parents. "I like ramen and quiet, I dislike these sick fucks, and my goal is to remain sex-free for a long time!"

"Not gonna happen," said Sasuke and Sakura, shaking their heads.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY SEX LIFE, YOU BASTARDS!"

"Ah, that's no fun," said the giggling Sakura. "Besides, no sex would so disappoint Hinata and the other girls."

Naruto's eyes narrowed. "What did you do?"

"Why do you seek to squash our youthful fires?" asked Sasuke, before he jumped into the air with Sakura, as the roof below them was destroyed by a fired Rasengan.

"Was it something we said?" asked Sakura.

"KYUUBI CANNON!" yelled Kyukit, as he fired a blast of super-dense chakra at the couple.

Kakashi sank to his knees as the blast exploded, and while having done so in the air, the shock wave had knocked him off balance. _I wonder if I can get them promoted and out of my hair before dinner…_

* * *

**Loop #7:**

Kakashi blinked as he opened the door, a cream pie hitting him in the face.

"Ah," came a chuckling voice, "the classics never go out of style."

Wiping his face clean, he didn't even bother to look at his students. If he had, he might have decided to go back to the Hokage and insist on an immediate mental evaluation for them. "My first impression of you is … unimpressed. Meet me on the roof in five minutes."

* * *

Upon getting up there himself, he noticed they had all arrived … including the Hyuuga girl? Was he really that late that even Kurenai had finished her genin team test? And what the hell were they wearing.

"Okay," he said carefully, wondering if that pie to his face had been drugged, "let's introduce ourselves."

"I am Sasuke Uchiha," said the costumed boy. "By day, I am a millionaire playboy.

"But when darkness falls, and the scum of the world descend on the innocents, I strike. I am vengeance. I am the night! I AM **BATMAN!**" he finished as lightning flashed across the sky, making it look like his eyes had been glowing white outside of the pure black costume.

"O…kay," said Kakashi, as he pointed to the kunoichi. She seemed a safer bet than Naruto at the moment.

"I am Sakurrrrra Harrrruno," said the cat-themed kunoichi, dressed in all black with goggles, a whip, and a very large lion from the Forest of Death in front of her. "I help my bat-themed love interrrrest fight crime, a puurrrrrrfect combination, if I do say so. Isn't that right, Isis?"

The lion roared, making Kakashi stealthfully check to insure he had not relieved himself.

It was close, but he had not.

"Yes, Isis, we find ourselves in a CATagious mood of joy with out team," she said with a smile as she snapped her whip.

Kakashi took in a deep breath, wondering if he should summon Pakkun and send him for help. But he felt Sakura's cat was probably hungry enough to try and eat the small dog summons. He had the feeling he would need it soon, as he hadn't even gotten to the Demon Container yet. "And you?" he asked.

The figure chuckled, his blond hair now green, his face painted white, and his orange jumpsuit replaced with a purple dress suit. "Why such a nice rogue gallery we have here tonight, don't you agree Harley?"

"Y-y-yes, Mr. J," said the Hyuuga girl, dressed up as a harlequin jester.

"Good girl, easy on the eyes too," smiled the clown-themed Naruto. "And we all know about you, Kakashi-sensei, you're a real cut-up," he said laughing loudly, as he tossed several cards at the man.

Kakashi leapt to the side, surprised as the playing cards stuck into the wall behind him.

"What's your game, Joker?" growled Sasuke.

Naruto smirked as he pulled out a small box. "Quite simple, Bats; tiddley-winks!" he cried, dropping said box to the ground, releasing a large plume of gas.

As Sasuke and Sakura leapt backwards, Kakashi opened the door to the stairs as the gas hit him, making his legs go numb and sending him tumbling down the stairs. The last words he heard before everything went black were Naruto asking Sasuke if a cat had his tongue, and Sakura commenting how she wished.

* * *

**Loop #8:**

Kakashi blinked as he entered the classroom. He had been expecting to see his team there, perhaps slightly upset at the fact he was late.

But there was no one, just two notes pinned to the other side of the door.

Blinking, he pulled off the first one.

_Kakashi,_

_Five Minute Rule is in effect. We're having some Korean Beef. Come while Teme's paying!_

_Naruto_

He could only stare at that. If his guess was true, his team had left five minutes after he was supposed to be there and for the past few hours had been at that beef restaurant.

Well, he was feeling a bit peckish. But he decided to read the second note first. He had to make sure they hadn't ditched him again.

_Kakashi-sensei; you're late! Prepare to be punished!_

_Sakura_

"Punished?" he said to nobody. But the punishment became clear as the paper began to burn.

* * *

The small explosion was ignored at the restaurant, as the three people sat in their private booth, still eating and talking.

"So anything planned for this loop?" asked Naruto as he eyed the remaining piece of beef on the grill.

"Not really," said Sasuke. "I don't feel like spending time with Orochimaru this loop. You guys don't know the hell I went through to make certain I knew everything he did."

"Oh please," said Sakura, "like you had the worst Sannin as a teacher. Tsunade was way worse than the serpent ever was."

"Maybe," said Sasuke. "Mine didn't turn me into a nymph," he added with a smile.

Sakura's eyes narrowed as chakra began to focus in her hand. "Maybe he gave you a delayed erectile dysfunction."

"You're just pissed I won't play your little fantasies out like Naruto does," he said, ignoring her threat. "After you have to help Orochimaru find his favorite rubber ducky in a large bubble bath, you fear nothing anymore."

Sakura snorted. "I had to deal with Tsunade when she was drunk in every loop. Let me tell you, when she gets grabby, you get deep tissue bruising." Sakura just stared into her cup for a moment. "Still can't figure out if she's naturally that big or if she used a damn jutsu."

"Natural," said Naruto as he speared the beef and plucked it into his mouth.

"And just how do you know?" asked Sasuke.

Sakura's smirk grew as she began to recall those memories.

Naruto shivered. "You don't want to know. Let's just say I had it worse than any of you and leave it at that."

"Liar," grumbled Sasuke. "Bubble bath, remember?"

Naruto narrowed his eyes. "Ero-sennin kept trying to get me to use my Sexy Jutsu to entice women into acts for his 'inspiration'," said Naruto. "He actually improved in his genjutsu trying it, I had to improve in dispelling it after the first few times."

"So you henged—"

"I do a full transform, Teme," glared Naruto.

"I can vouch for that," said Sakura. "Tsunade and I studied it; a few loops she used it to actually achieve a younger body rather than her usual stuff."

"So let me get this straight," said Sasuke. "Jiraiya tricked you into going lesbian so he can get inspired to write?"

Naruto nodded.

Sasuke just leaned back into the chair, smiling. "Book was damned good, I'd have to say."

"Wasn't it?" chirped Sakura, giggling slightly. "And trust me, he makes such cute little squeaks when he's a girl…"

Sasuke forgot for a moment about his friend's supposed torture—he'd rather think it would be an enjoyable experience, but he was a bit more perverted than Naruto—as he stared at Sakura. "And how would you know?"

"Don't ask!" said Naruto quickly. "What is learned cannot be unlearned!"

Sakura just ignored him. "Let's say at first, Tsunade has a few Minato-fantasies she liked to live out in more than a few timelines."

Blinking a bit, Sasuke focused once more on Naruto. "You nailed Tsunade?" he asked, eyes wide.

"You say that like I was given a choice, Teme," grumbled Naruto.

"He's got a point," said Sakura. "But those were fun lessons as I recall. You never complained."

"I was bound, gagged, and secured so not even the damned Fox could help me!" yelled Naruto.

Sasuke directed his gaze over to Sakura. "She taught you to be a dominatrix? Isn't that a bit redundant?"

Sakura just snorted. "Please, that was going on the first time through. It's also why Ino was so much nicer to me during that and every loop since," said the girl with a perverted smile.

Sasuke just shook his head. "Damn, I'm half tempted to give into the fangirl fantasy for that. But I have no intention of performing yaoi for you," he said, looking at Sakura. "And if you even mention the guys you did trick into it, I'll end this loop for you right now."

"Naruto never minded," she countered.

"Naruto was drugged heavily," replied Naruto with a lidded gaze. "And if Naruto had full recall, I'd rip the Fox's seal off and let him deal with you for a loop. He didn't like that either."

Sakura just smiled as she stood up and performed a henge. Her form was replaced with the young image of Tsunade. But instead of her usual robes, she was now wearing a one-piece leather corset that framed her body like a tight bathing suit, the top of which seemed to only barely be able to keep the exposed cleavage from revealing her nipples. In her hand was a long riding crop.

"You are angering your Mistress," she said, slapping her thigh as she glared at the boy.

Naruto—who at this point had been very close to curling into a ball and crying as the horrors he had experienced through way too many loops came crashing onto him—was saved from further embarrassment as several patrons collapsed noisily to the floor, blood pooling around them.

"Kakashi arrived," said Sasuke, noting that the closest fallen male was their instructor, clothes damaged from Sakura's paper bomb, and his usual blue mask now completely red.

Sakura/Tsunade nodded as she dropped the henge. "Yep, still got it!"

"You realize what this means now," said Sasuke, as he stood up and removed several bottles of sake from nearby tables—it wasn't like those guys needed the liquor anymore.

"What?" asked Sakura as she slipped the bill into Kakashi's hand.

"We need to get Orochimaru interested in Naruto's body so he'll be three for three in perverted Sannin."

"WHAT?" yelled Naruto, allowing righteous anger to once more try and suppress those memories.

"The path to Hokage is fraught with peril," said Sakura in a wise tone.

"One of these days…" Naruto started off.

"Yeah, yeah," waved off Sasuke. "Seal, Kyuubi, painful death; we know."

* * *

**Loop #9:**

Naruto sighed as he sat once more in the classroom, waiting once more for his Jounin-Sensei to finally arrive … in about two hours.

Really, this loop beginning was getting old and it was getting old fast. Was it too much to ask the Gods of fate or whatever was doing this to him to pick some new points to start at occasionally? Really, couldn't he end up the best genin once? Did he always need to start off Dead Last? Or some company? Even a small friend who could experience the loops with him would be some comfort and joy.

Well, he did have the Kyuubi, but the Fox was bored after the last time Naruto had let him out to save the world, and that was nearly fifty loops ago.

_Man, I feel old now. How many loops does it take to make that Bijuu like you like a son?_

Before he could even begin to contemplate what bizarre and possibly obscene moves to make during this loop, something happened that surprised him.

The door began to open! That door never opened! Not unless he decided to go pull off some stunts early, that door always remained closed until Kakashi showed up.

When the person entered, he really wished he could take back his earlier wishes.

The female jounin smirked as she looked in. "Yo! Change of plans, I'm your new Sensei. My name's Anko Mitarashi! Now get your asses up to the roof in three minutes so we can have a meet-n-greet, followed by me finding out what sort of raw materials I've been given to change into Kage-level ninjas loyal to the village … or what I need to carve on your graves for wasting my time.

"And Uzumaki!"

Naruto just stared, eyes wide. No, it couldn't be…

"Don't think I've forgotten, I'm going to pay back that promise."

He could swear he could hear the Kyuubi laughing his furry ass off.

"Hell, I'll double it if you do it again!" the snake apprentice said with a perverted smile.

As she shut the door, the other two looked at him, silently asking him to explain.

He just stood up and made his way towards the window. Anko had likely booby-trapped the hallway as a test, and he was certainly in no mood to explain that Anko was now offering to have ten kids by him if he killed her former teacher again.

"Be careful what you wish for," he murmured, as he flipped out the window and made his way to the roof.

* * *

Naruto leapt to the roof, spotting Anko smiling before him. Growling slightly, he stalked up to her, ignoring the sounds as small paper bombs went off in the hallways below him as well as the squeals of a fan girl as her potential stalking victim was soon damaged by his own carelessness.

"Hi, lover-boy," smiled Anko, waving at him. "Gotta admit though, you're a bit too young for me at the moment. But a few years, you're going to be always waking up in my bed."

Naruto's hand and lips twitched. Using a Class-A move on her would probably be very bad for him during the loop. "What are you doing?" he asked, trying to remain calm.

Anko just kept her 'I'm so innocent' smile. "Not sure; not even sure how I ended up in the loop with you. But I figured 'what the hell'. I mean, who would you rather have as an instructor: me or Kakashi?"

"I get a choice?" groused Naruto, catching a kunai tossed at him and quickly cutting off the fuse for the attached paper bomb. Anko never did respond well to sarcasm.

"Honestly," she said, leaning back against the nearby wall, "I wonder how long it'll be before this little 'miscommunication' gets noticed and corrected. I really don't see Kakashi rushing frantically to inform the Hokage that Team 7 never met him … at least not at what time they were supposed to be waiting for him."

He opened his mouth—still ignoring what was now a louder Sakura a few floors below him screaming about her hair being on fire—to respond. But he had to admit, she made sense. And there were a few rules that allowed a jounin—even a special jounin—to take over as a Team Leader if the previous one was unfit for any reason. And it was something new, a new way to begin the loops.

The fact that Sasuke and Sakura were experiencing the perils of being ninja firsthand and would do so as Anko began their torture effective training could be a good laugh. Not that he looked forward to them suffering immensely under their false beliefs of what being a nin entailed. Of course not. "Fine," he said, releasing himself to the flow instead of fighting against it. "Anything else I should know about, changes and such? I mean, I've been here a good half-day already. I assume you were as well."

She nodded.

"You're not going to tell me, are you?"

She shook her head. "Now where would be the fun in that?"

Naruto paled at that, not hearing the chain of explosions on the floor before him. "What did you do?"

"Here's a hint: getting some mail out of Konoha the next few days might be a problem, Lover Boy.

"I said you were too young for me at the moment, I never said you would be waiting."

Naruto fell to his knees. "You sent out letters … to them?"

She just nodded her head quickly. "You know, most young men would be thankful for the amount of tail you might be getting soon. And not to mention the funds from performing the missions requested of the great Naruto Uzumaki."

This was going to be one of the shorter loops for him … because Anko had just set him up to die … a very painful death.

"Who loves you, Baby?" she squealed outward.

* * *

**Loop #10:**

Kakashi entered the classroom, wondering what his tardiness had done to his emerging team. Would they be upset? Would they assume it was normal?

He did not expect to find the classroom empty.

"Did I come on the wrong day?" he asked no one, as he looked around, spotting a piece of paper taped to a desk.

* * *

_Ninjas who abandon the mission are trash._

_Ninjas who abandon their teams are worse than trash._

_Ninjas who are hours late to a meeting with their team have their house destroyed by paper bombs with the investigation discovering Sailor Senshi costumes in their closet and in their size, next to boxes of yaoi porn and nude drawings of the Third Hokage._

_Sign,  
Naruto Uzumaki  
Sasuke Uchiha  
Sakura Haruno  
Kyuubi no Yoko_

* * *

Kakashi's one visible eye widened after reading that. It had to be a joke. Sure, there was a paw print on the paper that resembled a fox's. But certainly his team didn't know where he lived, let alone could get through the traps he had set—

**BOOOM!**

"Oh, they're good," he muttered as he raced off to prevent their prank from ruining his reputation. "They're dead, but good."

* * *

Meanwhile, as the Korean Beef Restaurant…

"I still say we can pull it off," said Sasuke, pointing his chopsticks at Naruto.

"Yeah, I can see it," said Naruto. "But we'd have to first convince the Hokage of made-up files that prove the Uchiha Massacre was all done by Madara not being a good boy, get him cleared before taking out the Elders, and then somehow get him back here without bringing Shark Boy with him, let alone Madara's little friends."

Sakura snorted as she batted away two of the miniature Kyuubi's tails from stealing some of the beef off of her plate. "And that fear has nothing to do with a certain Rinnegan user, does it?"

Naruto snorted. "Hey, when you're being held down by six guys so some girl can have her way with you, then you can bitch about what I fear."

"Damn," snorted Sasuke. "You really are an idiot."

Naruto was about to reply to the insult, before he paused, remembering some of Sakura's own adventures in the Loop. "Right, my bad. Bitch away, Sakura."

The pink haired kunoichi growled in anger, glaring at the two boys. "Oh, talk about double standards. You sleep with half the ninja world, that's okay. But when I do it one time…"

"One time doesn't mean starting in one loop and ending in another," interrupted Sasuke.

"Can you three brats stop this useless bitching and get back to more important things?" asked the miniature Kyuubi, about the size of a large dog, as eight of his tails were busy using chopsticks to prepare his own beef. It had only been within the last hundred loops that Naruto had figured out how to give the Bijuu a small body—small by the Bijuu's standards—to exist outside the seal. Oh sure, he couldn't grow and go on a rampage, but it was certainly better than sitting in that sewer all the time.

"Fine," said Naruto. "Now while having Itachi as a jounin sensei would be cool, I'll admit that, we really haven't had that much practice doing something like that. While the newness is cool, I don't think it is something we should be doing on a low-level loop."

Sasuke nodded as he put his brother's photo in the 'rejected' pile of possible sensei.

"So what about my choice?" asked Sakura. "You have to admit, Shizune knows her stuff, and we could all use someone as traveled and as experienced—quit laughing you two!!—as our sensei."

"One problem," said Naruto. "Who'd watch Granny?"

The other three blinked, before shuddering. A Tsunade without supervision was never a good thing. The things she did…

"Right," said Sakura, as she tore up the photo. "Must have been the booze from the last loop that made me think that was a good idea."

"And now my suggestion," said Naruto, as he held up a picture of Anko.

"You sure we should try her, Dobe?" asked Sasuke. "You do remember what she does when we kill Orochimaru."

Naruto shrugged. "Don't know about you, but she's kind of gentle in the bedroom for me."

"Gentle!" exclaimed Sakura. "I was dehydrated, I couldn't feel my legs!"

Sasuke just paled as his own memories of the Bedroom Encounters of Anko surfaced. So much pink paint, so many weird seals in odd places.

Naruto just shrugged. He honestly didn't see the problem. Oh sure, for him she sometimes just needed to be held, she preferred cuddling up to a movie rather than going out, but she was certainly one of the tamest of his lovers.

She certainly wasn't Hanabi. Now there was a freak.

"Man, this sucks," said Sasuke. "Do we really need to leave the village to get a decent normal teacher?"

"I'm sorry," said Naruto. "You must be new to the Hidden Leaf. Would you like a tour?"

"Can you even name one normal person in the Village who was at any time a ninja?" asked Sakura.

"Whatever," sighed Sasuke. "Fine, we'll take Anko.

"Now new business; have we learned how to bring others with us into the Loop. We need some fresh faces."

Naruto shrugged. "I can only carry you two as far as I know."

"And how do you know that?" asked Sakura.

Naruto just pointed his thumb at the dining fox.

"Is there any way for us to support people?" asked Sakura.

The Kyuubi nodded, his tails lashing out and gathering the accumulated beef from the cooking grill. "Sure, by now you two have enough chakra to carry three apiece, easily."

"What?" bellowed Naruto. "How come I can only do two?"

"Kit, I told you that you could do only two how many centuries ago?" asked the Kyuubi, as he munched happily on some cooked meat. "You're much more powerful than that now, better control, certainly didn't hurt of what I've eaten since then."

"And what did you eat?" asked Sakura.

"The other Bijuus in that damned statue a few times," he said, his free tail scratching his chin. "I've eaten that damned demon Mouryou probably a thousand times by now.

"So yeah, even I'm stronger than ever, probably could carry every Jinchūriki and several villages with me … well, if you wanted every normal person to go insane."

"So how many can I carry?" asked Naruto.

"Probably ever vixen you've nailed since Day 1," said Kyuubi.

"Damn, that's a whole country," teased Sakura. Her smile faded as she saw Naruto actually trying to count the number of women he had been with, damned near speared him with her chopsticks after she heard him mutter the words 'three hundred and'.

* * *

"I swear, Ibiki," said a soot-covered Kakashi, "this isn't what it looks like. You really need to look underneath the underneath here."

"That had better not have been a come-on," said the interrogator, as he held up a partially damaged Sailor Mars costume, as he stared at the Copycat Ninja.

* * *

**Loop #11: (Warning, slightly lemony content)**

Naruto opened his eyes, looking up towards the cracked tiles above him. "A familiar ceiling."

His eyes blinked wide at that. "Fuck, I'm Shinji Ikari!"

Sighing, he sat up, giving no thought to even looking at the calendar on the wall. He knew the day, it was always the same day, it had been since the first reset, it would be at the last reset.

He got his team assignment today.

"At least I woke up alone today," he groused, as he made his way to grab a quick shower. Any time he woke up clothed and without his manhood out of its confines and deep in a kunoichi was always a welcome change.

"Naruto Uzumaki, making peace through sex for eight centuries," he sighed as he quickly showered. The last thing he wanted to do was give more openings to any of the NUKE (Naruto Uzumaki's Kunoichi Enthusiasts) ninjas to isolate him, especially in his apartment, where no neighbors at this point in time would care if they heard him begging for mercy.

"Damn insatiable lolis," he grumbled. "Can't they fucking wait till they're legal first?" he asked the familiar ceiling.

Somehow, he doubted he would get an answer.

"Could you at least make this a loop where I don't get caught by Gaara fucking Temari?" he asked. Then again, the Sand kunoichi was always pretty vocal when they fucked … and now that he thought about it, she always chose the places they had sex. Sure, she was a great lay, but he really didn't want to have his balls receive a Sand Funeral … again.

Thankfully, that world was reset immediately afterwards. "At least she usually hooks him up with his only fangirl before the Chuunin exams since then."

Sighing in resignation that the blond kunoichi would just do—usually him loudly, passionately, and with copious amounts of fluids covering them—what she wanted.

"Man, the only sane partner I've ever had was Anko," he sighed, before a smile lit up his lips.

"Well, might as well give Kakashi-sensei a real reason to be late today," he chuckled as he forms the ram hand seal. He did have a lot to do and so little time to do it in.

After all, ANBU-preserved and guarded eyes of the dead Uchiha and a rare set of eyes from a Main Branch Hyuuga didn't get stolen and implant themselves, now did they?

* * *

Steeling himself for what promised to be a scene that would haunt him for many loops to come, Naruto finally entered the classroom, where Iruka-Sensei was already taking attendance. He wanted to run, he truly did. It was only being a coward if he wasn't in danger.

The danger of having either his manhood fall apart from overuse or the damned Kyuubi trying to 'help' him was very real. The one time Konohamaru saw the early four-tailed Fox's Cloak, he hadn't been scared. But to this loop, he still hadn't found out why the Sarutobi-child had insisted he take the nickname "Carnage" and start calling Sasuke "webhead".

At least Teme seemed to know what it meant, it had been a thrill to at least piss him off like that until he perfected the Fox's Cloak.

But now, he was so tempted to simply send in a Kage Bushin and be done with it. But damned if they didn't last long. Besides, a few hundred were already on their way to the not-so-secret ANBU storehouse to fetch him some new eyes to merge with his own. There were always some idiots in every loop who jus needed mind-fucked.

_I think that's my queue!_

His eyes went wide as he realized where he was. He was outside the door still, true. But he was looking through the glass, and directly into the eyes of the mental jutsu mistress of Ino. Apparently, she had reconstituted her memories a bit quicker this loop.

_Now then, as much as I like the whole "for the next seventy-two hours, I will fuck you eight ways from Sunday" move, I want it after your meeting with Kakashi today. You will be there, you will be raring to go, and you will make sure I'll wish I had worn panties today as I walk home bow-legged. Understand?_

Gulping, he nodded his head quickly.

_Good, and do send some clones around to tidy up and get some non-ramen food, preferably something to ensure we keep going … and going … and going…_

He broke eye-contact as he shivered. Damn that woman and her itch that could never be scratched. She had worn out more Kage Bushins as sex toys than any of the other girls. She was nearly as kinky as…

Slowly looking around, he spotted the Hyuuga heir … wearing a mesh tank-top, mini-skirt, and a weapons pouch. Yep, Hinata had most likely awoken the same time as him, which meant…

She smiled though the door. Well, at least he wouldn't have to deal with Sasuke's brooding; he'd soon be too busy in a sealed broom closet thoroughly exploring the true Hyuuga bloodgift—a 26B if he was correct.

_It's not loli if they're the same age as you,_ he chanted inside his mind, as he tried to prepare himself, hoping that Sakura was at least still non-formed at the moment. Otherwise she'd jump him in the class and try to tease Sasuke into 'competing' against him and her as the match.

And by now, she knew all the buttons to push too. He had no doubt that by tomorrow, girls everywhere would soon be discovering 'true accounts' of Itachi's love life in Konoha, and thus wonder if the self-declared avenger was beating him in that.

Then again, who was he to care; it kept them from trying to get into his pants. He had too many as is, and that was with Kage Bushins and the strength of the Kyuubi helping him.

Opening the door, he stepped in.

"Well, thanks for joining us, Naruto," said Iruka, trying to be harsh. "Have a seat."

Nodding, Naruto looked around. Sakura was staring dreamily at Sasuke, always good.

The only empty seat was between Hinata and Ino. That was very bad. And it was in the back of the class.

He wasn't going to survive the day.

* * *

Iruka blinked as he heard a loud squeak. Looking up, he saw that the girls on either side of Naruto had not moved closer to the boy, and said boy was the source of the squeak. "Naruto, is there a problem with being on Team 7?"

"No Iruka-Sensei," said the nervous boy, trying not to show any signs of the fact that the images of the girls being seen by Iruka were simple clones, and that said girls were under the table proceeding to lick him like a lollipop.

"Okay then," said the uncertain professor, as he prepared to read the rest of the list. Really, the boy seemed unduly nervous.

* * *

Naruto reentered the classroom, wearing sunglasses to hide his new eyes, and making certain his collar was high enough to hide the hickies Hinata had given him. He'd still be in that closet if Hinata's shadow clone—one she summoned to attend her team meeting in her place—hadn't been dispelled by Kurenai.

Oh well, more energy for the surgery—fusing eyes was very difficult, especially with so many Uchiha eyes to do so—and more energy to try and deal with Ino quickly so he could get some sleep.

"Naruto, where have you been?" demanded Sakura, still thankfully not reconstituted yet.

"Getting some things taken care of," he said dismissively. "Besides, I know who our jounin sensei is, I could have been gone another hour and he still wouldn't have shown up yet."

Sasuke just snorted. "Really?"

Naruto just smirked. "Come on, Teme, who around here would be the best person to train someone hoping to develop their Sharingan?"

The two just looked at him.

"Really, you mean you don't know?" Naruto asked in awe. This … this was something new! It felt … good.

"Tell us, already!" demanded Sakura.

"Nah, I want to enjoy this," he said with a smile. "I mean, the supposed Dead Last in class knowing more than the top two students … kinda nice."

"Naruto," growled Sakura, as she cracked her knuckles.

"Copy-cat Kakashi," he said with a smile.

"Someone say my name?" said the man in question, as he opened the door and entered … minus his flak-jacket and with several tears in his shirt and pants.

Naruto just blinked at that. Well, he had his pants still on, so at least it meant Anko wasn't finished playing yet. Who knew the girl loved a challenge like stealing his mask for bragging rights to Gai-Sensei—and thus ensuring said man would forever bug Kakashi to repeat her success.

"You're late!" yelled Sakura.

"Hmm," said Kakashi. "My first impression of you is—"

"Where's my little silver-haired boy toy at?" came a sing-song voice from outside the classroom window.

"Roof, ten minutes!" whimpered Kakashi, as he dove back into the hallway and proceeded to run away.

"He has commitment issues," said Naruto with a smile, as he made his way out.

* * *

**Loop #12: (Warning, slight lemony content)**

Naruto gulped as he looked down from the Outer Defensive Wall, towards the amassed figures glaring at them.

Yep, this reset was already starting to suck. He hadn't even gotten to initiate his plan for dealing with Kakashi this loop when several ANBU as well as the Third showed up and took him directly to their current local, his team following.

"They're all so cute," quietly squealed Sakura, who thankfully hadn't fully 'woken' up yet, otherwise Naruto had no doubt what she would do at seeing such cuteness. After all, one didn't usually see a single kitsune, let alone a few hundred of varying tail counts gathered as these were.

Sighing, once more, Naruto closed his eyes and delved into his seal.

* * *

"Yo, Kyuubi!" Naruto yelled at the cage.

"No one here but us bunnies!" came the voice back at him.

"Oh no you don't!" yelled Naruto, as he stalked towards the cage, having no fear of being eaten or killed—that fear was saved for the loops where certain male genin decided he was a man they wanted in non-hetero ways. Stepping through the bars, he looked around. "This is all your damned fault!"

"How is so many vixens the fault of a bunny?" asked the scared figure huddling in the corner.

Naruto just growled. "You were the one that suggested for a loop I transform into a young nine-tails kitsune and explore the area."

"You fucked the vixen, kit, not me!" it whimpered. "And I didn't hear you complain at the time when you both assumed a humanoid form. As I recall, you were too busy getting her to scream out your name as you shoved—"

"That's beside the point!" yelled Naruto, his mind trying to focus on the crisis at hand, and not the fact that the three-tailed vixen's womanhood had felt damned fine. "There … are … hundred of them outside of Konoha now."

"… So you want to hide here too?"

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?" he finally yelled.

"Me," Kyuubi squeaked. "You fucked her, you called yourself my heir. What the hell did you think would happen?" It removed its paw from its forehead as it glared at him. "Want a bit of secret knowledge, kit? Male kitsune are very rare, let alone a powerful nine-tails. And they're not limited to the same existence as humans, even that psycho snake Sannin. That means like me, they too might be awake through all these loops."

Naruto paled at that. He had enough trouble with kunoichi, lolis, and Bijuu-containers who liked the fact he had endurance and could survive if their Bijuu got antsy. "You mean to tell me every single vixen is out there for … that?"

"Hail to the King, baby," snorted the Kyuubi, as one of its tails batted Naruto out of the cage. "Do me proud, my heir!"

* * *

Naruto sighed as he opened his eyes. No matter what, he always seemed to be the heir to perverts. What was next; finding out his mother was the heir to a large consortium of pleasure houses?

Wait, bad thought, now he'd likely find that out whenever he asked what his mother's family was like.

"Well," said Kakashi, "this is something I didn't expect today."

"Where is the Kyuubi's heir?" shouted one vixen, having just morphed into a humanoid form … complete with a body that caused a red smear to appear on Kakashi's mask.

Naruto shivered a bit as he looked over to his teammates. Sakura was in shock, probably still trying to understand what was happening. Sasuke … had out his Sharingan? _The baka-hentai achieved it because of a naked girl?!_

"Why do you think he is here?" yelled Sarutobi.

"We can smell him, duh," said a very familiar morphed vixen.

"Give us the heir!" yelled a few others.

"Yeah, Momma has an itch she needs scratched!" Said vixen then looked around at the stares she was receiving. "What? I'd like to see you go without for a century."

_A century! I can't even go a day without someone trying jump my bones!_ Sighing once again, just knowing it was going to be one of those loops, he raised his hand. "Um … hi, Chi!"

A few glares were sent his way, mostly from the humans around him. "Naruto, care to explain?"

Chuckling lightly, Naruto turned to his substitute grandfather. "Well, I found out when I use the henge technique, I transform all the way, and I thought being a fox would be kinda cool, but I always end up with nine tails for some reason. Didn't know why until Mizuki spilled the secret. Anyway, I found Chi and well…" he dropped off.

"… Oh my," said Sarutobi.

"You haven't visited our glade in a while, young kitsune," glared Chi. It was true, it had been quite a few loops since Naruto tried that, mainly because she remembered, and was always able to bring a few more vixens to meet him. And quite frankly, her last words of returning the kitsune to their rightful kingdom was getting a little scary.

He already had enough obsessed sexual partners who would love to sink themselves on him with any of their holes without the need for him to become some messiah.

"Jiji, would it be wrong to haul out the baka-fox and let him deal with this?" asked Naruto. "This is his problem in a way."

"I … don't think you can do that, Naruto."

"What do you plan to do with him?" yelled out Sakura.

"Not a very bright girl; is she?" said a vixen Naruto had never seen before. "We intend to fuck him senseless and rebuild the Kitsune Kingdom! Personally, I want to see if his tongue is really as long and as talented as rumored, and if his 'part' really does always fit you perfectly."

"Hail the Nine-tailed Messiah and source of everlasting nookie!" many of them chanted.

"Nine-tailed Messiah?" asked Sakura, as she turned towards Naruto. Sasuke would have turned as well, but the sheer amount of naked fox-girls before him had taken his Sharingan to new heights, and he was not going to give up a single second of such imagery to spare the Dead Last any attention. And what was that warm feeling that seemed to be leaking from his nose?

Naruto just sunk to his knees, wondering why this stuff only happened to him.

* * *

Omake:

The Sand Siblings stared at the site surrounding their village. Overnight, trees had grown to impressive heights, and armed ... tanuki seemed to be surrounding them.

"This is Naruto's fault," said Gaara in his usual whisper. "I'm certain of it."

Temari just snorted. "Well, you always did need more than one fangirl."

* * *

**Loop #13: (Warning, slight lemony content)**

"Okay," said Kakashi, trying to not fall back and dispel the genjutsu he swore this was. "My first opinion of you all is … creepy. Meet me on the roof," he said, before he disappeared in a puff of smoke. Had that really been the Uchiha boy … in a dress?

* * *

"Ok let's begin with some introductions".

"What do you want to know" asked Sakura.

"How about your likes, dislikes, Dreams for the future, hobbies stuff like that".

"Oh, I'll start!" chirped the feminine clad Uchiha. "My name is Sasuko Uchiha. I like training and sex with Naruto-kun!"

"What?" growled Sakura, as she glared at her blond teammate, as Kakashi's eye went wide.

"I like it when he spanks me as he has me bent over a desk, calling me his naughty whore, before he takes me," she said, giggling slightly.

"I swear, Sakura, it's not what you think!" pleaded Naruto.

"Release!" yelled Kakashi, as he tried to dispel the illusion. But nothing happened. _Could he be under a mental genjutsu!_ He was relatively certain that the Uchiha was really a boy.

"And that little twist thing he does with his tongue," she said, blushing slightly.

"Naaarrrruuuuuuuttoooooooo!" growled Sakura, an aura of power forming around her and burning the ground.

"I swear!" pleaded Naruto, fearful for his life. "I'm innocent, Sakura-chan, you have to believe me!"

"Does this mean Sakura won't join us tonight?" asked Sasuko. "I mean, I know I agreed to try another woman with you. But if she doesn't want to, I understand. More Naruto for me, I guess. But those hands…"

"DIE!" yelled Sakura, as her inner rage gave in after seeing that Naruto had forever taken Sasuke from her.

Kakashi sighed. "Meet me here tomorrow at nine," he said. He was going to need to talk to the Hokage about some extremely bad record keepers, as well as the supposed 'home life' of Uzumaki.

"Can we make it, ten?" asked Sasuko. "I plan to keep him up pretty late tonight, Sakura too if he can convince her to stop being such a prude."

"Uh … sure?" said Kakashi as he disappeared once more.

Seeing that Naruto had been chased away by a berserker Sakura, Sasuko smirked. Raising her sleeve, she wiped off a seal. "Release!" she said, and was instantly replaced by Sasuke Uchiha.

Smiling, he made his way down the stairs. Who knew prank wars combined with a time loop could be so much fun. "Payback's a bitch, Dobe," he said with a smile. "Teach you to tell Orochimaru I was bi-curious."

* * *

**Loop #14: (Warning, slight lemony content)**

"What is the secret of obtaining the highest level of the Sharingan?" asked Sasuke.

Itachi smiled sadistically. "You must do something, something that will allow you to suffer enough to obtain the Mangekyo Sharingan."

"… I am not supporting yaoi."

Itachi shivered a bit. "That is not it."

"… I am not giving up porn."

"That is not… You're seven, why do you have porn?"

"… I'm advanced for my age group. Can we get this over with?"

"Fine. To obtain the ultimate Sharingan, you must give up ever touching yourself."

"… What about bathing?"

"Not that sort of touch?"

"You mean like when I pee?"

"I mean the type of touching that father swore made God cry."

"… I get bitched at for porn and you're telling me the secret is I can no longer masturbate? Who's the sick one here?"

"I just slaughtered our clan; do you really want to be pissing me off at the moment?"

"Fine then; so in order to have the Mangekyo, I never touch Little Sasuke again."

"That is correct."

"What about having another person touch it?"

"No, you must never have a sexual release of any kind."

"… Fuck that! Kill me now! No way in hell am I doing that!"

* * *

…Itachi having fun in a loop. And you have to admit, it would be funny as hell if that were true.


	9. New Intros 3

**New Intros 3**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

This group is based on a Groundhog's Day concept, if time was looping, and certain members were aware of this.

These are their insanities.

* * *

**Loop #1:**

It wasn't a normal day in Konoha, hadn't been since a certain blond jinchuuriki had been made a genin and given his team assignment.

Why, you ask? Was it because he was pranking more now to make up for time away for training and missions? Because he now had access to standard shinobi gear and thus could make more … excessive pranks?

No.

It was because he was riding a horse-sized nine-tailed demon fox.

"Man, you don't seem so bad, Kyuubi no Kitsune," said a smiling blond boy with whisker marks.

"Yoko!" growled out the fox. "Kitsune are nature fox spirits! Yoko are demon fox spirits! I am Kyuubi no Yoko, damn it! Get that right!"

"So … I can't call you Kyukit?"

The Kyuubi actually twitched. "And what is that short for?" he asked, almost fearing the answer.

"It's short for Kyuubi no Kitsune!" said the blond, hugging the fox's head tightly.

"No!"

"… Kyoko?"

"I'm male, damn it! … No, stop trying to check, you brat!" yelled the fox, using its nine tails to try and keep Naruto from looking 'under his hood'. "Brat, if I didn't respect you so much, let alone your old man, I'd kill you."

"Old man?" asked Naruto. "You know my Old Man? Who is he?"

The fox paused, before turning its body to face the blond. "Kid, you look just like him: same wild hair, same blond hair, and same blue eyes."

"…"

"The fucking moron who sealed me in you!" bellowed the fox, making the scared villagers cringe even more. "By Shukaku's balls, how could you not make that connection?"

A few of the villagers not currently gibbering on the ground in a puddle of their own urine blinked at that, slowly putting pieces together. Could they … have been wrong?

"But I respect you more, brat," continued the fox. "And not just because you didn't vaporize this shitty village. If you'd let me, I'd do it in a heartbeat—upstart bastards claiming I'm some brat pulling pranks."

"Nu-uh!" said Naruto. "You ain't vaporizing the village until I die or I get really, really, really pissed and rip off the seal, like the Shinigami said," responded Naruto.

"So because I ain't letting you blow the crap out of the people who're mean to me, you respect me more than my Hokage dad?"

"Well, that and I figure since your chakra levels equal mine now, it's just a matter of time before someone tries to gyp you and you slaughter them all," said the fox casually, before they disappeared around a corner, leaving behind some very pale shop owners and some frantic ANBU.

* * *

"Think they bought it?" asked Naruto, as the duo continued to make their way to the training grounds for the Bell Test."

"Either that or they really threw themselves into the act," said the smirking Kyuubi. "You're right Kit; fucking with their minds is loads more fun than simply killing them."

"Told you," said Naruto. "Hey, wanna head to the Fire Temple tonight and scare the shit out of those priests?"

"Sure," said the Yoko. "We must teach my son the fine art of the Mental Fuck."

* * *

**Loop #2:**

"I blame you for this, Dobe," came a voice to Naruto's right, as the duo made their way to receive their team assignments, the Loop once again restarting.

"Hey, Teme, I'm not the one who loudly proclaimed he would 'use these eyes of mine, the eyes of the strongest Uchiha, to break this Loop' with some cockamamie space-time jutsu.

"You only got yourself to blame for this," said Naruto.

"And I suppose what happened to me had nothing to do with you?" came the near growl.

"Oh yeah," snorted Naruto. "After warning you not to do it … again, you went and pulled off some half-assed attempt to get us free from the Loop … again," said Naruto. "Frankly, be glad we didn't end up in a fused Loop again; I'm sure the others would just love to hear how you pulled this off," he finished with a sneer.

"I still say it's all your fault, Dobe," snarled a feminine voice, as she looked down at her protruding chest.

"Looks like you favor your Mom now, Sasuke," smirked Naruto. Quickly, he held up the neo-female's wallet. "Or should I call you Sasuko now?" he said with a smirk as he showed her ID card to the neo-girl.

The female Uchiha snarled, as she yanked her wallet from him. "Fuck off, Naruto. It's bad enough this fucked up timeline says I'm female, I don't need you adding to my troubles with some lame ass name that—WHAT THE HELL?" she paused, looking at her ID.

It said she was named Sasuko Uchiha.

"Does this mean Itachi is female as well?" wondered Naruto with a smile.

The named Sasuko just twitched. Her parents named her … Sasuko? This had to be a trick, but there was no chakra on the paper. Quickly activating her Sharingan, she stared at the ID, daring a genjutsu to fail.

But it was no use; her parents had given her such a lame name. If they weren't already dead, she'd kill them right now.

If she found out Itachi had had a hand in her name, she **would** kill him now.

"I wonder if anyone else gender-shifted because of your 'great and flawless' plan," said Naruto out loud. "Someone like … oh, Uchiha fangirls."

The twitch grew.

"Not that it would stop Sakura if she switched," Naruto continued. "I mean, let's face it, she'd go after you in any form. Probably use Sexy Jutsu to be a guy for an attempt anyway."

And it grew. "You will teach me that move so I can resume my rightful gender," Sasuko demanded.

"Oh, now I have moves you want to learn," snorted Naruto.

"Think about it, Dobe," smirked Sasuko. "If Sakura gender-shifted, will that stop her from coming after you?"

Naruto shook his head. "Teme, nothing would stop Sakura from coming after us; you know that. Try again."

Sasuko continued to growl.

"Hey, maybe the guys from our class are now after you!" cried Naruto excitedly. "Of course, Lee loves a challenge.

"Oh, don't start puking, Teme," said the smiling Naruto. "I'm sure he'll love helping give birth to spandex wearing, bushy-browed Uchihas of the future."

As soon as she stopped vomiting, she was going to shove a Chidori up his ass.

"Now, what have we learned?" he asked, switching to lecture mode.

"BLAUGH!"

"Right," said Naruto, stepping around the vomit-puddle. "Attempts to escape the Loop never work."

"Hey guys, wait up!"

Naruto turned to look behind them—Sasuko was too busy discovering that sometime in the last few days, she had apparently eaten corn—to spot the advancing forms of Ino and Sakura. Judging by the confused look on Ino's face, she either wasn't aware of this Loop or not yet fully awake.

As they arrived, the duo looked at the hunched over female Uchiha. "Is she alright?" asked Ino. True, she did hate the overdeveloped Uchiha a little, but that much vomit surely wasn't healthy.

Sakura looked at Sasuke, their eyes locking for a second, before a perverted smile formed on the pinkette's face. "Someone up there loves me," Sakura said.

Ino thought she was referring to the Uchiha suffering.

The members of Team 7 knew the truth, leading Sasuko to stop vomiting at the thought of Lee wanting her to shivering at what Sakura would do to her cursed form in this Loop.

Naruto just started laughing his ass off.

* * *

Sasuko was laughing her ass off. The suffering she underwent as female—including the monthly 'visitor' no one had saw dire enough to warn her off—was so worth it just for the sight before her, as Team 7 plus friends made their way back to Konoha from Wave Country.

The good news: the trio had been able to convince Zabuza about Gato and his plans, thus saving everyone a lot of trouble and gathering some former Mist ninjas to work for Leaf for this Loop on the promise that in the end, the trio would destroy the current Mizukage.

It certainly helped to prove their point when Sakura, the supposed weakest of them, kicked Zabuza's ass … easily … with one finger … by flicking his own Water Clone at him.

The bad news: after a rousing speech on friendship, Haku was now glomping onto Naruto.

Haku was also apparently gender-switched in this world now, thus a female who Naruto knew very well was supposed to be male was grabbing onto his arm, pressing it into some very developed cleavage.

"Stop laughing, Teme!" shouted Naruto.

Sasuko just continued to laugh. "Don't worry, Dobe; I won't interfere in your budding relationship. I'm just happy you found someone who loves you."

"DIE!"

His attack might have worked—with Sasuko being distracted by the all-consuming hilarity of Naruto's situation—had not Haku simply tightened her grasp on him, nearly suffocating him.

He would have asked Sakura for help—but her help usually cost more than one was willing to pay.

Besides, the look in her eyes already told him: she was planning to 'help' him later on tonight anyway. _I swear, one of these Loops, I will remain a virgin!_

"Don't worry, Haku-chan," Sakura said with a smile—trying to appear innocent so as not to scare off her newest prey—"I'll help with getting you settled in when we get back. Why, I think the apartment next to Naruto is vacant. We can move you in there after we get everything settled."

"Thank you!" squealed the girl, completely oblivious to what was going on, as she squeezed her love interest more.

"Your team is weird, Kakashi," said Zabuza, as the two walked a safe distance behind the trio. Damn kids were scary—not that he'd ever admit it. And now Haku was acting odd. Perhaps the Demon Brothers were correct and he had mentally scarred the girl with his attempt at giving her an explanation about periods.

"Just ignore them," said Kakashi. His team was weird, he accepted that, and accepted the fact he would definitely be happier if he didn't involve himself with whatever insanity they were discussing.

Seeing the Naru boy running through the village in his underwear, screaming about needing bleach for his eyes was proof enough of that. Asuma was still pissed at him for convincing the boy to try and figure them out.

Naruto just sulked. "At least this won't get any worse," he sighed.

* * *

"You are **so** dead, Uchiha!" Naruto bellowed, screaming at said figure lounging in the tree.

"Mother really likes you," said a formerly male demon container, as she licked her lips.

Kankuro and Temari both took a step back from their youngest sister. Fights or boys, no one wanted to be drenched by blood from their insane sibling.

"You hear me, Uchiha!" yelled Naruto, unknowingly tempting the female Gaara to try and jump him as he unconsciously released the Kyuubi's chakra thanks to his rage. "I'll send Lee after you! Fuzzy-browed Uchiha babies!"

Sakura just released a perverted giggle, the image of Lee and Sasuko together … with her…

The sane Sand siblings took another step back, mentally questioning if they really wanted to be anywhere near this village, let alone invading it.

But hey, if their sister wanted to stay and pursue the blond brat, who were they to complain.

Sasuko just smiled as she pulled out a camera. Oh yes, this was so worth it, even if she had to fend off Lee's advances. "Could I get the happy couple to smile for a picture?"

"Damn you—GAH!" Naruto cried, as the red-headed jinchuuriki tackled him and began laying kisses upon his face.

* * *

**Loop #3:**

"No!" said Naruto.

"Come on!" whined Sakura.

"Do it, Dobe," said Sasuke.

"No way in hell, Teme!" shouted Naruto. "Not for you, not for her, not even for the damned Kyuubi if it meant we'd be free of this Loop."

"Oh, don't you dare fucking drag me into this," grumbled the miniature Kyuubi no Yoko. "This is a strictly human matter, no demon interest here."

"You share my memories and experiences, Yoko," growled Naruto.

The Kyuubi blinked for a moment, before drawing himself up to look as threatening as his small form allowed. "He said no!"

"Thank you," said Naruto. "I prefer to keep my sanity; heaven knows you assholes wouldn't let me keep my dignity."

Sasuke just snorted. "Right; tell me, who was it that bragged about defeating the Five Great Kages with his Sexy and Harem Jutsus?"

"That was a time of war!" bellowed Naruto. "And you're the dick that swore an Uchiha secret was that Madara was a total pervert, the greatest around!"

"I should feel insulted," said Sakura.

"Yes, Sakura, we all know you're the greatest pervert around," muttered Naruto.

"Should have made sure she stayed away from Jiraiya **and** Happosai," muttered Sasuke, shivering slightly as the memories came back to him of that particular Fused Loop.

"So you won't do this because you think it'll make you question your sanity?" asked Sakura.

"Oh come off it!" shouted Naruto, before his voice lowered. "Thanks to you, I've questioned my dignity, sexuality, species, gender, intelligence, and dreams!

"Leave my damned sanity alone!"

"But you weren't bored," said a smiling pink-haired shinobi.

"To be honest," interrupted Sasuke, "it's kind of hard to be bored when you, as Hokage, changed the male shinobi outfit to a thong and then sent us out on missions."

Naruto blushed at that memory. Who knew you could take out a Kumo nin using a Bijuu cloak by accidentally powering up, thus causing the frail and poorly made strings holding up your thong—he was sure Sakura had purchased them for that reason—to fly off and hit the Kumo kunoichi in the face.

"Let's not get into an argument here over who was the worst Hokage, Mr. 'Let's Make a Clan Restoration Act.' Your reign ended in days."

"But what a way to go," said the smiling Uchiha.

"Oh yeah, loads of fun," snorted Naruto. "You knew damned well I wanted to stay a virgin for that loop!"

"No one told you to publicly use Kage Bunshin to such a degree," waved off Sasuke. "Besides, you had options."

"Who the fuck do you think took the job after you died?" demanded Naruto, pointing at the waving kunoichi. "She pimped me out to other villages!"

"You say that like it was a bad thing," snorted Sakura. "And we did have peace."

"You mean you had peace!" growled Naruto. "Everyone got a piece of me! If that was the last loop, do you know what would have happened?"

"An entire generation of ramen obsessed children with bad tastes in color schemes?" smirked Sasuke.

Naruto's head fell. "That's it, I'm out."

"Just where do you think you're going, Dobe?" asked Sasuke. "We meet Kakashi in an hour."

"Fuck this, I'm going to be a mountain hermit this loop!" he yelled. "No women, no fangirls, nothing to distract me from peace and quiet."

"He's on that virgin kick again," sighed Sakura. "Really, I don't see what's so damned special about being a virgin. Sex is the path to world peace."

Naruto really wanted to make a comment that she could go fuck the world, but there was no reason to give her any ideas. "I just want a vacation; a nice quiet and sex-free vacation," he whined.

"It's not like we're asking you to be 'Naruko' again," said Sakura.

"You didn't ask the last time either!" yelled Naruto. "Or any time before that! I just woke up female and saw you smiling at me!"

"Yeah, we need to talk about that," glared Sasuke. "I didn't appreciate you gender-switching Lee and then sending her after my 'Fires of Youth'."

"Or filming it," said Naruto.

"… What?" asked Sasuke.

"Can we stay on topic for the moment?" said Sakura. _Mental note: learn how to erase memories._

"Fine," said Sasuke, before turning to his time-looped friend. "But it is your turn."

"I never agreed to this in the first place," declared Naruto. "Let alone taking turns.

"Besides, we all agreed the whole 'taking turns' thing was a failure after the whole 'keep Tsunade busy' fiasco."

"We learned a lot," said Sakura.

"Yeah," snorted Kyuubi. "We learned that the kit here can heal a broken neck and yes, they are real enough to do that to a neck."

"And you're better for it," said Sakura, recalling her own student/teacher relationships.

Sasuke just snorted. Well, that was one way he had appeased his ancestors. He'd never imagined he'd defeat the Senju clan … like that.

And Naruto was right: those things could snap a neck.

So could her thighs. Thank heaven for Kage Bunshins to take all the risk. Without it, he'd never touch the elderly woman, no matter how sexy she looked.

"I say slaughter them now, Kit," whispered the Kyuubi. "You can fake them for an entire loop. If you're quick, you can make it look like murder-suicide."

Naruto honestly gave it some consideration. It would be so quiet with them gone; loops never restarted until they all died, even if it was from Old Age. Just do a few missions, have them disappear and be labeled Missing Nin whenever they went out of the village…

"Sharingan trumps Kyuubi, remember?" said Sasuke.

"Says the snake handler," smirked the Fox.

"Better than the slug handler," Sasuke waved off.

"Ain't that the truth," said the slightly shivering blond and Yoko.

"You make it sound like Tsunade corrupted me," accused Sakura.

"Oh yeah, she corrupted you," snorted Naruto. "I'm sure she's the one who turned Hinata into a fox-girl."

"Actually, yeah," said Sakura. "They blackmailed her."

"They?" asked the males.

Sakura nodded. "Hanabi had to wait until she entered puberty before she could get changed."

"Oh for the love of…" muttered Naruto.

"I still say that the Byakugan is not the only Hyuuga bloodline," smirked Sasuke.

"Doesn't matter," said Naruto, glad Kitsune-Hyuuga had yet to make an appearance since. "I'm still not doing it! I'd rather seduce the male jinchuuriki! I'd rather ask ramen to be banned from the village! I'd rather be Madara's sex toy than do that!"

"I'll do it again!" chirped Sakura.

**"NO!"** shouted the guys.

"No one has to do it!" yelled Naruto. "We bury the idea, it never sees the light of day ever again!"

"What does it say that Sasuke and I were willing to do it, but you aren't?" accused Sakura.

"… That I'm not bat-shit insane?"

"Do it or I'll personally train every single one of your fangirls to pursue you," said Sakura.

"You've done that already."

"All at once in one loop."

Sasuke winced at that. That was pretty harsh.

"I'll even convert guys to chase you," she smiled.

"Okay, so you have a point about the bat-shit insane accusation," said Sasuke.

"Quiet my dear Uchiha," said the dangerously smiling female.

"Just do it, Dobe, before she actually tries to carry through with those ideas," he said, his eyes betraying a small amount of fear.

"I just don't see why any of us have to seduce Kakashi!" Naruto exclaimed. "Why can't I just seduce Anko again!"

"Anko was all talk," said Sakura. "Now Kakashi, oh there are some issues there."

"And the whole point of seducing him is…?" wondered Naruto.

Sasuke blinked. "Wait, come to think of it, why'd I do it?" he murmured, before turning to face the nervous kunoichi.

"She mind-fucked you," snorted the Kyuubi.

"Get her!" yelled Naruto. Hiding one body of a supposedly weak kunoichi couldn't be that hard.

* * *

When Kakashi entered the classroom finally, he was a bit shocked at what he saw.

The lone kunoichi was wearing … a fur that looked like a small Kyuubi, whipping two figures suspended from the ceiling who were dressed in small amounts of leather and tattered clothes.

"Call me Queen, you lowly maggots!" she bellowed, before snapping a whip and letting out a laugh that sent chills down Kakashi's back.

Slowly backing out, he closed the door and quickly made his way to the Hokage. Well … Anko always did want a team to train.

No way in hell was he getting near another girl like that. If he had known Rin was like that, he'd have stood aside and let Obito have her. _Lucky bastard; he got to die and I got stuck with her._

* * *

**Loop #4:**

He sat next to the two others assigned to his team, grumbling about fate. After all, he wasn't supposed to be here. This was Naruto's reality.

All he could think of was that someone must have **really, really, really** fucked up to do this to the Infinite Loop. And considering the fused Loop that had resulted from the Eva pilots trying to combine their Evangelions and ended up blowing their world apart; that had to be some accomplishment.

"What's your problem, Saotome?" asked Sasuke, directing a half-lidded stare at the dead-last.

And he didn't even get any cool power-ups that he might be able to take with him when he left this damned loop like the Sharingan. "Fuck off, emo," he grumbled, closing his eyes.

"Ranma!" cried the pink wonder. "Don't say such things to Sasuke-kun!"

Ranma ignored them, as he dove into his body, trying to figure out what he had with him so far. Sure, he knew the generality of things: Naruto pretty much taught the same way Ranma liked to learn: through experience. But he knew unless he had a damned Kyuubi no Yoko sealed in his gut to provide power when needed, this loop was going to be literally hell.

_Shouldn't there be a sewer in here?_ he wondered, as he found himself in a giant meadow. "Great, I got a giant happy meadow in my body," he grumbled. Sure, the Loops had pretty well killed his excessive need to be manly.

But a meadow!? "I see one cutsie animal, I'm bolting," he grumbled, moving about.

He did find a representation of Jusenkyo inside him, specifically one particular spring. He knew which one it was, because a very familiar redhead was soaking in it, smiling, and waving at him.

"I really need to see a shrink one of these days," he sighed heavily, "or at least study to be one." Like the last time the gathered members of the Loop had been together, a few were beginning to question their sanity after being in them so long. It was usually a topic started by those who frequented short loops, like him or the Eva people, loops that lasted barely a year before restarting.

Hell, he'd kill for a first day of college right now.

**"There you are, Ranma-domo."**

Ranma blinked at the voice, before slowly turning. _Didn't Naruto say the Yoko was always angry about something, like Akane during her 'special visitor'?_

Well, the good news what he found had nine tails.

The bad news was it wasn't anything close to a fox. "How fucking long have I been in these Loops?" he asked out loud, eyes wide as he saw the nine-tailed representation of the spirit of the Nekoken. He didn't even know cats could get nine-tails!

And since they apparently did, how long did it take them to acquire them?

* * *

"HE'S LATE!" yelled Sakura, startling Ranma from his internal world that thankfully only had one fuzzy animal, but that fuzzy animal could seriously kick ass, so that was cool.

But the next time he met Naruto, the two were going to have a serious talk about nine-tailed creatures.

"He's always late," yawned Ranma.

Sakura blinked. "Wait, you know our instructor?" she asked. "What; did you prank him or something?"

To be honest, Ranma was half tempted to set himself up to start pranking the hell out of Kakashi, if for nothing else than something new to do. "He's a local legend, so to speak, but he's the type who would be late to his own funeral, coming up with the lamest of excuses." Standing up, he made his way over to the blackboard, grabbing several erasers and chalk, before setting them up on the desk, standing up.

"What are you doing, Dobe?" asked Sasuke.

"Target practice," said Ranma, as he went to the other side of the classroom, turned to face the desk, and pointed his hands at the desk like they were guns.

The others stared in shock as the tip of his index finger began to glow, before it lashed out, crossing the room in the blink of an eye, and obliterating the eraser furthest on the left.

"Damn, too strong," he muttered. He had been trying to knock it over, not reduce it to a fine mist.

_Wonder who's in my reality?_

* * *

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" cried Naruto, as several dozen clones formed all around him.

"Leave me alone!" they cried, as they took off in multiple directions.

"Airen! Come back! We got on date! You promise Shampoo for ramen!"

"Naru-chan! Why are you running away from your cute fiancée?"

"OH HOHOHOHO! Yes, my Naruto-sama, let us dispense with these common fools and lose ourselves in a lovely chase of passion!"

"YOU PERVERT! GET BACK HERE!"

"Naruto! How dare you break Akane's heart? PREPARE TO DIE!"

"Uzumaki! How dare you steal from my darling Shampoo!"

"Foul knave, I shall smite thee and free Akane Tendo and the beautiful kitsune-girl from your demonic clutches!"

"Damn you, Ranma!" cried the Narutos. "Because of you; I'm stuck in Hell!"

* * *

Harry Potter looked up as the giant Angel lumbered into his sight. "Oh, fuck this," he spat, as he raised his wand, glad it followed him through the Loops, even if the Elder Wand didn't.

"Avada Kedavra!" he yelled, launching the Killing Curse at the Angel as Misato's car drove up. No way in hell did he want to hang around this world for too long.

* * *

On Hogwarts Express, Shinji Ikari was trying to explain the reality of the Infinite Loop to two sets of twins before him.

"Wow," said one of the male twins, a box of donuts on his lap, "who knew magic like that existed."

"… You are truly insane, Vash," sneered his twin.

Shinji sighed, wishing he had read more manga or watched more television. Maybe then he'd know where these new people came from.

His internal self-loathing was cut off as one of the twin girls sat next to him, smiling. "Um … yes?"

"Would you like to be my new chevalier?"

"Diva!" yelled the other girl.

Man, he **really** wished he had done that. _Did their eyes just go red?_

* * *

Knocking down the finally target, Ranma turned towards the door, wondering if using his chi attack would be the best way to welcome their tardy instructor. All things considered, the world wasn't all that bad. He might even … get to see Age Eighteen!

"Hello," said the voice of their instructor as he opened the door. "My first impression of you is—"

"Möko Takabisha!"

Kakashi's one visible eye widened in shock before the ball of energy slammed into him.

"Man, that felt good," said Ranma, before he walked over to the now unconscious Sensei of Team 7. "Man, I thought a jounin woulda been able to dodge that," he said, poking the man.

His teammates stared in shock. "Wha?" they started to ask together.

"You-you attacked out teacher!" yelled Sakura.

Ranma just smiled. _You know, I think I'm going to like it here!_

* * *

**Loop #5:**

Another day, another loop…

Well, not another day—the last loop lasted twelve years until a reconstituted Akatsuki finally took him out.

Well, not in the 'Bijuu into the statue' way but more of an 'explosive vaporizing him and everything within a square acre' kind of way.

Sucked to be that operative for however long that timeline lasted before the reset. Akatsuki—especially paranoid Uchihas with power cravings—didn't like the last Bijuu they needed being destroyed inside its Jinchuuriki.

But now he was back here … again, to get his team assignment … again, to go through all of that … again!

Damn, he needed a vacation!

It wasn't like he could just disappear; it was one of those things that restarted the loop. He died? Restart.

He quit being a ninja? Restart.

He failed the Bell Test? Restart.

One of his teammates got killed before they became jounin—by enemy nin or himself? Restart.

He defected to another village? Restart.

He killed someone from the other Rookie Nine? Restart.

He did anything at the wrong time? Fucking restart!

He'd lost count of the number of times he'd slaughtered everyone, became Hokage, married, had children, died, 'cropped' the bad eggs in the village, took a genin team… He'd done just about everything.

Everything but reach the end.

But there was no end, only a loop, a fucking damned loop that never ended. Oh sure, the restart point would vary, but the ends were all the same: he ended up right back at the beginning.

He had tried, tried everything he could think of to find a way to bring others back with him, to have some company … to have a new set of circumstances. Ino's family techniques didn't work; blood and gene transfers didn't work… He'd done things that would have turned Orochimaru's stomach to no avail.

One could hardly maintain sanity when existence started to become pain.

Wanna see the Kyuubi no Yoko with Sasuke-broodiness and Shikamaru-listlessness? He'd seen that. He'd been the Kyuubi, freed the Kyuubi, partnered with the Kyuubi…

He'd summoned Shinigami, been sealed and consumed, and yet he kept going.

He'd mastered Arts too evil and too pure for many and still continued on.

Basically, he was living in Hell, a Hell where the only salvation was escape, and it would never come.

Resting his head on the table, he closed his eyes. Suicide never worked, plus he had no intentions of going through a single-day loop if he could bring it off. That would be much worse than what he endured now. The distance between Point A and Point B was all he really had.

All he wanted … was just one damned hope, one path to open up that maybe escape could be coming, or at the very least, a hope that there would be some changes.

"You ask for a lot, don't you?"

Blinking, he looked up. Before him, sitting on the Iruka's desk, was a tanned beauty with platinum blond hair, a revealing purple outfit, and several blue marks on her face and forehead. Looking to his side, he saw his teammates … frozen in place.

"I figured you wanted some privacy," smirked the female.

"Well … this is new," Naruto muttered, wondering if this fell under the guise of 'be careful what you wish for'.

"Focus, cutie," said the woman, snapping her fingers. "I got only a few minutes before that spell ends and you're stuck in this Loop for the duration. So no questions until I finish, got it?"

He nodded quickly.

"My name is Urd, Goddess of the Past and Yggdrasil System Administrator and Manager. I'm here to give you a quick bit of info and will try to do so every time this Loop begins. But don't take it as a given and go kill yourself, we need time between each Loop to reestablish contact, so we'll need some time.

"Now, you're not the only one suffering. The System got attacked from an entity around the tenth dimension. As such, dozens of universes are stuck in a loop, key players on the planet stuck in the center as an anchor keeping them viable, going through the same issues you are, and we're contacting them as quickly as possible. But it took us this long just to try and get the System rigged enough for this.

"The point is we'll be sending what help we can while trying to fix this. We'll let you know if we fix it, but several issues will pop up. We can't even be certain we can keep the universes separate much longer. And in the current flux, we can't predict when, if, or how it will happen, let alone if they will separate or stay fused. In that case, escape will leave you in a world that is at best a partial copy of your own. We can't even tell if it has already happened or when, just that the possibility exists that it might.

"Also, don't think Kami-sama is going to hold your old evil actions against you. Mortal minds are pretty fragile, and the fact you're not a gibbering mess at the moment speaks highly of you.

"But … if you see a woman who looks like me with red facial tattoos … be careful. Mom runs Hell."

Naruto gulped at that. "Good to know."

"Right then," continued Urd. "Hopefully soon, we can figure a way to include more people with you in these loops. We're hoping the more people, the more stable the universes will become, perhaps even help keep them from fusing permanently. Nod if you understand."

Naruto nodded eagerly. It was happening! It was new!

It might mean … freedom! Sure, he might end up in Hell and made a strong mental note to never hit on tanned females with red marks for the rest of his miserable life, but he had a chance now.

Urd smiled as she checked her watch. "Well, I have to go now, cutie. I have to inform a certain pigtailed martial artist the same story and make sure my youngest sister didn't kill some boy with green eyes she was supposed to inform. I've heard he's gotten pretty good at using profanities.

"Hope to see you soon with good news," she waved, fading from sight.

Naruto just continued to smile as time resumed. His joyful mood shift was missed by the others—Sasuke focusing on the board in his own emo way and Sakura focusing on Sasuke in her 'pet bunny in the pot' sort of way.

He had a chance, he wasn't alone, he might not be alone much longer in these loops—maybe he'd even get to choose.

And soon … the loop would be done.

Smiling still, he turned to the chalkboard. Spotting the eraser, he stood up. At the moment, he felt like … resuming an old tradition.

* * *

**Loop #6:**

"I blame this all on you."

Naruto snorted. "Oh, sure Mr. 'I'm leaving the village to gain power', blame everything on me."

"You were the one to cause all of this," said Sasuke.

"Give me one example."

"Bondage Queen Hinata?"

"Um…"

"Bondage Queen Sakura, Bondage Queen Temari, I don't even know how you created Bondage Queen Haku since he's supposed to be a guy."

"Don't ask," quickly waved off Naruto. "And I meant a non-sexual example!"

"Your troubles all extend from the damned sexual," growled Sasuke.

"Oh like you never went gigolo during a loop."

Sasuke snorted. "I don't go around starting harems every loop."

"I don't start them!" denied Naruto. "They just … sort of happen, not my fault in the slightest. Besides, see, you can't name one non-sexual reason this is my fault!"

"I blame the brain currently doing all of your thinking."

"Can you guys stop your bitching?" growled out Sakura. "Besides, Sasuke's right, this is all your fault, Naruto."

"I didn't come up with the bright idea!" yelled Naruto. "Blame Shikamaru and yourself. I certainly didn't come up with the idea of mastering the Five Basic Chakra Elements and combining them into a massive Rasen-Shuriken to take out the Akatsuki statue and end the time loops."

"Man Naruto, you are being so troublesome right now," said the jounin in question. "I told you it was a best guess and it was up to you whether or not we did it."

"Excuse me."

Blinking, the group of teenagers once known as the Rookie Nine and Team Gai slowly turned, spotting their former Academy instructor looking at them in confusion. "Yeah?" asked Ino.

"Is this a trick of Naruto's?" Iruka asked.

"Hey! I didn't do this! Don't blame it on me, dattebayo!"

Blinking once more, the group turned, spotting their younger selves—minus Team Gai—currently sitting in the desks before them.

"Okay," said the elder Naruto, "don't you fucking dare blame this on me!"

"… You cracked the Time Loops and created a paradox, Naruto," said the elder Shikamaru.

"Oh sure, destroy the universe and it's all the Kyuubi container's fault!" yelled the Elder Naruto. "Why is it always my fault? Why can't it be Teme's fault?"

"… Because I'm not stupid enough to follow an idea Shikamaru thought up of while drunk on vodka?" replied the elder Uchiha.

"Come on, help me out here Hinata!" Naruto begged. "Hinata?"

"She's trying to set her new mini-me up with your younger self," replied Ino with a smirk.

"And see," said the Elder Hinata to her younger self, making sure the young Hinata was focused on the two Narutos, "he may be a little weird, but he'll grow up to be a very … lasting man."

"T-t-t-two Naruto-k-k-kuns!" she squeaked, her face turning red. It somehow managed to grow redder as the elder Hinata whispered something into her ears, before blood sprayed forth from her nose and she passed out.

"Hey!" cried the younger Ino. "Tell us which one of us ended up with Sasuke-kun! It was me, wasn't it?"

"Like hell, Ino-pig!" bellowed Sakura. "Sasuke-kun is mine!"

"Forehead Girl!"

"Ino-pig!"

"Oh just kiss already!" snorted the Elder Naruto, causing the younger girls to nearly faint in shock.

"One damned time," muttered Sakura. "I was drunk, Naruto!"

"Oh sure, blame alcohol and me, you're like a broken record, Sakura."

"Excuse me," said Neji, "but has anyone noticed that the Sand Siblings are not with us, despite the fact we were all together when Naruto essentially doomed the universe to a slow death."

"Yosh!" cried Lee. "We must find them, for it is very unyouthful to abandon our friends."

"They probably landed in Hidden Sand," said Tenten. "I think we should be more worried about the ANBU that just showed up. I don't feel like hearing Ibiki torture us with his bad renditions of opera."

* * *

"Mother desires your blood," said the younger Gaara, as Team Baki was currently inside the Kazekage's office for a mission, as well as their older counterparts.

"Shukaku can kiss my ass," said the elder Gaara, still in his Kazekage robes, as he withdrew a small orange booklet. "Now be quiet; I'm reading."

"Again with the Icha Icha," muttered the elder Kankuro.

"At least I don't spend all my time with puppets," replied the elder Gaara. "Would the non-virgins in the room raise your hands?" he asked, his free hand rising up.

"I've had sex!" bellowed the elder Kankuro.

Both Temaris snorted at that.

The younger Gaara simply stared at his elder counterpart, eyes nearly shining in madness.

"Fine," said the elder Gaara, as he reached into his robes, withdrew another Icha Icha book, and tossed it to his younger self. "Read that and stop muttering about that idiot Bijuu. It's bad enough I have to listen to him complain inside me, I don't need to hear it in stereo."

"Stop corrupting your younger self!" yelled Temari.

"I'm the Fifth Kazekage, you can't make me," said the Elder Gaara, smiling slightly as his younger self opened the book, the psychotic gaze soon giving way to a blush that was viewable even past the Sand Armor.

"What the hell is going on here?" demanded the Fourth Kazekage.

"Family time," said the elder Gaara. "Now be quiet, this is supposed to be the good part."

* * *

**Loop #7:**

"Okay," said Kakashi, as he pointed to the silent Kyuubi container. "You first."

"My name ... in Naruto Uzumaki," said the genin quietly, as his breath seemed to freeze outside of his mouth. "And ... I see dead people. They're everywhere."

"... Riiiiiight," sighed Kakashi. Why did he always get the odd ones?

"And someone named Obito says your excuses are too lame to be linked to him anymore," said Naruto, shocking the man.

* * *

**Loop #4B:**

"My first impression of you is … that I really, **really** hate you all," muttered Kakashi from his hospital bed, glaring at the newly minted Genin who had caught him with an attack just as he entered the classroom. "Especially you," said Kakashi, glaring at the pigtailed demon container.

Ranma waved it off, even as his teammates stared at him. "You should've been on-time then," Ranma said. "You didn't show up, so how were we to know you weren't some fake sent to kill me … or maybe the emo here. I don't think Sakura's annoyed anyone enough for them to want her dead yet."

Ranma just kept smirking. This Loop was going to be ever so much fun. He just hoped the others enjoyed their new worlds as much as him.

* * *

Naruto glared straight ahead as he made his way towards the Tendo Dojo. "Damned Saotome," he muttered, making his way with a slight limp. "He'll pay for this."

Four psychos after him that were female, three that were male, two insane fathers, and a principal that needed a Rasenshuriken right in the face.

"I don't know how or why, but this has to be his fault," muttered Naruto. How else could he have ended up alone in Ranma's universe? None of the people who were 'awake' with Ranma in his Loops were 'awake'. No, he was simply Naruto Uzumaki, son of Genma Uzumaki, engaged to two girls, wedded to a third by tribal customs, and trying desperately to ensure he wasn't engaged to a fourth.

But knowing Ranma's old man, it would take a battalion of Kage Bunshins to keep that from happening.

Right now, he just wanted to get to the Dojo, have a nice soak, a good meal—Kasumi's food was almost as good as Ichiraku's ramen—and finally some sleep. Right now, he felt as if he had just gone up against Akatsuki.

And it was only Thursday! He shuddered when he thought of what these people might be like on a weekend. It was at times like dealing with evil Fuzzy-brows.

**SPLASH!**

"Oh, sorry there, dearie," sighed a woman with a ladle. "I was cleaning the sidewalks and didn't see you there."

"No problem," muttered Naruto, feeling two new weights on 'her' chest.

"Saotome, if I end up keeping this curse when I get home … I will let Kyuubi permanently 'un-man' you," the neo-girl groused as she stumbled off towards the Dojo. This night just couldn't get any worse.

"Kitsune-girl!"

"Damn it," she muttered, right before the insane kendo-Kuno ran towards her. _You know, in a way, this explains so much about why Saotome is the way he is._

* * *

Ranma tried to refrain from smirking as his kick caught the Jounin unaware, sending Kakashi across the ground, the book into the air where Ranma caught it. To be honest, he could care less about the stupid bells.

The book however was something he had heard a lot about but never got to read. Just because he looked like a kid when he was in these worlds with Naruto, people wouldn't sell him squat.

He barely had time to grab the book before his danger sense flared, making him dodge back. _Don't tell me the emo got upset I'm better than him._

"You're good, brat," smirked Anko with a smile as he avoided her kunai. "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Anko Mitarashi; freshly assigned by the Hokage to assist Team 7," she finished with a smile.

Blinking, Ranma turned to face the chuckling Kakashi, who was now revealing his Sharingan.

"I figured I needed some … help with students such as you," he explained.

Ranma just sighed. Why did he always get the crazy teachers? Why was it always Anko?

And why was he standing still when he knew she had at least three snakes trying to sneak up on him? Jumping backwards, he avoided her sneak attack, but was forced to dodge a thrown kunai from Kakashi. "Come on, teach!" yelled Ranma. "You still ain't sore I kicked your ass yesterday, are ya?"

The sound of a thousand birds chirping that reached his ears told Ranma that Kakashi just _might_ still be upset.

* * *

"Um … Sasuke-kun," muttered Sakura, "is Kakashi-sensei trying to kill Ranma?"

Sasuke slowly nodded. _Well … at least this will help me become stronger,_ he thought, watching the trio's battle escalate. Although the kunoichi's creepy smile that kept growing as the battle continued was a little bit disturbing. Really, who got this excited from a good fight?

* * *

"Achoo!"

"Bless you, Orochimaru-sama."

* * *

**Loop #6B:**

Naruto stared at the filled shot glass before him. "Is it wrong to want to beat the shit out of your younger self?"

"Seems pretty common to me," mumbled Sasuke, not having the benefits of Naruto's Kyuubi-enhanced metabolism. "All I hear is 'I need to be stronger', 'I need to avenge my family', and 'please tell me I'm not going to father pink-haired Uchihas'. All he does is bitch, moan, and emo."

"How'd we survive the first time through?" Naruto asked.

"Damn lucky," muttered Sasuke. "Helps to be lucky," he murmured, as he slammed back another shot of hard liquor. "He asks me for one more damned thing, I'm going to Tsukuyomi his ass with memories from Orochimaru's more questionable teaching methods," he spoke, giving a sick grin. Oh yes, that would teach the little revenge-obsessed fucker.

"Well, at least you've only got one Sasuke," muttered Naruto. "Kage Bunshin, remember? No sooner than I taught him that they can be used in training other than taijutsu, he created hundreds to bug me for techniques." Haunted eyes stared forward as Naruto's glass was refilled. "Every damned moment, he keeps coming back for another technique, and then sends a few dozen shadow clones to go do it, then asks for more."

"Teach him to go Kyuubi," growled Sasuke. "Pound his ass in Sage-mode for all I care."

"It gets worse," mumbled Naruto. "Hinata … she's teaching her younger self."

"… Sucks to be you," smirked Sasuke, before he passed out at the bar.

Naruto glared at his friend, before a devilish smile formed on his face. Creating four clones, he looked at them taking away the elder time-traveled Uchiha. _Hope little emo-chan likes having an older sister…_ "Make light of my problems, asshole," he murmured as his clones took the Uchiha away for some 'surgery'.

"So you're the stud that elder Hyuuga girl is foaming at the mouth about."

Cringing slightly, Naruto turned back to Sasuke's former seat, spying the form of another former Snake-Sannin student taking his place. "Hey, Anko," he said blandly. "No offense, but what're you doing here? Ain't no dango in this place."

"Old Man asked me to watch you," she smirked.

"And I assume Hinata asked something as well." It was his own fault, he realized, that his main love interest was a nympho. He probably should have warned his younger analog … but maybe it would tire the brat out and get him some alone time.

A perverse smile formed on the Snake Kunoichi's lips, making the blond shudder, and motion for the bartender to leave the bottle. Maybe he could get drunk enough to pass out before she—

"Check please!" smirked Anko.

"… Damn."

* * *

"You corrupted your younger self," muttered Temari, glaring at the duo of Jinchuuriki reading familiar orange books.

"I gave him direction," said Gaara, as he and his younger analog both turned the page at the same time.

Looking closely, Temari was able to make out the Daisan no Me both were using, though the fact that the eye resembled Shukaku's more than a human one was something new. _Damn perverted tanuki…_

"Where is Kankuro?" asked elder-Gaara.

"Talking with our younger brother about puppets," she spat. "We need to get him a girlfriend."

"Perhaps an inflatable one," murmured the younger Gaara, a smile on his face that even if meant to be humorous, still frightened Temari.

"Shouldn't you be with your analog?" asked Gaara.

Temari shrugged. "She got some emergency message."

"And that doesn't worry you?"

"Why should it?" asked Temari.

"Two things," said the Fifth Kazekage. "The first is we never got any emergency messages during this time. If we do now, they would be addressed to our future selves, namely us."

The blond blushed at that. She had assumed that whatever the message was just hadn't been important enough for her to remember, perhaps something she never got in the first place. "And two?"

"One word," said Gaara. "Hinata."

"… Shit!"

"She runs very quickly," mumbled the younger Gaara.

"Not quick enough," said the elder Gaara, chuckling darkly.

* * *

**Loop #8: (Warning: slight lemony content)**

"Do you know why you two are here?" asked Sarutobi, trying to hide his smirk. Today was the day the two before him were to be assigned to their teams to see if they would move on to become full genin and not sent back to the Academy.

"Is it because I covered my seal with some flesh-toned paint and ran through the village screaming Kyuubi was free, while a henged clone of a mini-Kyuubi followed behind me, demanding the flesh of the Fire Lord's cat as a lining for his basket?" asked Naruto.

The Hokage blinked. "I hadn't heard of that one," he muttered.

"Jiji, you really need to use shadow clones to catch up on your paperwork," admonished Naruto. "Man, when I take your job, you can bet I'll never have trouble with paperwork."

"Be that as it may, Naruto," said Sarutobi, mentally admonishing himself for not having used that idea before. Sure, he wasn't as strong as he was before, but looking back, it seemed obvious now that he could have cut his paperwork even by two-thirds with that technique. "It is not why you two are here."

"Is it because I changed all the toilet paper in the ANBU offices to exploding tags?" asked Naruto.

"WHAT?" screamed said ANBU behind him, as several darted away to stop their fellow ninjas from dying in a horrible—yet very damn funny now that they thought about it—way.

"No Naruto," sighed Sarutobi. Oh, he was going to have to hope Naruto passed Kakashi's test, otherwise he'd never be able to find enough ninjas to guard Naruto to keep everyone from killing the young kid.

"Is it because we were having loud and enjoyable sex in a broom closet at the Academy?" asked the smirking Hinata.

Hiashi's growl was mostly ignored.

"Yes, that would be it," Sarutobi said. "In case you're wondering, the teacher who … discovered … you will be out of Medical in a week."

"I was close, damn it," grumbled Hinata. "It wouldn't have killed him to wait one more damned minute."

"You broke his right leg, dislocated his knee, busted three of his ribs, and stuffed a broom handle up his rectum."

"Hey," Hinata said, "I warned him to go away, but nooooooo; he had to be a responsible adult."

Sarutobi made a mental note to always schedule appointments with the Hyuuga heiress from now on.

"In my defense, Jiji," said Naruto, "I didn't want to go in there, but the only other option she gave me was in the classroom, and I really didn't want Sasuke watching that." He paused a bit, looking around, before leaning closer to the Hokage's desk. "I heard Dojutsu users are perverts."

"Excuse me?" growled out Hiashi.

"Oh, don't act like it isn't true," sighed Hinata, as she checked her nails. "Who do you think told him that?"

"Can we get back to the issue at hand?" asked Sarutobi.

"Fine," sneered Hiashi. "This foul child has sullied my daughter's reputation as well as that of the entire Hyuuga clan."

"Oh sure," snorted Naruto, "blame the Kyuubi container. It ain't like Hinata doesn't have free will of her own. I mean, I'm sure once you get over the fact you called her useless, she might side with you on that."

"Not likely," sighed Hinata. "So; we done or what? Mama needs her little fox to come out and play."

"I'm not little!" yelled Naruto. "And I told you, cold does that to a guy's stuff. I didn't ask to be put right by an air conditioning vent."

"Enough of this foolishness!" demanded Hiashi. "Hinata, we will discuss your punishment for such loose activities when we return home."

"I'm not loose," growled Hinata. "I'll have you know I do Kegel exercises every day."

"… THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" yelled Hiashi.

"Not our fault you often fail to convey the proper meaning of your desires due to poor pontification," said Naruto. "Besides, every guy knows when your girl says she wants something; you damned well better do it if you don't want to suffer."

"I trained him well," said a smiling Hinata, pinching the embarrassed boy's cheeks. "Mother would be so proud. Now, if I can only do something with that hair."

"Not touching the hair," said Naruto.

"Oh, so cute," she said with a smile. "He acts like he has a choice in the matter."

"Jiji, are all women like this?" asked Naruto.

"You'll learn," said Sarutobi. "But I am going to have to punish the two of you for your actions today."

"That's right," said Hinata. "Naruto will be punished for failing to satisfy me as I demanded."

"What?" bellowed the blond. "I did too satisfy you! I was there, I counted the orgasms!"

Hinata just ignored him, tapping her chin. "We'll do … Exercise 13-8b!"

Sighing, Naruto reached into his pocket, pulling out a small book that to Sarutobi's amazement was titled 'Hinata's Bedroom Desires'. Opening the book, the boy kept muttering what Hinata had said, as he came to a final stop when he had located the item in question, before paling. "I don't think I can bend that way."

"Well it is a good thing you know Kage Bunshin then," said a smiling Hinata.

"Enough of this foolishness!" demanded Hiashi, seeing red. "That book will be destroyed, you will be punished for tempting my daughter, and Hinata shall be drastically punished when we return home. You two will never see each other again, am I clear?"

Hinata slowly turned towards her father, eyes cold. "Is Hinata Hyuuga gonna have to choke a bitch?" she asked, slowly standing. "I try to be nice, I try to be kind, but you go and try and pull some weak ass shit like this."

"Now Hinata, you will listen to me or you will face—YOWCH!"

Sarutobi, Naruto, a few remaining ANBU, and the escort of Branch Hyuuga family members watched as the Hyuuga Heiress proceeded to beat the shit out of her own father, a high-ranking ninja, even going so far as to neutralize his Gentle Fist before extracting more pain.

Needless to say, the Hokage was going to need a new crystal ball. Even if they could … extract that one from when Hinata had shoved it, there was no way in hell he was going to touch it again.

"'Gee Naruto, why don't you just say no?' you might be asking," muttered Naruto, glad that in this loop, the right people would know why you never…ever…ever said no to Hinata or got between her and what she wanted. "And now you see."

Panting heavily as she stood over her beaten and bloody father, Hinata turned to face Naruto. "You, me, on top of your father's mountain carving … NOW!"

Head dropping immediately, Naruto stood up. "I gotta go, Jiji. You might wanna make sure no one goes near my Old Man's face for a few hours, no matter what they hear. She's not in a good mood."

"You know?" asked Sarutobi, shocked that Naruto had learned of his lineage.

Naruto just waved it off as he was grabbed by the crazed Hyuuga female. "Later; I don't wanna get a new demand. Keeping her waiting ain't good for anyone's health, especially mine. You try finding a medic nin who not only will correctly help me, but will help fixing a raw dick."

* * *

"My first impression of you is… Shouldn't there be three of you?" asked Kakashi, as he entered the classroom to pick up his team. "And why is Sasuke staring at the Hokage Monument … and drooling?"

* * *

**Loop #9: (Warning: possible lemony content)**

_This is going to be one of those loops,_ internally grumbled Naruto, as he sat on the roof of the Academy, waiting for his Team Leader.

His first clue was the classroom for those getting team assignments. Sure, a few people he knew were missing, but a hell of a lot more students were there, some he was very familiar with thanks to the Infinite Loop and the occasional FUBAR loop.

He shuddered at the image of Misato Katsuragi being a Jounin Sensei to a team of the former Evangelion pilots. But hey, better them than him.

His next clue was when he saw his new teammates. The brooding one was far from being Sasuke—despite the fact he made the Uchiha's brooding look completely amateurish. And the pink-haired one was certainly not Sakura—the small bumps on her chest put her far ahead of the development curve than the pink-haired fangirl.

And finally was the third incident: when a small talking catgirl poofed into the classroom, and explained that their teacher would meet them on the roof in five minutes. Said catgirl poofed away in fear after the pink-haired girl tackled it, cuddled it to her chest, cooing about how cute it was.

And now as their Sensei entered the area, his mind did two things.

First, he cursed himself for missing the obvious clue about the catgirl. After all, who else had such an affinity for cats that they could summon them?

And two: "Fuck me," he grumbled palming his face.

"Yo," said the man. "I'm your Jounin Sensei, Ranma Saotome," said the young man, smiling. After all, it wasn't often he got to be a full-fledged adult in a loop. "I'll be training you all to survive this world and eventually end up jounins yourselves and getting three little impressionable youths of your own to mentally scar."

The brooding boy chuckled darkly. "Oh, I like you," he said, barely peeking his red eyes from under his fedora hat.

"A little personal history," said Ranma, ignoring the creepy looks the boy was directing at him. "Apparently, I've been a ninja since five, jounin since eight, and bouncing between ANBU and S-class missions since then until now. I have a bloodline curse that activates with cold water changing me into a female gender, mastered the fighting styles of over a dozen cat-clan summons, tamed a Raiju, and despite the rumors, I am not the secret sex kitten of the Senju heir, Tsunade."

"Apparently?" asked the pink-haired girl.

Ranma just shrugged. "You know us ninjas, we never fully tell everything." Actually, he hadn't finished reading his own file yet, so he was still a little iffy on the details of his life in this Loop.

Naruto blinked at the mentioning of Tsunade. "Bullshit," he said. He recalled how the old bat acted both in a younger form and in those rare loops she was together with Saotome.

"I know," shrugged Ranma. "Baseless rumors that I have no desire to investigate or discuss." That was mainly due to the fact he was pretty sure who started them and most certainly didn't want to find out if the Tsunade in this Loop felt anything on the issue.

He liked his pelvis whole and not cracked, thank you.

"Aren't you also the last Uchiha?" asked the pink-haired girl, who now that Naruto was observing a bit closer, seemed to have a floating black ball shaped like a cat's head hovering over her.

Then what she said registered. Ranma? An Uchiha? Oh, that couldn't end well.

Ranma just waved it off. "Yeah, yeah; grandfather was an Uchiha, I developed the Sharingan, not that important," he said, before he began muttering about 'obsessed mothers' and 'stupid clan restoration acts'. "I'm a Saotome, not an Uchiha, and I'm not wearing some stupid fan on my clothes.

"Anyway, tell me a bit about yourselves, so we can begin the long, painful, and disturbing practice of forming a cohesive team. Start with likes, dislikes, and goals."

Naruto sighed as he leaned back in his chair. True, as old as they were, something like the Sharingan was somewhat redundant to them. Their minds were smart enough, their senses attuned enough to replicate the feat just as easily. The fact that Ranma waved it off was really worrying, the fact he was supposed to be the last was really scary, as it made him wonder if there was an 'Itachi' and 'Madara' on this loop as well.

"My name is Alucard," said the creepy brooding boy with an equally creepy smile. "I am from the Dracul clan, of which I know of a few members who can't wait to meet you once again, Sensei," said the smirking boy, finally eliciting a shiver from Ranma, and making Naruto question just what facts the man had uncovered about his supposed life in this Loop. "I like blood and battle, I dislike the Chiropteran Clan and weak fools who can't die bravely. My goal … is to lead an interesting life," he said with a flourish, as he withdrew a large handgun and ran his … elongated fangs over the barrel.

Taking a deep breath to steel himself—and praying once again he never encountered the situations the version of him that existed before in this loop, he turned towards the girl. "Your turn."

"My name is Usa Chiba," said the pink-haired girl. "And this is my friend Luna-P."

**"Meow,"** came the synthesized reply from the floating cat's head.

"I like Sensei because he reminds me of my Father," she continued, not noticing as both looped males shivered, "my aunts, my best friend Hotaru-chan, and all those who fight for Love and Justice. I hate being called spore by Lina-pig," she continued, not noticing the looks of outright terror on the looped males' face at the mention of any girl named 'Lina'. "I also hate people who try to hurt the innocent. My goal is to become a great ninja that helps spread Love and Justice, just like my Mama.

"Oh, by the way, Sensei; Mama wanted you to come by later today if I saw you. She said you'd know what it was about."

Naruto did take some satisfaction that so far, it was Ranma that had people obsessed with him in this FUBAR loop. It was a miracle!

Now, if he could just avoid the lolis.

"Okay, you're turn," said Ranma, trying to keep his embarrassment from becoming too evident.

"Your blood smells delectable from here, Sensei," said Alucard, his tongue hanging out. "Might I have a pint or two, preferably from the tap?"

"You stay away from Ranma-Sensei!" bellowed Usa, as she stood up.

"Oh?" asked Alucard.

"Hunky guys are not for having their fluids sucked out!" she loudly proclaimed, before blushing. "Well, not those fluids anyway."

"Ah, pretending to be so innocent," chuckled Alucard. "Perhaps you want to ask Sensei for some fluids as well?"

"H-How dare you?" she yelled. "In the name of Love and Justice, I shall punish you!"

"Bring it on, little girl," smirked Alucard, as he pointed his large pistol at the girl.

"Luna-P; BFG 9000!"

The floating cat head bounced once before changing into a large weapon, which Usa immediately pointed at her teammate. "Bring it on, blood sucker!"

Ranma and Naruto immediately used a Shunshin no Jutsu to get away from the brawl.

* * *

As the explosions continued, Naruto sighed. "My team sucks."

Ranma just nodded. "A crazy magic girl and a greater vampire… I think I have more to complain about that someone thought this team makeup was a good idea."

Nodding, Naruto turned around. "Well, is it safe to get some ramen in this world?"

"I think so," muttered Ranma, clasping the boy on his shoulder.

"Good, you can pay Mr. 'Last of the Uchiha'," smirked Naruto.

"Just wait, brat," growled Ranma. "If I can let slip your parentage, how long do you think it'll be before you have to suffer a Clan Restoration Act like me?"

"What the hell is that, anyway?" asked Naruto.

"A pervert's dream."

* * *

"Achoo!"

"Here you go, Jiraiya," said Nodoka, as she handed the man a Kleenex. "So, do you think we can press this through for my manly son and your godson? I've heard he's got one stalker interested lady already."

"Well, Minato would be proud if I can get this passed," he muttered. True, Kushina would geld him like an Inuzuka dog that couldn't stop humping the table.

But she was dead and surely she'd want many, many grandchildren. "Sarutobi-Sensei does owe me some favors… And I do have all that juicy dirt on the clan heads on the Council… We have a deal."

* * *

"Did death just cross our path?" asked Naruto shivering.

Ranma shuddered as well. "Let's forget ramen then," he muttered. "Maybe a nice lunch…"

**BOOM!**

"WAH! MY DAUGHTER IS DESTROYING THE VILLAGE!"

"ALUCARD, QUIT THIS USELESS FIGHTING! … AND DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME MAMA!"

"… on the other side of Konoha?" offered Ranma.

"I hear Suna is wonderful this time of year," offered Naruto.


	10. New Intros 4

**New Intros 4**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

This group is based on a Groundhog's Day concept, if time was looping, and certain members were aware of this.

These are their insanities.

* * *

**New Loop #1:**

Ranma smirked as the Hollow broke apart. "Feh, this ain't too hard."

"Damn it, Saotome!" cried an orange-robed Shinigami, as he ran towards the pigtailed man. "That was mine; I called it!"

"Ya snooze, you lose, Naruto," smirked Ranma. "Ain't my fault you can't pick up the subtleties between reishi and chakra. So that makes it fifty kills for me and … two for you. You owe me dinner."

"I woulda won if I could use Kage Bunshin," grumbled Naruto.

As the duo set off across the fields outside of Soul Society, the silence let them know the other battles were over, the Hollow Invasion was finished … for now.

"This Loop is really confusing," muttered Naruto.

"_Bleach_ is at the best of times," replied Ranma.

"You know this universe."

Nodding, Ranma started to explain the story of Bleach to the eternal ninja, zanpakuto, reishi, Hollows, Arrancar, Vizards, Quincy, Bount, and so forth, taking the time the group needed to meet up with the larger force, some of who resembled ninjas.

"Wow," said Naruto in awe. "So … how long do you think we'll be in this Loop?"

"No idea," said Ranma. "Initially, everything takes place in a year, but then they do this retcon into the past about a hundred and ten years into the past."

"Damn," said Naruto, eyes even wider. "So … this is going to be one long-ass Loop."

The pigtailed Soul Reaper just shrugged. "No clue, depends on how far into the past we are."

"And how'll we know that?"

Ranma opened his mouth to respond, but stop, leg lancing out to his side.

Naruto thought they might be under attack again, but a form burst into existence, meeting the leg, revealing a woman wearing what his memories told him was a Captain's robe.

"Still got it, eh, Ran-chan?" purred Yoruichi, her eyes once again filled with mischief.

Ranma could only stare in shock at what he was seeing, now having both a pretty good idea when they were in the Loop, as well as trying not to cry as more memories of the life of his Shinigami incarnation rose unbidden into his mind.

"Well, don't forget my folks are throwing some fancy-ass party later tonight. You're my guest, so you better be there on time and dressed nicely, or they'll be upset.

"And if they're upset, you know they'll make me upset, and you know what that'll lead to. Understood?" she finished, her face full of happiness, her aura full of threat.

He nodded quickly.

"Then I'm off," she said. "The others can finish the paperwork.

"Oh, almost forgot; I got a newbie into my Squad today, frail little thing named Soifon. Bring the Orange Eyesore with you for her to dance with, same rules apply. I could use Kisuke, but the thought of him around any female is kinda scary.

"Later," she finished, disappearing in a flash again.

Naruto just stared, somewhat insulted by her nickname for him, before focusing more on Ranma. "This is bad, isn't it?"

Ranma nodded slowly.

"We're pretty further back than a hundred and ten years, aren't we?"

Ranma nodded again.

Shrugging, Naruto started back to the city, knowing he needed to get some decent threads. "Well, better you than me," he waved off.

Despite his fear, Ranma felt a smirk coming on. _Oh, you'll pay for that, brat. By the time I'm done tonight, Soifon will be on you worse than Shampoo and Kodachi combined._

* * *

**New Loop #2:**

"Well, this just sucks," muttered Naruto, looking at the expanded class of newly minted genins. "Looks like another fused Loop," he muttered.

"Great," grumbled Sakura. "I wonder who we'll get this time. In a normal Loop, our chances of getting Kakashi are one in three, three in a hundred during fused."

"You're assuming we're even together," sighed Sasuke. "All these people, I doubt the chances are good of Team 7 surviving.

"So, who do you think did the Grand Fuckup this time?" he finished, looking around.

"Five girls in the back," replied Naruto.

"Who are they?" asked Sakura, turning around. "I mean, I know their names from the initial data from this Loop, but…"

"No clue," said Naruto. "But they're the only ones I don't recognize."

"What about those kids over there?" asked Sasuke, pointing to a new group on the other side of the classroom.

"They're from the _Bleach_ universe," said Naruto. "I had a fused Loop with them, you guys weren't there."

"You mean we didn't exist for a Loop?" asked Sakura in shock.

"Yep," nodded Naruto. _Quietest century in my life._ "Me and Ranma will probably have to talk to them. They'll have no clue how to manifest their old powers in a Loop not their own."

"Why you two?" asked Sasuke with suspicion.

"Duh," snorted Naruto. "Maybe because I know those powers and you guys don't."

"Alright everyone, quiet down!" yelled Iruka, entering the classroom. "Now, I have your team assignments here. When I call your name and your Jounin Sensei arrives, go with them.

"Now, Team 1: Shinji Ikari, Rei Ayanami, and Asuka Soryu; your Sensei is… Yes, Ikari?"

"I would like to confess to being a Suna spy."

"That didn't work the last time, it won't work this time," sighed Iruka. Really, you'd think the kid was afraid of the girls.

Actually, he was. If there was one person who knew as much about being his Loop's favorite form of entertainment for the females as Naruto and Ranma, it was Shinji.

"Now as I was saying; Team 1, your Jounin is Misato Katsuragi and—"

"Sensei, can I confess to being an Oto spy sent here by Orochimaru to prepare for his invasion during the Chuunin Exam?"

"For the last time, no!" yelled Iruka.

"Man," whispered Sasuke, "he got screwed."

"In more ways than one," smiled Sakura. _Ah, young love._

"Team 2," continued Iruka, "Mana Kirishima, Hikari Horaki, and Mayumi Yamagishi. Your Jounin Sensei is Ritsuko Akagi."

"Oh, that won't end well," muttered Naruto as he watched the groups leave.

"Could be worse," said Sasuke. "They could be the ones with Misato."

"Yes, but Ritsuko will teach them to be tricky," replied Naruto. "Misato would teach them seduction."

"Ah," nodded Sasuke, seeing his point. There was a difference between a fan girl wearing exposing clothing and one who you would find had already stripped you down and tied you to the bed.

"Team 3: Kaworu Nagisa, Toji Suzuhara, and Kensuke Aida."

"What?" bellowed Toji. "How come we ain't got no chicks on our team?"

"Because they swore to unman you if they were placed on your team," Iruka informed the boy. "Your instructor is Maya Ibuki."

"Damn it," grumbled Toji, as his group was led out. At least their instructor was something to look at.

"Bet he's wishing it was Misato," smirked Sakura.

"He should be thankful it wasn't Asuka on his team," snorted Sasuke.

"Moving on," sighed Iruka, already feeling a headache coming on, "Team 4: Ichigo Kurosaki, Yasutora Sado, and Uryū Ishida. Your instructor is Kisuke Urahara."

"Damn it!" yelled Ichigo.

"Would you rather it be Mayuri?" asked Ranma from behind the trio, eliciting a shiver.

Turning quickly, Ichigo faced the pigtailed genin. "Ranma, what the hell is going on?"

"Usual shit," muttered the boy. "After the meet-n-greet, catch up with me and Naruto at Ichiraku's. You guys need to know how to do things here," he finished his reply, patting a very familiar pair of swords on his back. Newbies never did get the hang of that correctly without help.

"Yar, yar, sounds like a good idea," said Kisuke, entering with his usual clothing. "I think I'll join you."

Ranma just snorted. "Figured you'd remember about candy shops and bloody princesses."

The fan stopped, only allowing the hooded gaze of the former Shinigami to be seen. "I am a man of man talents, Saotome.

"Okay then," he said, his demeanor changing from serious to whimsical in a moment. "Come along my little charges, we have so much fun and exciting stuff to do."

"This is **so** not befitting of a Quincy," said Uryū, adjusting his glasses, as the group was led out.

"Well," muttered Naruto, "this will be fun."

"So he remembers?" asked Sasuke.

The kyuubi container nodded. "If anyone adult would, it'd be him."

"Cool," smirked Sakura. "I think we'll join you for that meal."

"Uchiha's paying."

"I paid last time," said Sasuke. "It's Sakura's turn."

"You'd make a girl pay for her meal?" asked the kunoichi with a gasp.

"We believe in equal opportunity," said Naruto sagely.

"It would be biased to always make the guy pay for the meal," said Sasuke in the same tone, nodding.

"Team 5!" yelled Iruka, trying to ignore the rolling commentary, "Orihime Inoue, Rukia Kuchiki, and Neliel Tu Oderschvank. Your Sensei is Yoruichi Shihōin!"

"Let's go, Team Chappie!" cried Rukia.

"Ichigo is so screwed it isn't even funny," muttered Ranma and Naruto at the same time, before clapping their hands and offering their friend a quick prayer.

Though Ranma's included a special provision that Yoruichi wouldn't recall the last Fused Loop too well; he rather liked not being chained to a bed … again.

"Team 6," started Iruka once more, "Ranma Saotome, Nabiki Tendo, and Usagi Tsukino. Your Sensei is—Saotome! No committing seppuku in my classroom!"

"It'll be less painful for me this way, Sensei," Ranma said, tanto still poised at his stomach.

"Quit bitching, Saotome," chuckled Naruto. "Shouldn't you at least wait to see who your teacher is?"

"Your instructor is Anko Mitarashi."

"… Stab away," waved off Naruto.

"Gees, Iruka," smirked the Snake Kunoichi, as she entered, "thanks for giving me at least one smart kid." With a smile, she watched as the girl with short brown hair dragged the boy out, kicking and screaming, as the ponytailed blond with the weird hairstyle followed nervously.

"I have to say," muttered Sasuke, "that the odds are not looking good for us."

"It won't be that bad," waved off Sakura.

"Team 7: Naruto Uzumaki, Saruka Haruno, and Sasuke Uchiha. Your instructor is Kenpachi Zaraki with special assistant, Yachiru Kusajishi. Now—Naruto! I already said there is no seppuku in my classroom!"

Needless to say, the remaining members of Team 7 were a little confused at Naruto's reaction to hearing of their new instructors' names.

"Dobe?" asked Sasuke.

Any possible reply was cut off as the wall next to the door exploded, revealing a tall man with bells in his hair and a small pink kunoichi sitting on his shoulders.

"Damn it, Kenpachi!" coughed Iruka. "Use the door!"

"So," said the tall man, his voice eerily reminding Naruto of his godfather, "which of these brats are my new … students?" he asked with a psychotic leer.

As a whole, the class instantly pointed to the three in question.

"So ... the Old Man trusted me with some fresh meat," the man smiled.

"Yeah!" cried the pink bundle on his arms. "Kenny gets to play some more and I get some new friends."

"Now listen here, brats," Kenpachi continued. "We're going to have a little test. If you pass, I'll accept you as my team.

"Fail and it's a week of personal tutoring … by me."

"We're all dead," whimpered Naruto, now sitting in the fetal position.

"What's the test?" asked Sasuke, a feeling of dread coming over him.

"A game of tag!" yelled Yachiru.

Kenpachi nodded. "Yes, catch Yachiru before sundown and you win. Though there is one other way if you don't catch her."

"What?" asked Sakura.

Smiling madly, Kenpachi pulled out his sword. "Survive!" he yelled, lunging at his students as Yachiru took off through the window.

* * *

Outside the Academy, the whole building shook before cracking in two, as a loud yell of "DAMN IT, KENPACHI!" from Iruka was heard.

* * *

**New Loop #2B:**

"So Aizen is a Jounin with the Sound," muttered Naruto, as the group prepared for the second part of the second set of trials for the Chuunin Exams.

Oddly, a lot more of them had passed as well. He could even spot former Shinigami, Evangelion crew members, and a few Hogwarts students about, representing their villages.

The fact he saw a few Jinchuuriki there as well did make him nervous. But they never remembered the Loops. Hell, between the Kyuubi no Yoko in him and the Kyuubi no Neko inside Ranma, plus Harry, the Evangelion kids with their AT Fields, and the magic girls now in the Loop with the aid of the _Bleach_ crew, it would be a slaughter.

"I know," muttered Ranma near him, "fits so well. Wonder what plans he has for Orochimaru."

"Too bad we won't be able to watch," sighed Naruto.

"What about Sasuke?"

"He totally threw a fit about getting a cursed seal again."

"Figures," snorted Ranma. "Damn drama queen."

"And Nabiki just won," Naruto sighed, watching as Sakura collapsed under the weight of a Vizard's Killing Intent. "I'm shocked she could pull that off."

"All of them got pretty good since they follow us," Ranma commented as Nabiki dismissed her mask. He shifted his glare to the renegade Sannin as he felt the man's desire for that power.

"What's Kasumi's Hollow Mask?" Naruto asked.

"Resembles a hungry dinosaur," Ranma replied. "Don't ask about Akane's. She's sworn me to secrecy and threatened death to any who make her show it."

"Gorilla?"

"Damn, you guessed," Ranma said in a flat tone.

Naruto tried to hide his giggles. Luckily, the youngest Tendo was a possible graduating class behind them; the eldest was a Chuunin medic. But the fact her Inner Hollow was just the animal-like beast she had been teased of being…

* * *

"Ms. Tendo!" yelled Iruka. "I don't know why the histories of the Hokages made you feel the need to pull out a war hammer, but put it away!"

* * *

"Should we be worried about Usagi against Ino?" asked Naruto.

Ranma just snorted. "Have faith in the bunny, young apprentice."

"Young?"

"Well, technically, I'm older than you."

Naruto just snorted. "Just because you started your Loop at seventeen does not make you older than me."

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that," snorted Ranma.

"Next match!" yelled out the proctor as Sakura was escorted off the field. "Grimmjow Jeagerjaques versus Ranma Saotome!"

"Time to see who the big cat is," smirked Ranma as he produced his Zanpakutō and leapt onto the field.

"Will he be okay?" asked Usagi nervously.

"Probably," shrugged Naruto.

"Can you pull that off?" asked Sasuke, walking near his teammate.

"Pull what off?" asked Naruto innocently.

"The mask thing," sneered Sasuke.

Naruto just smirked as white material formed around the air and coalesced into his hand, forming a strange demonic fox mask.

"… Teach me," growled Sasuke.

"Can't," said Naruto.

"Why?"

"Because only Urahara has the tech," snorted Naruto, pointing to the bored Jounin currently fanning himself and pretending not to notice the fight between the former Arrancar and the former Shinigami. "And even then, I need his permission to try it. I fuck that up and this Loop gets reset."

"Y-y-you're going to make more possession masks," squeaked Usagi.

"… Ranma didn't explain much to you, did he?" asked Naruto.

"Just to never be alone with Nabiki and never let her hold my money," said Usagi.

"… Damn newbs," muttered Naruto.

* * *

"Seriously, Ronald," sighed Hermione of Team 9. "Just because Malfoy is a member of Sound does not make him evil.

"It just means he'll be sacrificed for some purpose before his voice drops."

"What?" shrieked Kin.

"Seriously," muttered Harry. "You mean you didn't suspect anything funny about a guy who fled this Village almost fifteen years ago for grabbing random people off the street and performing horrible experiments on them, deciding to form a village where he gets hundreds of volunteers to do with as he sees fit?"

The lone kunoichi of Team Dosu paled greatly as the wheels in her mind turned those thoughts around.

"And that, Ronald," hissed Hermione, "is why you study: to better fuck with people's minds."

* * *

"Now do you understand?" asked Naruto, having explained the Loop as best as he could to the bubbling blond magic girl.

"I-I think so," said Usagi carefully. "So … the mask thing isn't evil."

"Right."

"And this isn't some ploy to take over the world?"

"Well, not on our end. The Sound guys… Not so sure."

"And I really am supposed to sleep with my teammates in my birthday suit?"

"… Nabiki?"

"She said it was a rule."

"… Man, she's worse than Sakura," muttered Naruto, rubbing his forehead. _I guess every Loop needs one._

"Winner: Saotome!"

"Mine!" cried Yugito, as she lunged from the stage to grab the pigtailed genin, rubbing her face against his like a cat.

"… Every damned Loop," muttered Naruto. What was it with Neko Jinchuuriki and Ranma?

* * *

**New Loop #2C:**

"Yeah," muttered Naruto, "a whole month off.

"So, what will you do, Saotome?" asked Naruto, as the Leaf Nin left the Forest of Death.

"Ward my apartment against female Jinchuuriki," muttered the disheveled male. "I can't believe it; every damned Loop I end up here, she always jumps me."

"Trust me, Saotome; it annoys us too," muttered Nabiki.

"YEAH!" cried Usagi. "I gotta chance to be a chuunin! The others will be so jealous!"

"Man," sighed Naruto. "It's like you have a Sai **and** a Sakura," he replied in a whisper.

"You have no idea," Ranma replied. He was just thanking the Kami that had resulted in this Loop it was Nabiki and not Kasumi on his team. He'd never survive what **that** nympho did in the Loops.

"So," muttered Nabiki, "where did your team go?"

"Ah, they want Old Man Kisuke to teach them to become Vizard," Naruto replied.

"Oh yeah, like he is going to risk the Loop at the moment to make them Vizard," snorted Ranma.

"Um … what's a Vizard?" asked Usagi.

"People like us that can generate those weird masks and not become soul-devouring monsters," replied Naruto quickly. "You don't retain much information, do you?"

"Ooohhhh, butterfly!" cried Usagi, as she chased after said bug.

"… That Loop is in some serious trouble," sighed Naruto.

"Just be glad you aren't being set up to father Chibi-Moon," Ranma sighed heavily, tears threatening to escape.

"Now Ranma-kun," replied Nabiki with a sultry smirk, "you know this is what your mother expects from her genin son."

"I don't want to be the universe's whore!" cried Ranma.

"Like that matters," sighed Shinji, the only person of his team to pass the last part of the Exams—Rei had been forbidden from reducing people to LCL.

"Does this happen all the time?" asked Ichigo.

"You get used to it," said Naruto. "That or your thing falls off, the Loop resets, and it starts all over again."

"You never told me about this, Ranma," growled the former substitute Shinigami.

"Oh, like it is my job to tell you about the Loops," said pigtailed nin replied.

"No one has seen Mayuri yet, have they?" asked Harry.

"He works for Sound," replied Kin, now with leash and choker, following Hermione.

"… That is definitely not good for us," muttered the main males for the Loops.

* * *

**New Loop #2D:**

"You know," said Gaara, glaring coldly at Sasuke in the arena, "I was with Naruto in Soul Society."

"You were?" asked Sasuke. "He never mentioned it."

"They had a procedure … where one could learn of a past life."

"That … sounds interesting," said a confused Uchiha.

"But for those like us," continued Gaara, "they open up how we lived in the Loops … when we were not yet aware of it."

"Oh?" said Sasuke, paling slightly.

"And I recalled a Loop I was informed you were responsible for," continued Gaara, as his sand gourd rippled, allowing an elegant katana to emerge. "One where your attempts to end it resulted in some males being reborn … female.

"And on top of that, you … encouraged me to pursue intimate relations with Naruto."

_Oh shit; he knows!_

"I have one thing to say to you, Uchiha," finished Gaara, grabbing the hilt of his katana.

"What?" squeaked Sasuke, knowing that he should be running away at this very moment, but was too scared to try.

Gaara's face became a psychotic sneer. "Bankai!"

* * *

**New Loop #2E:**

"Should I be worried?" asked Ranma.

"Meh," said Nabiki.

"A 'meh' doesn't answer my question, Tendo?" growled Ranma.

"I'm not the one with a sand-based Bankai going to wail on the Uchiha," replied Nabiki.

"True, but then we need to be careful here," said Ranma. "I'd rather have a few years in a Loop rather than one."

"I swear, Saotome, you bitch about everything."

"And you'd sell your soul for some Girl Scout Cookies, can we move on?" asked the pigtailed nin. "And while we're on sold souls: is there a reason Usagi is always trying to sleep naked near me?"

"… She's Sailor Moon. Does she need a reason to act weird?"

* * *

"We should be out there."

"Really Ronald," sighed Hermione, "if that was true, you wouldn't have been beaten during the second part of the Exams."

"… She cheated."

"She made you see a banquet of food and you ran into a wall trying to get to it."

"… It was still a dirty trick."

"We're bloody ninja!" yelled Hermione. "Fair doesn't enter into it!"

"Oh, that's just your hormones talking," he waved off.

"… Why did I choose you?"

* * *

"What is Gaara doing?" hissed Kankuro, as his brother summoned a huge sand construct of Shukaku.

"My guess is beating the shit out of Sasuke," said Naruto with a smile. _Payback's a bitch, Teme!_

"He … he'll get disqualified like that," muttered Temari. How the hell were they going to pull off the invasion if Gaara acted like that?

Naruto, looking at the blond Suna nin he had often known in the biblical sense—thus confirming a little theory he had about women related to a Kage on a close level—decided to really mess with her. "Oh, he's probably still pissed someone killed his Old Man before he could," Naruto replied, pretending not to notice the shocked looks on their faces. "Just Teme's dumb luck he got between Gaara and Orochimaru."

"That's a lie!" yelled Kankuro, grabbing Naruto by his jacket.

"Which thing: Teme's bad luck or Orochimaru offing your old man?"

"Seriously," snorted Ranma, "what sort of idiot makes a deal with Orochimaru?"

"Besides," said Nabiki, gesturing to the seats of the gathered Kages, "you think you're old man would miss this? The Old Snake probably had him killed and replaced weeks ago."

"Didn't you notice Gaara delivering messages?" asked Ranma.

"M-messages?" squeaked Temari, wondering what if anything the Konoha nin were saying was even the truth.

"Yep," nodded Naruto. "Right now, I figure some nameless and non-distinguishable Sound nin are being slaughtered as we speak. I figure we'll find out the Snake Bastard made deals with other villages as well.

"For all we know, they probably promised Saotome for breeding purposes."

Ranma meanwhile sighed and began banging his head into the wall, muttering 'Not again' over and over.

"So the question becomes," said Naruto, freeing himself from the puppet-user's grasp, "do we want Teme ripped to shreds by Gaara or do we want him chased by a moron who wants his body?"

* * *

**New Loop #3:**

The Loop would always begin again. And just because you reached one Loop you considered the face of Hell, didn't mean a worse Loop wasn't waiting for you.

"For the last damned time!" yelled Sailor Mercury, as she surged her AT Field forward and flung the assorted Youma into the distance, "I do not look like Rei Ayanami!"

"DO TOO!" cried out several dozen Sailor Venuses, as they tore into the Youma before they could regroup.

"I just want to kill that demon possessed bitch for making everyone think I want Endymion!" yelled Sailor Moon, as she serrated several Youma with her ki claws.

**"Getsuga Tenshō!"** yelled out a masked Sailor Mars, as black flaming energy lanced across the field, obliterating more of the Youma ranks. **"Let's just deal with these losers quickly so we can get out of this damned Loop! I don't want to be female any longer than I have to be!"**

"Jupiter Reducto!" yelled out the last Inner Senshi. "Hey, I don't mind the whole planetary mana tap thing! I can't wait to try this at Hogwarts! BWA HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Stop going mad on power and let's just deal with the bitch!" yelled Sailor Moon, as the group advanced on Queen Beryl's Palace.

* * *

"Are you ready to die, Sailor Moon?" asked Beryl, her beloved Endymion beside her.

"Can we just kill them now?" asked Sailor Mercury. Bad enough her friends teased her relentlessly about how she resembled Rei Ayanami. Anything that moved this forsaken Loop faster towards an end was worth it in her opinion.

They had thought about just wiping themselves out. But as Ranma pointed out, that usually set them up for an even worse Loop, much like any attempt to exit the Loop. Playing with it just made it worse.

"Your quest was foolish!" yelled Beryl. "Endymion is mine!"

"Okay … and?" asked Sailor Moon.

Beryl's eyes went wide. "What do you mean 'and?' Didn't you come to rescue your beloved?"

"I don't even know him!" yelled out Sailor Moon. "All he does is show up, throw a rose that completely messes up my rhythm in destroying your henchmen of the week, offer a corny speech right out of a PBS Kids Show, and take off.

"Hell, I gift-wrapped him for that Dark General who ran off with him for you!"

The Dark Queen blinked. Damn, perhaps she shouldn't have killed her last Dark General for claiming that was the truth. "Then … why did you come?"

Golden ki wrapped itself around Sailor Moon's hands. "Because … you just piss me off."

* * *

**New Loop #4:**

It was horrible.

It was terrible.

It was maddening.

"YOSH!" cried the blond … with large, fuzzy eyebrows and wearing a bright green spandex suit with a blond bowl cut. "Our great teacher has arrived, my excellent teammates!"

"You are correct, Naruto-kun!" cried Sasuke, his attire and hair a copy of the blond Jinchuuriki's. "Kakashi-sensei has arrived to impart to use his most youthful ideas!"

"Yosh!" cried Sakura, also sporting green spandex, a bowl cut, and pink fuzzy eyebrows. "Come, Kakashi-sensei! Let us explode with the Will of Fire for Konoha!"

"Sasuke-kun!" cried Naruto.

"Sakura-chan!" cried Sasuke.

"Naruto-kun!" cried Sakura, as all three met in a hug, an illusion resembling a sunset with crashing waves behind them, completing the illusion.

"Kakashi-sensei!" they cried, lunging for their teacher.

"AAAAIIYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!" cried Kakashi as he took off, eye wide, screaming in fear of what had just been assigned to him.

"Well … that was fun," said a smiling Sasuke. "How long do you think we can keep this up?"

"A month easy, perhaps even all the way to the Chuunin Exam," offered Naruto.

"So," smirked Sakura, "should we get the others to do it as well. That will really send him over the edge."

"Already on it," smiled the blond Jinchuuriki.

* * *

"Yosh," said Gaara in a deadpan voice. "Mother requires us to exercise our youthful spirit. This will not be an issue."

"Uh … sure," muttered Baki.

* * *

**New Loop #5:**

"Hey Naruto," said Chouji, as he watched the blond and Shikamaru continue to play Go, "what are you up to?"

"Hmm?"

"You ain't left in over an hour; you're even keeping Shikamaru working for a win."

"I'd of forfeited if the price for it wasn't so troublesome," muttered the Nara boy. Damned signed contracts…

"Well," said Naruto, moving his piece to capture Shikamaru's knight—a move Shikamaru himself would likely make in several years if left alone, "have any of you guys ever heard of the Chinese Amazons?"

"Chinese Amazons?" asked Shikamaru.

"Tribe from a far off land," muttered Naruto, as he watched Shikamaru consider the shape of the board. "Suffice to say, they have this odd little law that says if an Outsider Male defeats an Amazon female, then she is to give him the Kiss of Marriage."

"Sounds like some lame plot from a manga," answered Chouji.

Smirking, Naruto continued. "And someone—I'm not saying who—may have procured and delivered several dozen official scrolls saying something similar was part of the Uchiha legacy."

"… Oh," said Shikamaru, holding back a laugh. "Someone did this?"

"It is still under an S-Class investigation, real hush-hush," waved off Naruto. "But there has been some evidence that these scrolls were handed out to fangirls of the last Uchiha in the village."

"Imagine that," smirked Shikamaru.

"Oh yes," said Naruto. "Though I'm not certain if anyone has warned our dear friend Sasuke."

Chouji by this point had forgone eating another chip in fear he'd start laughing and choke on them.

* * *

Sasuke dodged another kunai, taking to the nearby roof as the explosive tag attached to said kunai went off.

He had no idea why his so-called fangirls were trying to either incapacitate him or knock him out, but when he did, there would be hell to pay.

"AIREN!" cried Ino, as she tried to brain the Uchiha with a bo staff.

* * *

**New Loops #6:**

Okay, Naruto would admit this was not his best idea.

It seemed like a sure thing. During the last Fused Loop in Nerima—and he thanked the Bijuu he wasn't stuck in that hellhole for endless Loops—he had interrogated one of Ranma's rivals, dissected his apparatus, and learned a new technique: the Copy Cat.

Well, it had left the boy horribly mentally and physically scarred, but that was for the next Reset to fix.

Oh, it worked perfectly.

Too perfectly.

A simple Change and Naruto could literally be anyone he knew, use all their techniques, including Summons, and be a perfect copy of the original, only the core of his mind keeping him from actually believing he was the person he copied. So in the grand scheme, while chakra intensive—well, to anyone not having spent eons in a Loop building reserves and such—it was the perfect way to infiltrate and learn of an enemy. It had no flaws; even the Summons couldn't tell he wasn't the original.

This was of course proved during the Team 7 introductions when he Changed into Kakashi, summoned the dog-nin, and sent them to 'teach the young student how flawed his copying technique was'.

Of course, no perfection can exist when a technique comes into contact with Naruto, especially one he made.

So what went wrong? He got a perfect copy of their memories and techniques … including what they were doing at that very moment.

He had no idea Sarutobi even had the ability to do something like that, let alone inside the Hokage offices. One thing was for certain: Naruto would **never** hide under that desk again.

Ever.

In fact, from now on, when he became Hokage, he was having that thing burnt, the floors removed and replaced, and the entire room scrubbed with bleach and fire.

Plenty of fire.

So it was definitely not a Deus Ex Machina no Jutsu—because no one wanted memories of someone else whacking off—but it would be amusing for a Loop.

At least until he had changed into Orochimaru while tormenting Sasuke on the roof—after doing Itachi and Madara while explaining the emo's background—when he felt a disturbance in the force.

Actually it was more like narrowly dodging several kunai with explosive notes launched by an upset Anko. He was apparently so good in the change that he actually set off her Cursed Seal.

Well, now he knew.

So one Change into his father, a lip-lock that made the Snake Kunoichi's eyes roll into the back of her head, and he escaped.

So now hiding from the entire ANBU Division—most likely sent out by both Sarutobi to bring him in for questioning—and Danzo—probably to make use of him in ROOT—he decided one thing.

How could he use this for some quick laughs?

And why when he was Orochimaru did he have a desire to acquire a chimp named Bubbles?

* * *

**New Loop #7:**

The students gathered once again to be assigned teams, teams that were almost always determined beforehand.

Sasuke knew this as he sighed. Yet another Loop as Team 7.

It wasn't that he minded, far from it. Sakura was much easier to be around after she received extensive counseling. Apparently unlike Anchors, additional people who remembered the Loop were subject to extreme mental stress.

Sakura adapted by becoming … well, nymphomaniac didn't quite cover it.

But she was better now … he hoped.

"Undo it, Teme!"

Blinking, he looked up, spotting Naruto … wearing only a tattered pair of boxers. "Dobe, if your junk pops out, I am so killing you right now."

"Undo … it," growled Naruto.

"Undo what?" asked Sasuke. "And why are you almost naked?"

**Thump!**

"Hinata's down," he murmured.

"Are you telling me," growled out Naruto, "that this isn't your doing?"

"What? You becoming a Chip-n-Dale's dancer?"

Naruto growled, before taking a calming breath. "I can't wear any clothes or they literally explode off of me."

"I … see," Sasuke said. "I hope Sakura didn't have a relapse."

"Relapse into what?" said the kunoichi in question. "And Naruto … nice choice in outfits. I think even Ino is starting to have naughty thoughts about you."

The blond Jinchuuriki blinked. "If you didn't do this … and Teme didn't do this, then who did?" he asked, as Iruka entered the classroom.

* * *

Inside Naruto, the Kyuubi gave a deep laugh. He hadn't had this much fun in eons. After all, why break free from his seal when he could add his own.

* * *

**New Intros #8:**

It had taken him years of preparation, decades of work to perfect, and skills mastered over centuries to pull it off.

But now, Naruto's revenge was at hand.

"Okay," said Kakashi, taking the D-Rank mission slip. "It appears we are to locate the cat of the wife of the Fire Lord … and assassinate it?" he finished in confusion, turning towards the Hokage.

"I was shocked as well," said Sarutobi. "But it passed all of our checks."

"So we're being sent … to kill a cat," stated Sasuke.

"It would appear so," offered Kakashi.

"Sensei, we're really not going to kill a defenseless little kitty, are we?" asked Sakura, tears in her eyes.

"Ask him again in a few hours," smiled Naruto, walking away.

"I suggest you go now, Kakashi," sighed the Hokage. "If word gets out this mission is available, we'll have ANBU battling for it in minutes."

It went so well, Naruto made a mental note to do this every Loop he could.

* * *

**New Loop #9:**

Naruto leaned back as the assignments were handed out. Yet another Loop for the Jinchuuriki where he had to deal with things the tanned Goddess had told him about. And only one thought crossed his mind.

_Why does Saotome get a Goddess as a sex partner and all I get are teens?_

We didn't say it was a fair thought.

He wasn't upset Saotome had another sex partner, far from it. Sakura's adjustment to being a Looper had been long and difficult. Much like Sasuke, her soul and essence just hadn't been ready for it, and thus her kernel—her initial essence—hadn't been ready to handle the stress of the Loop.

But a **stable** sexual partner who could handle the Loops? That was something worth its weight in whatever you used to back your currency.

Sighing, he waited until the students were sorted into teams. Sadly, not one was left, nor was a new group added, meaning he was alone in this Loop. He hated Loops like that, no one to share ideas or bounce them off of.

He was a lone and thus left to his own devices.

Heaven help them.

* * *

"If you win, I'll give you my necklace," said Tsunade with a smirk.

"Hold on one moment," said Naruto, flashing through several hand signs, before smacking the ground and producing a small volume of smoke.

Tsunade nearly gasped in surprise as she saw a Kyuubi the size of a small horse appear, before Naruto dragged it to a distance a normal person wouldn't hear from.

Luckily, not only was she a ninja, but a Sannin, thus, she heard everything.

"What do you think?" asked Naruto.

"I think it is a fake?" said the miniature Kyuubi.

"It looked real to me," said Naruto.

"Come on," said the Kyuubi. "All of it is so fake, I can't believe you think it is real."

"HEY!" yelled Tsunade. "MY BREASTS ARE REAL!"

"Huh?" asked Naruto.

"We're talking about the necklace," said the mini-Kyuubi, eyes narrowed.

"… Oh," said Tsunade.

"Speaking of them," continued Naruto, "I have to respond in my expert opinion … FAKE!"

The Kyuubi nodded. "Yes, definitely the result of her youth jutsu."

"HEY!" yelled the lone female Sannin.

"Can we have some privacy here?" yelled Naruto. "Can't a guy and his Bijuu Yoko partner have some quiet to think?"

The eyes of the adult Leaf nin—current and former—went wide at those words.

"He knows?" asked Tsunade.

"Apparently," shrugged Jiraiya.

"I still say," said the mini-Kyuubi Yoko, bending down closer to Naruto, "that this bet is worthless. You work that hard and all you get is a lousy necklace?"

"Well, they did say you could buy a mountain with it," added Naruto.

"Whoop-dee-doo," growled the Yoko. "We get a whole mountain … and then what?"

"… True," said Naruto. "What the hell would I do with a mountain."

"And everyone knows the actual ninjas who will teach you something worthwhile won't do it for money … at least not without stabbing you in the back."

Naruto nodded at that. Looking towards the female Sannin, he stood. "No deal, Lady. That necklace doesn't mean shit to me!"

Tsunade's eyes went wide. The brat didn't want the necklace or any possible money? "Well then what do you want?"

"… A shrubbery?" offered the Kyuubi, before Naruto smacked it upside it's head.

"We are not in a Monty Python spoof," growled the blond.

"Oh, like I was going to suggest sex," snorted the demon fox.

"Yeah, she's like … way old," muttered Naruto.

Both pretended not to notice the demonic red corona that erupted around the female Sannin.

"Medical jutsu?" asked Naruto.

The fox snorted. "And what could she offer that we don't already know."

"True," Naruto muttered, shaking his head.

"What about her assistant?"

"Like we need some obscure-sexual deviant following us," Naruto replied, both pretending not to notice as a second corona appeared around said deviant.

"Think she can cook?" asked the Kyuubi.

Naruto just snorted.

"Right, what was I thinking," said the demon fox.

"Why … you…" growled Tsunade.

"Bitch, please!" yelled the Yoko, focusing on her. "Don't make me go feral up on yo'r ass!" it called out.

"Since when do you speak like that?" asked Naruto.

"See, we never talk anymore."

"I'm a human and you're a god-like demon fox. What do we have in common?"

"… Memories of Sakura we suppressed?"

"… Good point." He had to admit, before Sakura finally adjusted to being in the Loop, she was certainly … wild.

"Would you two focus!" yelled Jiraiya. "Don't you remember why we're here?"

"… To avoid student loans?" asked the Kyuubi.

"Paternity suits?" asked Naruto.

"Idiot," growled the fox. "As if anyone would sleep with him."

"Too true."

"HEY!" yelled Jiraiya, as a third corona of evil killing chakra formed.

"What were we talking about again?" wondered Naruto.

"… Snake-obsessed Sannin with questionable sexual preferences?" asked the Kyuubi.

* * *

Outside of town, a red corona appeared around Orochimaru, vaporizing the backup Kabuto had brought with them.

* * *

"No," said Naruto.

"Old biddies with fake breasts?"

"Why … you," growled Tsunade, as she advanced towards them.

Naruto blinked. "Hah!" he yelled. "She just admitted they're fake!"

"NOOOOOOO!" cried Jiraiya as he fell to his knees. "Why, Kami? Why did you trick me in such a manner?"

The duo sighed as Tsunade's rage turned its focus towards the elderly male Sannin. After all, it was all fun and games until someone had a chakra scalpel shoved up their ass.


	11. New Intros 5

**New Intros 5**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow me to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

This group is based on a Groundhog's Day concept, if time was looping, and certain members were aware of this.

These are their insanities.

* * *

**New Loop #1:**

The assembled people looked from the bed of Kakashi, currently in Intensive Care, towards the blond genin in his team.

"Hey," growled Naruto, "he said to come at him with killing intent."

"That he did," said Sakura, as she buffed her nails.

Sasuke just nodded. "Really, you'd think a former ANBU could handle a little thing like a high A-ranked assassination technique from twenty Kage Bunshins."

"Right," said Naruto. "And it was more like fifty. See, I really don't get how I'm the one in trouble here."

"Well, he did beg you to stop," offered Sasuke. "He even offered you the bells."

"He didn't have the bells on him," replied Naruto.

"That's because I stole them," said Sakura, as she reached into her back pouch and retrieved them.

"And you didn't tell us … why?" Naruto asked.

Sakura just shrugged. "I wanted to see if he noticed. And he totally didn't. I don't think they gave us a competent Jounin."

"I agree," said Sasuke. "Naruto was rated the Last in Class. If he could do this, either this guy was really weak or those teachers flunked him for some reason."

Naruto nodded. "Hey, Jiji, can we get a new Jounin Sensei, preferably one with … I don't know, the ability to do their job?"

* * *

**New Loop #2:**

Kakashi and the other two Genin stared at where Naruto had been, now seeing a very familiar adult figure.

Said figure looked at his hands, examining his body, before standing up. "Kakashi, you and the Old Man have a **lot** of explaining to do!"

"Nice Henge, Naruto," waved off Kakashi.

The figure smirked. "Hey you two, would you like to learn the nickname Kakashi's teammates gave him during their Genin Exam?"

The lone eye of Kakashi went wide.

"They called him the Eternal MRPH—" finished the man as Kakashi's hand appeared over his mouth.

"Is … is that really you, Minato-Sensei?" asked Kakashi.

"Don't know how, but yeah," nodded the blond, removing Kakashi's hand. "Now, shall we talk about how the village I gave my life for is spitting on my sacrifice?"

_I wonder how long I can carry this prank out…_

* * *

**New Loop #3:**

"Hmm," murmured Naruto, "didn't see that coming."

Sasuke slowly turned to face his teammate. "Dobe, if this comes back and bites **me** in the ass, you're getting a Chidori-suppository."

"Hmm, nice rhyme," muttered Sakura, watching the battle before her.

"What?" asked Naruto. "All I did was take Hinata aside and offer her some intensive training."

Sakura's expression grew mischievous. "Oh, is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?"

"Not that type of training, baka-nympho," muttered Naruto. "I simply spent my free time enhancing her abilities through hard work coupled with rapid improvement techniques."

"Ah," nodded Sasuke. "You trained her Saotome-style; lots of pain, suffering, and being left holding the bag."

"Hell no," growled Naruto. "I'd never put anyone through Genma's style."

"So you pulled a Ranma."

"Perhaps," muttered the Jinchuuriki, as he watched the fight below him.

"I think she may have finally cracked," sighed Sakura.

"What's my name, bitch?" yelled Hinata, as she proceeded to pimp-slap her cousin who was currently being held by several Kage Bunshin. "Main Family ain't got shit on me!"

"Yeah, never use that training method ever again, Dobe," muttered Sasuke.

"She was fine before the Exam," muttered Naruto. "I wonder what went wrong…"

"Winner of the match, Hinata Hyuuga," coughed the Proctor.

"SAY MY NAME!"

"HINATA HYUUGA!" he yelled, scuttling back as the Hyuuga heir gave a mad cackle.

"Yeah, I don't think it'll be safe to hang out with you anymore this Loop, Naruto," whispered Sakura, stepping away from the blond.

"Good luck, Dobe," muttered Sasuke, also stepping to the side.

"Oh, you guys are just being—URK!"

"This is mine!" yelled Hinata, grabbing Naruto's crotch. "This is where my babies come from!"

* * *

**New Loop #4:**

Naruto sighed as he looked around. "I think it's clear."

"You think?" asked Sasuke in a hushed whisper. "This is my life on the line as well, Uzumaki!"

Naruto nodded, now knowing how scared the Uchiha was. He only ever called him his last name when something had scared him almost to death.

He supposed this situation counted towards that.

"Can't we go to some lame village, take over for a Loop?" asked Sasuke.

"You mean Smoke with those lame Nin who hunted Kakashi or Snow with those lame Nin who rebelled against Princess Fuun's father?"

Sasuke winced. "So we got nowhere to go?"

"Basically," mumbled Naruto. "Unless … can you be a priest for Shion?"

"Does it mean we can avoid Sakura and the fangirls?" Sasuke asked hopefully.

Naruto nodded. "You just had to piss her off, didn't you?"

"She was wrong and you know it."

"And thanks to your pride, we have her promising to sic every fangirl we ever had on us," grumbled Naruto.

"A man never admits when he is wrong."

"Yeah, keep saying that," muttered Naruto, as the duo slinked towards the nearest Gate. "And when you wake up handcuffed to a bed and having Little Sasuke rode until he falls off dead, I'm sure it'll help you continue to be a man."

"Less talking, more fleeing."

* * *

**New Loop #5:**

Sarutobi just stared at Team 7, trying to find the right words to express his disappointment in them. "Do you have any words to say in your defense?" he asked.

Naruto raised his hand. "In our defense, Jiji; we could have swore the target was actually a high-ranking Missing Nin."

Sasuke nodded. "Its pattern of movement did not fit the profile."

"And the aggressiveness it displayed was not what one would expect from what our client provided," stated Sakura with the utmost belief.

"… You killed the Fire Lord's pet cat," snarled Kakashi.

"Well, how were we to know?" asked Naruto. "You can't expect me to believe that thing was just a normal cat."

"I stand by my decision," nodded Sasuke. "I'm sure a full autopsy will reveal we were correct in the end."

"On what remains?" asked Kakashi. "You stabbed it, fried it, and Sakura punted it into a probable decaying orbit."

Sakura looked embarrassed. "Well how was I to know there wasn't some amazing ninja technique to bring it back?" she mumbled.

"We were given bad mission intel," sighed Naruto.

"Been known to happen," stated Sasuke. "Hokage-sama, might I recommend ensuring their replacements know enough not to let this happen again. We could have captured that enemy ninja."

"YOU KILLED A CAT!" cried Kakashi.

"We'll let history judge us," said Naruto. "Besides, everyone agrees with us." Producing a scroll, he handed it to the Hokage. "This is a signed statement from several ninja of the Leaf offering collaborating testimony that they too believe that Tora the Cat was really a cover for an infiltrator."

Sarutobi blinked as he opened the scroll, whistling at the sheer number of names on the list.

Shaking his head, he rolled up the scroll again. "Team 7, you are dismissed until tomorrow!" _I need some time to sort this out_

* * *

The trio of Team 7 looked on in shock at the assembled ninja.

A group of ninja … who were clapping and cheering.

"Well," muttered Naruto with a nervous smile, "this has never happened before."

"Who cares," smirked Sasuke. "Thanks to that damned cat, the Uchiha are heroes to the Leaf now."

"We are going to get **so** much tail," smiled Sakura, blowing kisses.

Naruto just shrugged. "What the hell; got more for less anyway."

* * *

**New Loop #6 (Offered by my good friend Myukus):**

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki, and I'm a free spirit!"

*That would explain the TOTAL lack of clothing,* thought Kakashi. "Alright, Pinky, your turn."

"I'm Sakura Haruno, and I like my men to be more... mature," Sakura said as she winked at Kakashi.

"Um... Okay..." Kakashi turned to the boy in clown make-up. "Now you."

"I'm Sasuke Uchiha. I intend to kill my brother. Would you like a balloon animal?" Sasuke handed a balloon giraffe to the confused Jounin.

"Why are you wearing clown make-up?" inquired Kakashi.

"It elevates my mood," monotoned the boy.

* * *

"Your test will be to get these two... Sasuke, why are you wearing a dress, and where did you get a cigar?"

"The dress makes me feel pretty," Sasuke lit the cigar, and puffed on it. "And I got the cigar from some guy with a Cloud head band."

"Umm... Right... Anyway, the goal of this test is to take these two bells from me, using whatever force is necessary."

"So, I shoulda probably brought some weapons, huh?" asked Naruto.

"Yes, but where you would keep them, I don't know. You should really start wearing some pants, at least."

"Yeah, Naruto. How DARE you offend Stud-sama with your nudity!" Sakura bellowed.

Kakashi cringed at that. "Please don't call me that..."

Sakura only winked as a reply.

* * *

"You know, Dobe, it would help if you did something other than frolic with butterflies..."

"Oh yeah, like you sitting around puffing on a cigar is accomplishing anything. Sakura can handle this on her own. We're just icing."

Off in the forest, the boys could hear Kakashi yelling. "Those aren't the bells!".

* * *

"Hey, Kakashi. I've never known YOU to be in a bar so late..."

"Anko, it's three in the afternoon."

"Really? I haven't been back to my apartment in days, so..." Anko began, then interrupted herself "Enough about my life. Why are you so glum?"

At that moment, Naruto ran by, completely naked, with an ANBU squad in pursuit. "You'll never stop me! FREEDOM!"

"That's the first member of my squad."

Then Sasuke rode by on a pogo-stick, counting the bounces "10,981, 10,982, 10,983..."

"That's the second member of my squad."

"So where's the third?"

Kakashi's eye went wide. He then pushed his seat back, and looked under the table.

"Aw... Sexy-Sensei... I was just about to start..."

"Barkeep! A round of the hard stuff for my friend here!"

* * *

"You know, I'd totally kick this guy's ass if I had any weapons... Sasuke, can I borrow some of yours?"

"Forget it, Dobe, I don't want you touching any of my stuff and HEY, ZABUZA! WATCH OUT! HE'S GONNA USE THE SHARINGAN NOW!"

"I don't mean to interrupt you boys, but what's your pink-haired friend up to?" Tazuna interjected.

"That's a good question. What are you doing, Sakura?" asked Naruto.

"ACK! Get out of my pants!"

Kakashi sweatdropped. *At least it's not me this time.*

/Hey, Brat! The pink one is copping a feel on Zabuza! We gotta step up our game here, or she's gonna make us look bad!/

*Alright, Kyuubi,* thought Naruto *What did you have in mind?*

/Alright, this'll have to wait until we get back to Konoha, but.../

* * *

Back at Tazuna's house, Kakashi was taking steps to ensure that his night's sleep would go uninterrupted. Basically, he was rigging his door with seals to keep anyone from getting in. He heard the bathroom door open, then close, and a pair of feet start down the hall.

"No one use the bathroom! I need to get a towel to dry off after my bath!" Naruto yelled.

*Oh God, I hope he's not naked...*

Tsunami screamed.

*He's naked...*

Kakashi was glad, at least, that Sakura had made herself scarce when Zabuza fled the battle. He didn't know how much more of her he could take. *Of course, I should probably worry that she's still trying to get Zabuza's pants off, but at least it isn't me!*

CREAK

Kakashi whipped around, ready to attack at the first sight of Sakura. Instead, he was treated to the sight of not one, not two, but three beautiful naked women lounging in his bedding.

"Hey, Kakashi."

"Sasuke? What are you doing here?"

"Well, you see, I picked up some hookers, and I didn't think I should expose them to Naruto... Plus, you DID pay for them, so I figured you could have some fun too."

* * *

"Request DENIED, Kakashi Hatake. You should know better than to waste our time with a request like this."

"But, Lord Hokage... You can't leave me with them! I haven't done anything to deserve this!"

"Oh please, we know about your unhealthy relationship with the girl..."

"What are you talking about, Utatane-sama? She came on to me!"

"And about your repeated attempts to betray the village on this last mission."

"But, Homura-sama, it was Sasuke who tried to aid Zabuza!"

"Don't talk back to my advisors like that. I'll have to punish you!"

POOF The third Hokage's clothes disappeared.

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! MY EYE!"

So intent on keeping his eye shut was Kakashi, that he completely missed Homura pulling a paintball gun out of his robes.

PFFT

"YAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!"

"Hey, watch his crotch, Sasuke! I'm gonna need that later!"

Kakashi's eye popped open. It couldn't be. There was no way they could have gotten in here.

"Heh heh heh..." Sasuke laughed.

"Haha haha haha..." Naruto laughed.

"It's alright, Muffin. Sakura can make it feel ALL better." Sakura whispered.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Kakashi screamed as he bolted from the room.

* * *

"Alright, guys. It's time for the final battle. The ultimate display of which one of us can drive Kakashi the farthest into madness. The greatest..."

"Short version, Dobe," interrupted Sasuke.

"This week, we break him. You've got the entire Forest of Death to plan your attacks, then we strike."

"Sounds good. Why isn't Sakura talking?"

The two boys glanced around, looking for the third member of their team.

"HOW THE HELL DO YOU FIND ME?!" Kakashi screamed as he ran by.

"Don't deny our love!" responded Sakura as she continued her pursuit.

"Wow, she's gonna be hard to beat..."

"Speak for yourself, Dobe. I've got plans."

/So do we, Uchiha, so do we... Have you made the arrangements?/

*Yep, I've got everything set up.*

/Good.../

* * *

"Where the HELL are your clothes?!" Anko bellowed at Naruto.

"He's wearing them," Naruto replied, pointing at Sasuke. Sure enough, Sasuke was wearing Naruto's orange pants and coat (not that anyone had seen him wearing them lately).

"Relax, lady. It's only until I find a look that I like," the Uchiha said, as he strode toward another Genin. "Give me your clothes. NOW!"

"What?! No way!" replied the startled Genin.

"Fine." Sasuke fired up his Sharingan. "Clothes. NOW!"

The boy, helpless to control himself, stripped down to his He-Nin and the Kages of the Universe under-roos, and handed his clothes over. Sasuke promptly changed into the other Genin's clothes, and used the fireball jutsu to reduce Naruto's old clothes to cinders.

"I hate the colors, but it will have to do. For now."

"Did you have to burn my clothes?"

"At least you weren't wearing them this time."

"He's got a point, Naruto," Sakura added.

"Where have you been?" Naruto asked the pink haired girl.

"Making sure Kakashi-sensei won't miss me too much while we're in the forest."

"MAY I FINISH BRIEFING YOU MAGGOTS ON THE DAMN FOREST?!" Anko roared at the team.

"Geez... Someone's PMS-ing. I could recommend a good hormonal treatment..." Sakura switched to a low whisper. "It's called sex!"

"I'm going to see you ROT!" Anko snorted.

* * *

"Kakashi? What are you doing here? And why are your clothes torn to shreds?" Asuma inquired of his fellow Jounin. "Is there something I should know about?"

"Yeah, my team is totally off their rockers! Avoid them!" replied the copy-nin.

"I'm more interested in why you are nearly naked in Kurenai's apartment," Asuma growled, as he reached for his knives.

*Crap, gotta think fast! The truth? No, too much to explain, none of it believable. Lie? Pointless. Ah, distract!* "I'm a little curious as to what YOU would be doing naked in Kurenai's apartment..." answered Kakashi.

"WHAT?! Um... We, ah, um... Wait a minute. I'm not naked. Kakash- Where the hell did he go?!"

Kakashi fled away from the apartment that had been his refuge from Sakura's prying hands. He was going to make that girl PAY for this.

* * *

"Why are you still wearing that Rain Genin's jumpsuit? And what's with the rebreather?" asked Sakura.

"It looks cool. Plus, now I don't have to hold my breath when I swim across a river," answered Sasuke.

"We're ninja. We WALK across rivers, Sasuke," Naruto stated. "And did you have to send him away naked?"

"It doesn't bother YOU to walk around naked all day."

"I wasn't worried about him. I was more concerned with trying to get the image of his pale, flabby butt out of my head."

"Oh, I've already forgotten all about that," Sakura purred behind Naruto, causing the demon vessel to spin around. "I've got a much nicer image in my head. Ooh, there's another one."

The two male Genin shuddered.

"We really need to get another guy around here to distract her" Sasuke muttered through his rebreather.

"Guy, girl, half-n-half... You know she's not that picky," Naruto grunted. "Anyway, aren't we forgetting something?"

"Pardon the interruption, but I must insist that you hand over your- What the hell?!"

"Right. Orochimaru. All yours, Sasuke."

"Why can't he be mine?" Sakura pouted.

Naruto and Sasuke stared at the pink haired girl. "But why would you-" began Naruto.

"Want Orochimaru?" finished Sasuke.

"He STRETCHES," Sakura answered.

"Ew..."

"Double ew... Anyway, it looks like it's up to me to deal with you, Orochimaru."

"How do you know who I am?"

"Irrelevant. All you need to know is that when I walk out of here, it will be with your purple ass-bow worn proudly across my butt. Fork it over. NOW!"

* * *

"So, you're the one Orochimaru is after..." Dosu sneered.

"Hey, Kin. Isn't that Orochimaru's butt-bow thing?" asked Zaku.

"Yeah, but how did he get it?" Kin replied.

Sasuke smiled. "That arm gear looks pretty cool... I think I want it."

* * *

"Kabuto, get over here," hissed Orochimaru.

"I'm having a little trouble seeing, Lord Orochimaru. I tripped and broke my glasses."

"You broke your glasses? What kind of ninja breaks their glasses? What kind of medic-nin even NEEDS glasses?"

"Freak accident. Where's your obi?"

"It got dirty, so I threw it away," replied the snake Sannin.

"You threw it away? It was custom made and hand crafted!"

"It. Got. Dirty. I. Threw. It. Away."

"Riiiiiight. Anyway, I got those pictures you wanted, but once I finished editing out Jinchuuriki butt, I didn't have anything left."

"Why do I let you live?"

"Threw away your obi, huh?"

"Shut-up, Kabuto."

* * *

"Ah, my eternal rival, Kakashi! I see your team has made it through the forest!" Gai commented.

"I wouldn't know. I try to avoid them whenever possible. I DID notice that your protégé was sobbing... Care to explain?"

"It would seem, my youthful friend, that someone stole his eyebrows! Who would do such a thing?"

"I wonder..." Kakashi muttered, staring at his team.

* * *

"You look like a total dork in that get-up, Sasuke," laughed Naruto.

Sasuke stood in the middle of the room, proudly wearing his 'new' jumpsuit, obi, rebreather, glasses, metal gauntlet, and eyebrows (taped over his own, of course). "You're just jealous because you'd look like a Tobi in this outfit. I make it look good."

Sakura had to comment on that. "You're discussing fashion with a guy who hasn't worn so much as a sock since we started this contest?"

"He called me a Tobi... That's just LOW..."

"Oh, grow up, Dobe."

* * *

*I hate those kids* thought Kakashi.

* * *

"So you're the legendary Sasuke Uchiha, huh?"

"Yes I am."

"You look like a moron."

"You look like a man with a very fashionable pair of nostrils."

"I wha-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The crowd of ninja winced as Sasuke added yet another accessory to his outfit.

* * *

"I won't let you have Sasuke!" Ino hissed.

"I don't want him! I'm more interested in our amazing sensei, with those firm abs, tight calves..." Sakura appeared lost for a moment.

"Ouch... That kinda hurt," Sasuke moaned.

"Hmm... Maybe you could help out... What size are these?" Sakura asked, moving behind Ino and grabbing her breasts as she spoke.

"SakuRAAAAAA! What are you doing?!"

"Best fight I've ever seen..." Naruto grinned, as a thin trickle of blood ran from his nose.

Sasuke simply said, "Tenten versus Hinata versus Temari in the Hidden Mud Village."

"Riiiiiight. Second best fight."

* * *

"Come on, Kiba, let's see what you've got!"

The dog ninja remained as he had been since the fight began: standing still with one hand over his eyes, and the other blocking Akamaru's. "I can already see what YOU'VE got... That'll be enough, thank you very much."

"COME ON, STRIP FIGHT! You should get in there, Sexy-Sama, and show them how it's done!"

"Please shut up, Sakura," groaned Kakashi.

* * *

The day of reckoning had come at last. Naruto and Sasuke waited patiently on the rooftop across the street from Kakashi's apartment.

"So, it ends today, huh?" Sasuke asked, brushing another stray feather out of his eyes. The tar had begun to melt away.

"Yep. I can't believe you tarred and feathered yourself," replied a fully clothed Naruto. "I mean, it's over now."

"What can I say? I'm dedicated. Where's Sakura?"

"She made some excuse about having some last minute stuff to do. Hey, what's going on down there?"

Naruto and Sasuke looked down to the street, where a large group of women stormed toward Kakashi's apartment building, with a squad of heavily armed ANBU in tow. "This is where the pervert lives! Now get in there and get our panties back!"

"Watch a master at work, Naruto."

"You did this?"

"Yep, all the panties in Konoha. Young, old, granny, thong. I got them all. Except for Sakura's, of course."

"Too afraid of getting cornered in her bedroom?"

"Goes without saying."

"But how did you get them all to come here?" asked Naruto.

"I left hairs I plucked from Kakashi at most of the scenes," answered the Uchiha.

"That would explain the bald spot."

The boys watched as Kakashi walked up to the group.

"What's going on?" asked a bewildered looking Kakashi.

One of the women pushed forward and yelled, "IT'S THE PERVERT! KILL HIM!"

She was forced back by one of the ANBU. "We'll handle this, ma'am. Kakashi Hatake, we need to see the inside of your apartment."

"Sure, I don't have anything to hide. Not in there, anyway."

"We'll see about that..." muttered Sasuke.

/Yes, yes we will.../

"Quiet, Kyuubi!" grumbled Naruto.

"Kyuubi? Wait, what's your prank?"

"IT'S THE FUZZ! BAIL!" Naked people started pouring out of all the windows and doors of the apartment building, like a biblical flood of nudity.

"What the hell?!" exclaimed Sasuke.

"I started a nudist colony in Kakashi's apartment building. It was a total pain to evict the other tenants without drawing suspicion, but I did it."

"Wow... I gotta give it to you. That's gotta be our winner." Sasuke lightly bumped his knuckles to Naruto's outstretched fist.

The male members of Team 7 watched as the ANBU began restraining a stunned Kakashi.

"Where are you taking my husband?"

Naruto and Sasuke looked in shock as a weeping Sakura ran up to the ANBU.

"What are you talking about?" asked one of the ANBU. Kakashi's lone visible eye widened.

"We were married in secret. I have the documents here to prove it!" Sakura produced the documents. Kakashi's eye got wider.

"She's beating us, Dobe..." Sasuke muttered.

"I KNOOOOOOOW." Naruto growled back.

/Damn it.../

The ANBU looked over the documents. "Well, these are official, alright. You two really are married. Well, Mrs. Hatake-"

"Mrs. Haruno. He took my name."

Kakashi's eye seemed to stretch larger.

"Right... Anyway, Mrs. Haruno, he's been accused of several offenses, and we need to book him."

"Oh, that's a shame... Will we be allowed conjugal visitation?"

"Oh, um, of course."

Blood began to leak from the corners of Kakashi's eye as the ANBU led him away.

"Damnit, Dobe, she beat us! That bitch be- why are you a girl?"

"No time to talk, Sasuke! Fill out these documents, then follow my lead."

"Marriage certificates? Ah..." Sasuke began forging as quickly as his Sharingan would allow him.

"Hurry..."

"Almost done... There!" Sasuke used the Sexy-jutsu, and followed Naruto down to the ground.

"Wait, officer! Where are you taking our husband?"

Kakashi began twitching. "Gk... gk... gk..."

"Wow, he's never done that before..." Naruto gasped, ignoring the deadly glare Sakura was sending toward him.

"Gk... gk gk... gk gk gk gk gk gk gk GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

* * *

"Team seven will be: Sakura Haruno, Naruto Uzumaki, and Sasuke Uchiha."

"Holy hell... What just happened?" Naruto asked.

"I think we broke Kakashi...," replied Sasuke. "Why would that trigger a loop? We didn't even die!"

"WE broke Kakashi? You STOLE my idea!" Sakura fumed.

"Alright, alright, I admit we MAY have, 'liberated' the idea from you. But we did a far better job of it," Naruto said.

"I guess this means we need a replacement bet, huh?"

"Screw that! I WON that bet! You boys just won't admit it."

"I've got it. First one to score with-" Sasuke started.

"Except Sakura has spent centuries mastering the art of the score," Naruto interrupted. "We'd lose on the spot. How long do you think it'd take you to convince Iruka to go at it right here and now, Sakura?"

"58 seconds. I did it a few loops ago, remember?"

"Dobe slept through most of that loop. I had to deal with Madara ALONE!"

"What about me?" Sakura asked.

"You had that thing, with those girls..."

"Oh, THAT's the loop you're talking about..." Naruto chimed in. "That party was GREAT."

"What the hell?! You were awake for that part, and DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HELP ME?!" Sasuke growled.

"And miss out on the biggest all-girl orgy in 800 loops? I don't think so! I had to beg my way in, but it's kinda nice being the only watering hole in the desert."

"Okay, we're losing focus. What's the new bet?" Sakura asked.

"Okay, let's see. First one to get one Sannin to kiss another one wins." Sasuke suggested.

"Ooh... That's gonna be tricky. Tsunade hates Orochimaru, and doesn't trust Jiraiya not to publish it," Naruto stated.

"Tsunade doesn't have to be involved. I just said 'Sannin'," Sasuke responded.

"Oooh... a trick we haven't pulled before... Sounds like fun!" Sakura giggled.


	12. New Intros 6

**New Intros 6**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow me to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

This group is based on a Groundhog's Day concept, if time was looping, and certain members were aware of this.

These are their insanities.

* * *

**New Loop #1:**

"All who vote we don't allow Sakura to conduct any more medical experiments without our permission and approval, raise your hands?"

Both Naruto and Sasuke did so.

"Oh, like you never did anything like this before."

Sasuke just snorted. "We didn't make pod people, T-viruses, zombie hordes, reduce everyone to LCL—"

"Quit pointing out my bad results!" she yelled as they ran. "What about my good results?"

"Oh, you mean like what?" asked Naruto, dodging an attacker, shoving a mana bolt into it, and destroying the thing. "Should we talk about the time you turned us all in Pokémon?"

"I still say you are blowing this way out of proportion."

**"Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."**

"YOU CREATED A BORG OUTBREAK, SAKURA!" yelled Naruto, several newly formed Kage Bunshin moving ahead of them to clear a path out of the village. "Hinata is their queen!"

"Oh, it was just a little—"

"HINATA!" yelled Naruto. "Do you not understand that?"

"Dobe's right," said Sasuke, using a Chidori-enhanced sword to decapitate … Danzo? "This Loop will not end well."

"Well, we survived the zombies," she said, punching an assimilated Kabuto deep into the ground.

"Yeah, because it's not like Borg nanoprobes won't adapt to handle say … a Rasengan," Naruto snorted.

"I say we cripple her next Loop and have Sai as a member," said Sasuke.

"… That's low," murmured Sakura. "You guys make me think you don't love me anymore."

"You're the one who made a Borg Queen Hinata," said Naruto, stopping as a familiar group of drones surrounded them.

Hyuuga. Assimilated Hyuuga in the first form of the Gentle Fist.

In addition, beside them was the Queen.

"Come, Naruto," she said with a smile. "Be one with me, join the Collective."

"… Sakura?"

"Yes?"

"… I've never hated you as much as I hate you right now."

Sasuke paused a bit, turning to face her. "I'm going to take a guess here. You plan to work on Omega, don't you?"

She stayed silent, before charging towards the Hyuuga Borg.

"… She is really starting to scare me, Teme."

"I think we were safer when she was a nympho."

* * *

**New Loop #2:**

"Choosing another to replace me, huh?" asked Tsunade, as she entered the tent.

"Lady Tsunade!" cried out a few people. Danzo's eye closed, his smile fading away.

"We thought you were still in a coma," stated one of the Fire Lord's men.

The Fifth Hokage snorted. "I think I'm better qualified to give my own diagnosis," she stated. "I am curious as to why you would offer my job to Danzo, a man who has cost us so much."

"Excuse me?"

"I too would like to see this … evidence," said Danzo, making a move to stand.

That move was ended as Tsunade flickered, reappearing behind him and shoving him back into his seat. "Don't leave yet, the fun's just starting," she said with an even smile.

"I'll spell it out as simply as I can," she started. "Pein was created because this man was making a pact with the Hanzō. They didn't like the movement a guy named Yahiko was making, so our dear Danzo here made a pact for his help."

"Lady Tsunade," started one of the Fire Lord's men.

"They had him kill himself, then tried to eliminate his followers, which resulted in Pein becoming the man who attacked our village."

"This is all nice conjecture on your part," said Danzo, making to stand up again, before Tsunade reappeared behind him and slammed him back in his seat.

"Fine," she said. "Since you all have such small attention spans…

"Danzo helped make Pein, Pein killed Jiraiya, Jiraiya wrote the "Icha-Icha" series.

"Therefore, you can inform the Fire Lord and the world that because of Danzo, there will be no more books." Releasing Danzo, she made her way out of the tent, enjoying the feel of the rising fear and killing intent focused behind her.

* * *

"That was cold, Naruto," smirked Sakura, as 'Tsunade' exited the tent.

"You'd think so, wouldn't you," smirked the blond, disappearing in a small blur as the shape returned to the familiar blond Anchor. "I just don't feel like dealing with his ass anymore this Loop."

"Be honest, you just did that so when Konan returns, she'll follow you around like a lost puppy, or should I say a horny Hyuuga."

"… Maybe," said Naruto as the duo left, ignoring the scream of mercy behind them.

"Man, Sasuke will be pissed he missed this."

* * *

**New Loop #3a:**

"Fine then!" Naruto yelled at the retreating figures of his team, tied to the pole at the training grounds. "I don't need any of you! I'll go make my own team, maybe my own village!"

When his senses told him they were gone, hidden Kage Bunshin not detecting anyone nearby, the Jinchuuriki smirked as he used some Force to remove the bindings.

So far, he had played the Loop as if it was the original, as if he didn't have all those cool abilities, powers, or access to technology beyond this world.

_Time for Ranma's jutsu!_

Ranma had used a combination of magic, chi, chakra, Force, and several other paths of power to take Kage Bunshin to the next level: Doppelgänger. Even with the knowledge of how to do it, you needed to be able to pull off creating ten thousand Kage Bunshin. But they were more durable than a Kage Bunshin. In effect, you created a fully functional clone, disperses when dead or desired, could be used to create a 'mental network' of sharing information and such—something Naruto still couldn't quite do but Ranma insisted he had once covered the entire Federation with them.

You created a living being, a full clone that fought as well as you, as strong as you, and was self-sustaining—at least as much as any other being.

And now Naruto was going to use it in a Loop where no one else was 'awake'.

"Well, I did warn them."

* * *

Sarutobi rubbed his forehead. "Someone stole all that food."

"Yes, Hokage-sama," said the ANBU agent.

"I see," he murmured. "Make inquiries to our suppliers. We need that food replaced. Double security in case—"

"Sir!" cried out a female ANBU member, appearing in the open doorway. "You … you need to see this."

* * *

"Are you telling me that over one night, someone constructed a whole village mockup of Konoha less than a kilometer from us and no one noticed anything until the morning?" bellowed out the Hokage, standing back from the new village's main entrance.

"We are not sure, Hokage-sama," said the lead ANBU.

"Yeah, great work," snorted Anko, there in case it was her old teacher doing this.

"Perhaps we can be of help."

Blinking, the group looked up, spotting people dressed nearly matching the Leaf ANBU.

"And you are?" asked Anko.

"We are the elite guard of the Hidden Ramen village," said their lead ANBU.

"… Someone get Kakashi and his team. Somehow, I think Naruto is behind this."

* * *

Sarutobi continued to stare in shock as his group—several ANBU, Kakashi, Anko, and Kakashi's team—made their way through the apparent Village Hidden in the Ramen.

Narutos.

Everywhere one looked, there were Naruto clones, each one dressed, hair styled, acting just like a counter-part in Leaf. He'd already seen Naruto-versions of Kakashi, Gai, and Hiashi Hyuuga, complete with Byakugan eyes.

Even the female form usually only seen in the Sexy Jutsu was done the same way for the female copies. _I really need to sit the boy down for a long psychiatric evaluation._

Of course, they might have made the trip quicker if Anko and 'Anko' weren't glaring at each other.

And how the hell did Naruto get the 'Anko' Naruto to summon snakes?

"How did Naruto do all this?" asked Sakura. "I mean, he knows Kage Bunshin, but to this level…"

"This is beyond Kage Bunshin," said Kakashi. "These are actual bodies. I'm not even aware of any technique that can do this. Were it not for how things appear to my Sharingan eye, I would have assumed it was some form of genjutsu."

"You have not suffered enough, Sasuke."

The last Uchiha stopped, turning quickly as he tossed three kunai at the voice.

The figure wearing a black robe with red clouds casually deflected them, staring at the boy with Sharingan eyes.

"My mistake," murmured 'Itachi'. "I thought you were my brother, Sasuke."

"You'll pay for this, Naruto," growled Sasuke. "I am the real Sasuke Uchiha!"

'Itachi' raised his eyebrow. "Very well then, you shall suffer as I have planned for my brother.

"Now then," he said, reaching into his robe. "Who would like to see pictures of Sasuke being potty-trained?"

"DIE!"

"Hey!" came out a very familiar voice. "We don't allow fights like that in my village!"

The group looked up, spotting what they thought was their Naruto.

"Are you the real Naruto?" asked Sarutobi.

"I'm Naruto-0 if that's what you mean," stated the blond. "See, Jiji; I made my own village! Ain't I cool!"

Goal: bankrupt Leaf. _Teach them to leave me behind. MWA HAHAHAHAHAHA!_

* * *

**New Loop #3b:**

"Are you sure we should be doing this, Brat?" asked the dog-sized Kyuubi, standing beside Naruto inside the Hidden Ramen's stadium. "These aren't normal Doppelgängers. We're taking full-tier Jinchuuriki."

Naruto just snorted. "Oh, come off it. How many times have you eaten the other Bijuu?"

"Hundreds."

"Their hosts?"

"Well, that one Loop where we came in early and somehow Orochimaru got all the other villages with them to attack, including pulling that three-tailed turtle out of the lake."

"No, it was still inside Yagura of Kirigakure, but that's beside the point," waved off Naruto. "The point is we can do this."

"You really want to create three special Jinchuuriki teams to send to the Chuunin Exams?" asked the Kyuubi. "Wasn't the Sannin team enough to mess with the Hokage?"

"Nah, that was to mess with the Sannin. You really think Orochimaru will let that slip?"

"Depends on what our Kabuto fed him," replied the fox evenly. "And why do I see the beginnings of nine Doppelgängers?"

"Well, we do need a nine-tailed demon fox," offered Naruto. "Besides, Konoha will be too busy over the next few days to try and kidnap me or invade the village."

"Oh?"

* * *

"Have we made any headway?" asked the tired Sarutobi, wishing Naruto would dispel whatever technique he was using and come home. Ever since Ramengakure had formed, it had been pure chaos in the Land of Fire. Allies were busy trying to find out why said village was informing them that Ramengakure would still honor their treaties. Missions were being lost to the fake village—how had Naruto even learned about the Sannin and how they acted when they were children?—and teams he would have sent on those missions were being sent, but often they would run into the Ramengakure counterparts doing the same mission.

Naruto had even copied Sai—the newest member on Team 7—as learned during the mission to the Land of Waves.

"No sir," said one ANBU. "Every time we try and launch an assault, we are rebuffed by … well, us."

"We should launch a full assault," stated Danzo.

"Oh really?" asked Sarutobi. "I got a report from their Kage," he said, tossing it across the desk to the elderly thorn in his side. "He busted several ROOT attempts to infiltrate his village. Care to explain?"

Danzo however was saved when a member of ANBU burst into the room, panting heavily. "Sir, what we feared has happened!"

"What is it?" asked Homura.

"Sir, a Maito Gai from Hidden Ramen has arrived to challenge the Maito Gai of Hidden Leaf!"

"… Fuck."

* * *

"Yosh!" cried 'Gai' of Ramengakure. "While I do not doubt that you seek to inspire the Flames of Youth within your village; the fires will always burn brightest in Hidden Ramen!"

"Alas, I must disagree, my hip and youthful double," said Gai of Konohagakure. "For as I have told my youthful students, only those of Konoha truly possess the Will of Fire!"

"You tell him, Gai-Sensei!" cried Lee.

"How dare you doubt the passionate words of 'Gai-Sensei'!" cried 'Lee'.

Both Neji and 'Neji' reached into their tunics, pulling out a flask, and began to drink from it. The world just wasn't ready to handle Gai and 'Gai'.

* * *

**New Loop #4:**

"Dobe, this has to be the stupidest idea you've ever concocted," stated Sasuke as he watched the platform descend, giving him his first unobstructed view of Tipoca City.

"Hey, this is a Grade-A prank here," stated Naruto.

"Did Sakura's own cloning attempts not teach you a lesson?"

"Hey, that was done by Sakura," replied Naruto. "I'm getting professional cloners here."

"Ah, so you mean in the end, you'll be professionally screwed when the shit hits the fan."

"Me?"

"I sure as hell am not claiming knowledge or responsibility for this," he muttered, waving at Naruto's package.

"Hey, it'll be funny as hell!"

"Right, while you're at it, let's clone Squirrel Girl, Madara, and Deadpool as well. I'm sure you think those are good ideas for pranks as well!"

"Well, kinda with Squirrel Girl. I mean, the Sith Lord defeated by a girl and her horde of squirrels? Come on!"

"Okay, fine, I'll grant you that one is a nice image. Not that I wanna see it mind you, but nice image."

"Hey, look at it this way, Teme," the blond Gray Jedi said with a smile, "at least I wasn't stupid enough to bring Sakura with us."

"Bring me here why?"

"Well, with their cloning technology you could—GAH!" squealed Naruto, turning around and seeing the pinkette Gray behind them. "How the hell did you get here? I scanned my ship twice!"

"Well, I just held on outside the ship," shrugged the Looping kunoichi. "And these people are advanced cloners?"

"Good going, Dobe. I didn't think Payback was faster than the speed of light."

* * *

"I know nothing, I saw nothing, and when we get back, I will fake the logs to prove I had nothing to do with this," stated Sasuke as their craft headed back towards Anime, the homeworld of the Gray Jedi.

"Hey, I think this was a field trip well spent," said Sakura. "Oh, I can't wait to come back and get my purchases."

"Why do you even have their blood samples on you?" asked Sasuke.

"Hhmph, I won't even dignify that question with an answer."

"Good," muttered Naruto, entering the bridge, "because I'm sure we'd feel much better not knowing."

"I'd like to know why you paid them in Bijuu-infused cell cultures," asked Sasuke. "We were at least offering technology to undo their planetary water issue. They loved that more than the money Sifo-Dyas was giving them."

"Hey, as a medical ninja, I need to keep working towards new discoveries."

"Sasuke, the reason probably falls under 'stuff man was not meant to know'," offered Naruto.

"Half what she does falls under that category," snorted Sasuke. "Besides, how are these clones of Ranma's two forms a prank?"

"I sorta had the 'no fraternization' block removed from them."

Sasuke could only blink. "Okay, so it will be an ongoing hell you've created for yourself. So if I may ask, what did Ranma do to deserve this stupid prank?"

"The last Fused Loop, he hit me with some Nyannīchuan, so I spent the next few Loops with a Jusenkyo curse."

The Uchiha paused at that. "Wait, Jusenkyo curses incurred during a Loop only last for the length of the Loop. How the hell did that curse last longer than one Loop. And come to think of it, didn't you develop a jutsu to do something similar?"

"I'll have you know I worked very hard to alter that magical matrix to last longer than one lousy Loop," stated Sakura.

"Wait; it was you?" screamed Naruto.

"Duh, as if Ranma would play around with Jusenkyo," Sakura said without concern.

"So basically Dobe screwed himself for no reason."

"Basically."

"… Teme, can we go back and cancel my order?"

"Nope, because you made them agree not to cancel it and ignore any calls from you until the date we know the Clone Wars will start," smirked Sasuke.

"And besides, you have any idea what I could learn after seeing their techniques in action with so many subjects?" asked Sakura.

"… Way to go, Dobe; you gave her more things to play with."

"… This whole trip never happened!" Naruto stated rapidly.

"Jedi mind tricks won't work on us."

"How about bribes?"

* * *

**New Loop #5:**

"You know," muttered Sasuke, "if I hadn't seen you personally do stuff more stupid than this, I would be pretty shocked right now, maybe even worried."

"You're not worried?" asked Sakura.

"I'm not the one facing Lee," he replied.

Looping again, the trio was in the second half of the second stage of the Chuunin Exam, meant to reduce the number of competitors to less than ten for the final exam. Thankfully—not to mention some Kage Bunshin with excellent hacking skills—the 'random' selections for the fights were proceeding as they had in the first Loop.

"It isn't that bad," stated Naruto, as the 'youthful drink' he offered Lee began to show itself.

"Naruto," said Gai, "exactly what was in that youthful energy elixir you offered my young charge?"

"Oh, one part energy drink good to revitalize the spirit and body and one part…" he paused, drawing out the tension. "I forget, but the bartender called it a Jägerbomb."

"I have never heard of—wait, did you say 'bartender'?" asked Gai, paling.

"Yeah," said Naruto. "You won't believe what ninjutsu goes on in a bar!"

"Yosh!" cried out the drunken Lee, wobbling on the field. "Yo-you remind me of someone," he said, pointing to the left of Gaara.

Gaara just stared, not sure how he was to proceed, as the boy was not acting like any drunk he had run across before. The match hadn't even begun and his opponent was about to collapse.

"Well, it'll be an interesting fight," muttered Sakura.

"I'll say," smirked Naruto, holding up the empty liter bottle Lee had drank from.

Sighing, Sasuke activated his Sharingan. It was like a train wreck you could see coming, you couldn't look away.

* * *

**New Loop #6:**

"My first impression of you is… Where is the third member of your team?" asked Kakashi.

"He never showed up, Sensei," muttered Sakura.

**"Damn it, Naruto!"** raged Inner Sakura. **"You better not have cost me my chance to be with Sasuke-kun because you're skipping our meeting!"**

Kakashi just sighed. "Okay, our first mission will be to track down your missing team member." _Funny, I wonder where he is. I thought his profile stated he'd never miss this._

* * *

_Meanwhile, in a random anonymous swamp, the Hall of Doom raised itself from the watery floor._

"Must it say that every time we have a meeting?" asked Gaara.

Naruto shrugged. "No clue, I got this place off a friend a while ago." _Damn you, Saotome; I knew I should have kept the receipt._

"Hall of Doom?" asked Yugito, container of the two-tailed Bijuu.

"Fitting title according to those who know of us," muttered Rōshi, holder of the four-tailed Bijuu.

"Better place to hang out than some of our villagers," groused Utakata, the container of the six-tailed Bijuu.

"And why is he at the head position of the table?" Fū asked, container of the seven-tailed Bijuu.

"Hello!" waved Naruto. "Nine-tailed Bijuu here! And I provided this place, even gave you guys a way to get here so Akatsuki can't capture you."

"Who?" asked Yugito.

"Fill you in later," said Killer Bee. _Damn black fire spewing bastards…_

"So, exactly what will we be doing this Loop?" asked Garra.

"Loop?" asked Fū.

"Eh," waved off Naruto. "The last people who owned this place conceived of half-baked plots to rule the world."

"So you want fully baked plots to rule the world and need us to do it?" asked Yagura, container of the three-tails.

"More like to mess with those who seek to use our power for their own benefits," offered Naruto.

"Ya mean mind-fuck the assholes," restated Killer Bee.

"Ah," said Gaara. "As long as we do not need to wear weird costumes to hide our identities so we are not hunted down."

Naruto paused as he reached under his podium. "Define 'weird costumes'?" he asked, wondering if his second purchase from Saotome was going to be another bad investment.

* * *

**New Loop #7:**

"I don't know about this, Dobe," whispered Sasuke.

"Come on, Teme, it'll be fun!"

"That's what you said about the last Loop," growled the Uchiha.

"Oh, you enjoyed yourself. I heard they even made you the main attraction for their fertility festival. You always wanted to rebuild your clan."

"They were going to sacrifice my reproductive organs to their Gods!"

"Well, it's your own fault for going down to a planet even Kirk was weary of."

"I fail to see—"

"Kirk!" exclaimed Naruto. "The man who put STD in Deep Space Travel!"

"… Fine," growled Sasuke. He should have noticed something then. "But how often do you run into bipedal women with three breasts?"

"Not so rarely that I'll go to a planet where they sacrifice male genitals," he offered, as he poured more water into the vials. "Now stop whining like an emo and help me! This will be my best prank ever!"

"I thought your best prank ever was using genjutsu so Orochimaru and Jiraiya made out during the Chuunin Exam."

"That was Sakura. I don't do yaoi."

"This prank says differently."

Naruto just glared at the Uchiha, an evil smile forming on his face.

"Do it, Dobe; and I Chidori your head, resetting the Loop and costing you the prank."

"Damn it."

* * *

Kakashi blinked as he sat in the bar, wondering why people were gawking at him. Ever since his new genin team had passed, he felt different, off balance.

But some _Icha-Icha_ and some rice wine, he'd feel perfect.

"Nice rack, kakashi," smirked Anko, sitting beside him. "Learned the blond brat's jutsu?"

"Huh?" he asked.

Anko just blinked as she stared at him. "You're henged into a female version of yourself."

Kakashi blinked and looked down.

"NARUTO!"

* * *

"How exactly did you get away with that?" asked Sasuke.

"Because Permanent Jusenkyo water has no chakra, nor could he tie it into me." Naruto stated. "Though he insisted I teach him my Sexy Jutsu so he could look normal. Plus, I gave him a reasonable enemy to target, since as Dead Last I could never have done such a thing."

Sasuke groaned as he rested his head in his hands. "The one-armed nin?"

"The one-armed nin," Naruto nodded.

Well, Kakashi had to leave," said Sakura, walking up to the two. "Some one-armed nin struck again.

"And since I know that bullshit excuse, what is the prank and why wasn't I invited?"

"Because you and the phrase 'small scale' don't get along," snorted Naruto.

"I can help too!" she stated.

"Fine," said Naruto, tossing her one vial. "Impress me."

* * *

"I'm impressed," Naruto admitted, watching a top-heavy Haku try to defeat Sasuke.

"Does that happen to all males?"

Naruto nodded. "I think Jusenkyo was created by a pervert. Kami knows what else that type of person could have created."

* * *

"SWEETO!" rang a cry through the Hidden Mist.

"The intruder has groped the Mizukage! KILL HIM!"


	13. New Intros 7

**New Intros 7**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow me to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

This group is based on a Groundhog's Day concept, if time was looping, and certain members were aware of this.

These are their insanities.

* * *

**New Loop #1:**

Naruto sighed as time restarted, his eyesight once again focusing on Iruka's classroom. Sending out a weak pulse of chakra that only those awake in the Loops would be sensitive to and respond likewise.

Nothing.

_Great,_ he thought in relief. It was so rare nowadays to be in the Loop by himself. Of course at any time, one of the others could 'awaken'.

However, until then…

"Move it, Naruto!"

Blinking at that statement, he turned, spotting the angry visage of a pinkette and blond, waiting for him to say or do something. _Oh right, I sat by Sasuke before the team assignments were handed out. Man, has it really been that long…_

"Well?" growled Sakura.

Letting out a put-upon sigh—remembering just how annoying Sakura was at times, Looping or not—he stood up and made his way towards Hinata's seat.

An unsaid rule of the Loops: if you wake up alone and no other Loopers near you; strike hard and strike fast, let the chaos you sow warm your heart.

In addition, there was little he could do at the moment that would cause the chaos he was about to release. It was so much fun to blow the minds of his classmates. "Hey, Hinata?"

"Y-Y-Yes, N-Naruto-kun?" the Hyuuga heiress stuttered, face blushing.

"Could you stand up for a moment?" he asked, smiling innocently.

Nodding, she slowly stood up, unsure what was happening.

Sitting down in her chair, Naruto slowly pulled her onto his lap—asking always resulted in said Hyuuga passing out, he wrapped his arms around her waist. "Wanna make-out till Iruka-sensei gets here?" he asked, wagging his eyebrows at her.

Gulping as her face deeply flushed to a red deeper than the color of Sakura's dress, her Byakugan activated, wanting to make sure this was Naruto and not some sad trick.

It was. As a result, her bloodline deactivated and her heart rate tripled.

Smiling, Naruto moved for a kiss he had as often as he could.

* * *

Opening the door to the classroom, Iruka noticed how quiet it was.

That was never a good sign. Deciding that his best bet was to strike hard and regain control from whatever or more likely whoever had taken it. "Okay class, settle down so I can give out your team assign—NARUTO!"

"… Yeah?" asked the Looping Genin as he removed his lips from Hinata's. The entire classroom had been staring at the couple in shock, not sure how to take this newest social development.

"What are you doing?" Iruka demanded, wondering if he could get a message to the Hokage before the Hyuuga clan tried to kill Naruto for taking such liberties.

"Making-out with Hinata," he said casually.

One student began ranting about how Naruto noticing something like that was the sign of the apocalypse and went screaming out of the classroom. A few girls began to quietly murmur, commenting on what they witnessed.

Two particular Sasuke-otaku were torn between yelling at Naruto for doing such a thing in public and mimicking what he had done to try to achieve the same result with Sasuke.

Naruto forced an innocent smile on his face as he started to massage Hinata's back. It was so rare after all that he was the one who could corrupt her.

Strike hard and strike fast.

* * *

**New Loop #2:**

"Why are you smiling, Dobe?" asked Sasuke as the trio took their spot on the catwalks overlooking the arena that would conclude the second part of the Chuunin Exam.

"Flirting, Teme; might want to look into it if you ever want to attempt to rebuild your clan someday," casually replied Naruto, sending a Sound kunoichi scampering away in a fit of giggles.

"Baka-Naruto, of course Sasuke knows how to flirt!" Sakura bellowed, defending her crush.

Snorting, the Uchiha gave a disdainful glaze towards the retreating kunoichi. Didn't the Dobe learn about enemy seduction?

But then his sight caught something else, the flirting gaze of the Sand kunoichi towards … Naruto. _What the hell…?_

Casting a quick glance around, the pain of Orochimaru's seal forgotten, as it seemed every kunoichi aside from Sakura was casting heated glances towards the orange menace. None it made sense. Sure, the blond had disappeared a lot during the exam, bringing back several scrolls.

But the reactions indicated he had seduced them. Did Naruto really have such skills, skills he had hidden so well, no one even suspected.

Naruto just smiled as he watched Sasuke brood over what he now understood and Sakura slowly make the connections as she spotted Ino staring at the blonde, not the Uchiha. Normally, he didn't seek out female attention, as such usually led to Loops or pain and rug burns, splinters where they should never be, and insane fathers who would try to avenge their daughters.

_Hell, not as if I knocked them up or anything,_ he internally grumbled as he blew a kiss towards Tenten.

But the important thing was that it was a side the others had not seen of him. So it would get his teammates and Sensei distracted on wondering what else Naruto had hidden.

Poor Kiba or whichever genin they paired him against; they were the first demonstration.

_Shinji was right, I forgot how much fun it is just to simply fuck with the minds of other people. Tee-hee!_

* * *

**New Loop #3:**

"Mitarashi-san!"

Anko paused on her path to retrieve some dango and sake, turning to spot the source of the voice she would see burn in hell if it was another kid asking her stupid questions they had heard from their parents about 'the snake bitch'.

Instead, she saw a blond in a bright neon-orange jumpsuit with a Konoha hitai-ate. _Either he's really good or cannon fodder._ "What is it, brat?"

"The Hokage wanted me to find and deliver this to you," Naruto replied, handing her a scroll. "He said to make sure you open and read it as soon as you get it, or he'll spread the word that you're not to be allowed alcohol anywhere in the village."

She was now leaning towards the former, as that statement would normally make her make sure the kid had enough mental scars to outdo a veteran ANBU if she didn't like what she read.

Opening the scroll, she read the contents. "Kunoichi training tactics class," she murmured.

It seemed the Hokage had taken a long look at the teaching techniques of the Academy after Mizuki's capture, discovering that the kunoichi training had been severely lacking.

She snorted at that. She'd been telling Kurenai for years that the girls couldn't seduce their way out of a wet paper bag.

Actually, the letter mentioned how the blond brat in front of her knew more seduction techniques and how to apply them than any of the current batch of Genin. _You know no matter what, you are __**so**__ telling me how you figured that out, Old Man._

The kunoichi had been gathered at Training Ground 19 and were awaiting her arrival, as the Hokage felt she would be the only teacher that wouldn't be embarrassed to teach such topics.

True, it was a teaching job, but at least it wasn't a group of Academy brats.

It was just one level higher.

_Oh well, best they learn it now. I mean, how is flower arranging going to help them find a male target at his weakest? The best way always means ensuring he can't escape because his pants are around his ankles._

Sighing as dango and drinking were being put off for a while longer while she dealt with crushing the fairytale dreams of a bunch of teenage kunoichi, she turned towards the annoying male nin. "So brat, wanna come?" she asked with an innocent smile. "I need an assistant to help with this class I gotta teach." She did owe him some mental scarring anyway.

"Nah, I can't possibly help," Naruto waved off. "I'm just a Kage Bunshin." And with a small puff of smoke, he disappeared.

"Nice," she murmured. That young and yet that good with that kinjutsu… "Oh, I'll find him later. He could be interesting."

* * *

Naruto blinked as the memories of his clone arrived in his mind. "Well then, let's see how Sasuke-otaku react to learning better ways to hunt the rare and elusive emo," he said with a dark chuckle.

**"You do realize, brat; that you have set her on your case now."**

Naruto just shrugged. Sometimes sacrifices had to be made for the advancement of humor. Besides, after a Loop running from Bondage Queen Hinata, Anko was a cakewalk.

* * *

**New Loop #4:**

Naruto sighed as his team traveled through the desert of Hueco Mundo towards the palace that was Las Noches.

"I hate sand."

"We know that already, Shikamaru," groaned Sasuke Uchiha, who had replaced Renji Abarai. He turned slightly to the replaced Quincy. "You've only said it for the last fifteen minutes.

"I find this all very fun!" squealed Tsunade, the replacement for Yasutora Sado, A.K.A. Chad, enjoying her age-reduced state.

Personally, Naruto thought she would replace the Second Espada, Barragan Luisenbarn; but he'd rather not end this Loop with her fist occupying the space his skull should be. That hurt, damn it!

Therefore, he kept his mouth shut.

"So, what now, Dobe?" asked Sasuke, looking at the palace still off in the distance. "Do we meet Nel or whoever replaced her in the Loop?"

Naruto just shrugged. "No clue. For all I know, we ended up on the other side of the stupid place. I'm half tempted just to use teleportation and skip the walk.

"That would not be a youthful act!"

The travelers paused, paling.

"Oh God no," whimpered Sakura, who had replaced Rukia Kuchiki.

"YOSH!" came a cry as a mound of sand parted, revealing an Arrancar … in a green robe. "I cannot allow intruders into the palace of Lord Aizen. I, the Fifth Espada, Maito Gai, shall stop you in Lord Aizen's glorious and youthful name!"

"Yes, Gai-Sensei!" came a nearby cry as three figures appeared from behind him. "We shall show these Shinigami intruders our fires of youth in honor of Lord Aizen!"

"Yes, Lee!" replied Gai. "Come, my youthful Fracción, let us explode upon the enemies of Hueco Mundo with our power of youth!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"Did a sunset and waves just form behind them?" asked Tsunade. "In the middle of a desert? Do Arrancar even know Genjutsu?"

"Seriously, Dobe, I hate this Loop. It makes my eyes bleed," sighed Sasuke, rubbing his forehead.

"At least Tobi isn't an Arrancar," offered Sakura.

"Gai-Sempai! Aizen-sama has sent Tobi to help!" came the cry from a running figure as it approached them; the number '9' visible even from that distance.

"You had to say it, didn't you?" glared Sasuke.

"If it wouldn't doom us, I'd vote we go back," muttered Naruto. He hated Partially Fused Loops like this.

"Kill us, please," whispered Neji.

* * *

**New Loop #5:**

"I hate this Loop," muttered Naruto.

"Eiken," replied Sasuke.

"… I love this Loop!" shouted Naruto with as much false cheer as he could create.

"Oh, give it up, Dobe," sighed Sasuke. "We are the only three awake, no other Anchors or such here, no chance of having a Fifth Hokage named Usagi."

The trio shivered at those memories.

"Sakura has yet to commit a crime against nature."

"I'll have you know I haven't done that for almost a century," she huffed.

"We don't have any analogs here," continued Sasuke, his fingers signaling that he was pretending to play the world's smallest violin, "and as far as we recall, this is just a basic Loop."

"I was hoping for a Fused Loop," Naruto replied with a sigh. "I miss everyone."

"You miss chaos on a grand scale and trying to outdo Saotome in something," Sasuke replied back.

"Hey! I could have a solar system hidden in a subspace pocket if I wanted to!"

"Not with that sort of attitude," muttered Sakura, trying to obtain such herself. Experimenting was such a bore unless you could conduct some long-term ones. Sometimes, centuries were just not enough to understand the limits of nature.

Sasuke worked on his breathing. The last Fused Loop, a doctor had instructed him to work on reducing his stress.

His teammates certainly were not helping.

"So, what do we do this Loop?" asked Naruto.

"We must destroy the Moon!" cackled Sakura.

"No; just … no," muttered Sasuke. "Do you have any idea what sort of chaos and natural destruction that causes?"

"Yes, Naruto's done it before."

Blinking, he turned back to the Jinchuuriki Anchor.

"Hey, in my defense, I was dealing with your ancestor at the time. I had no idea he planned to use my body as an amplifier for his power since he couldn't get Kyuubi out.

"And seriously, the Moon!" Naruto ranted.

"We can't all have dead ancestors, Dobe," Sasuke stated. "Now we need a plan for the Loop."

"Fine," sighed Naruto. "Wheel O' Pranks or random personality shifts?"

"Nah, been done too much lately," replied Sasuke.

"Original run-through?" asked Sakura.

"Nah, too boring," sighed Naruto. "And besides, we always end up dealing with Ibiki before the Exams because we act like we are our Prime selves."

"Man, have we really … done everything?" asked Sasuke.

"Nah, we still have plenty of options," said Naruto. "We just need to be creative."

"Please no mecha," begged Sasuke. "I'm still having flashbacks of Big O."

The others shivered as well. That had been a very … scarring Loop.

"Well, we gotta be ninja," sighed Naruto. "We can't just give up and become civilians. I really don't want to stress the odds that we'd end up here for another century."

"Could always go for a Jedi Loop," replied Sakura. "We can still follow the standard Loop, Sasuke can go Sith."

"Why do I have to let Orochimaru give me a hickey?" said Uchiha growled. "I am simply not comfortable doing it."

"Because he thinks you have such 'perdy eyes'," Sakura finished with a hillbilly accent.

"Let him bite Naruto."

"Oh yeah, cause that always ends well," complained the blond. "Need I remind you of the great Chakra Fire Loop."

"You have much more control now."

"Can we just get back to the topic at hand?" pleaded Sasuke, wondering if when he was 'abducted' this Loop, he could disappear to a nice tropical destination. It wasn't as if he didn't know where the Snake Sannin kept his accounts, or couldn't get a job.

* * *

Kakashi just blinked as he looked at his three potential students. Each one was wearing brown robes, odd metal cylinders at their sides, and … floating in a meditative position a foot off the ground. "My first impression of you is … that I need an exorcist." This was certainly **not** within their files.

"We are simply communing with the Force," replied Sakura in a kind tone. "As ninja, we will regularly be exposed to the Dark Side, and as thus, should be ready to ensure we do not fall to it."

"Already I have learned the error of my ways with the Sexy Jutsu," replied Naruto. "Porn has no hold over us, for it leads to the Dark Wanking side."

Kakashi's one eye narrowed. "You fail."

"But we have yet to take the standard exam to determine if we are capable of using teamwork," replied Sasuke.

"You FAIL!"

"We shall need to meet with the Hokage," calmly replied Naruto.

"He will stop you!"

"The Dark Side has their hooks in him," commented Sakura.

* * *

**New Loop #6:**

"Come with us," stated Itachi.

Naruto blinked as reality solidified, his mind telling him where and when he was. He had arrived this time during his outing to retrieve Tsunade. Right now, he had Itachi and Kisame before him, trying to take him to get Kyuubi sucked out of his gut.

Well, he was a fox…

"Sorry, but I ain't gonna be used as bait just because Ero-Sennin slept with your wives."

"… Excuse me?" asked Itachi, Sharingan-eyes narrowed.

"You're here because the Pervy Sage slept with someone you're related to or know, right?"

"Can I just cut his legs off?" asked Kisame.

"Listen, Flipper," growled Naruto, "I don't care who he slept with; I am not going to pay just because my godfather is a man-whore," stated Naruto.

"We seek what you carry within you," stated Itachi.

"… I knew that ramen was special!" exclaimed Naruto, pounding his right fist into his open left palm. "Did someone sneak some code or battle plans into it?"

"We refer to the Kyuubi no Yoko," stated Itachi.

"Oh, he got out weeks ago," waved off Naruto. "I am not responsible if he knocked up, killed, or owes money to you or your family members."

"Feh," sneered Kisame. "I like this kid."

"You will come with us one way or another," claimed Itachi.

Naruto snorted. "Right, like you're the first nut job in a red cloud cloak to say that.

"If I didn't listen to that one who wanted to share his pain with me, his girl who liked handing out paper cuts, the weird plant-guy who talked to himself, the blond nut who always talked about his art and ended his sentences is 'yeah', the freak who talked about Jashin, the pale guy asking if I knew where some free hearts were and how much money I had on me, the creepy guy shorter than me who wanted to show me his 'puppet', and the last nut with the orange mask claiming to be Madara Uchiha who would use the moon to create world peace, what chance is there I'll listen to you?" Naruto asked.

"Because we're S-class missing nin," stated Itachi.

"Yeah, you keep telling yourselves that," waved off Naruto. "I've seen the Konoha Council naked in daylight. S-class nin aren't scary to me."

"Naruto!"

Blinking, he looked down the hall, spotting Sasuke out of breath. _Great, he's not awake yet._ "Careful, Sasuke! I think they want our bodies like that Orochimaru-asshole. The fish-guy's been eyeing me like your fangirls eye you!"

Well, it was safe to say Jiraiya was not going to get his security deposit back from this inn.

* * *

**New Loop #7:**

"Begin!" commanded Ibiki, as the Chuunin hopefuls began to take the test.

Sighing, Naruto stood up and made his way to the desk.

"You got something to say?" asked the Special Jounin.

Naruto just smiled, a smile that creeped Ibiki out.

* * *

The class just stared as Naruto walked back to his seat, test answers in hand.

Ibiki was laying on his desk, blood dripping out his nose, eyes crossed, and a glazed look on his face.

"That counts as one, right?" asked Naruto, looking at one of the proctors?

Why cheat when a Kyuubi-powered Sexy Genjutsu would work just as well. Now he could take a nap.

* * *

**New Loop #8:**

"Dobe?"

"Yeah, Teme?"

"Why is there a giant floating city in the middle of this lake?" asked Sasuke, feeling a major migraine coming on.

"Oh, well in the last Loop, I had to help Ranma with something," stated Naruto with a smile.

That told the Looping Uchiha two things. One was that Naruto had just come from a Fused Loop, one the Sasuke himself hadn't been a part of.

The other was that the something Naruto had helped Ranma with was probably something Naruto himself had caused. "What happened?" he asked, not wanting to know.

"I can't really say," replied Naruto. "But if you ever have a metal cube called the All-Spark, never drop it on something called a Death Star."

He was right, he really didn't want to know that. "And he gave you this floating city as payment."

"Yep!" Naruto replied cheerfully. "He was impressed that I was so close to creating a thousand Doppelgangers and creating a near moon-sized subspace pocket to maintain."

Personally, Sasuke never understood the reasoning behind acquiring so much power, one had to spend it to maintain a pocket universe. Then again, unlike Naruto, he could ascend if he had to struggle to maintain his current existence. Of course, it could be that he wasn't sleeping with some Goddesses nor had several beings of power to funnel energy into him.

_You know, I wonder why no one from our Yggdrasil comes to try to seduce me. Hell, you think one would have made a pass at Dobe, or at least come for a romp when Sakura was in her slut-phase._

But such thoughts were for later. "And he left you something to power this … place?" he asked.

"It isn't some place, I call it … Ramen City!"

"… Of course, you do," he muttered, wondering if you could have a stroke from sheer stupidity.

"And he told me I could power it up with this remote right here," said Naruto, holding said crystalline item and pressing the big red button.

"And you made certain he left no surprises in there, like payback for having a hundred thousand clones made of him with the sexual inhibitions of Sakura."

"…" was Naruto's reply as glowing yellow dots seemed to rise from the central spire of the Ancient City-ship and come towards them.

"Later, Dobe," Sasuke quickly spoke as he teleported away, wondering if he would get to keep the ship after whatever Saotome had set up was done with Naruto, even if it meant being weak as pre-Genin Sakura for a few Loops.

* * *

**New Loop #9:**

Gaara blinked as time rest. _Naruto was right, that feeling … is very annoying._

"Well," muttered Kankuro, looking at the remains of the enemy forces they had been hired to deal with, "what now?"

"We are to head back to Suna," replied Baki.

Gaara ignored all this, trying to recall what if anything was special about this area. He had no desire to return to Suna so soon—apparently, Kazekages never got a vacation, so part of him now understood why his father always seemed to have the preverbal boulder up his ass.

Nodding his head as he recalled the mission as well as a very nice seaside town they would have to pass through to return to Suna, Gaara smiled.

"Everything okay, Gaara?" asked Temari, having been the only one to see her youngest brother's smile, and hoping it didn't mean he wanted more blood.

"Yes, Temari," he replied, as his sand reformed into his gourd he used before the last Loop ended. "I believe when we get to the seaside town, we shall stop."

"The Kazekage wished for us to return immediately so we can prepare for the upcoming Chuunin Exams in Konoha," replied Baki.

"And I should care what he wants … why?" asked Gaara. "I am covered in sand and blood. I want a day off, a hot bath, and a dancing naked girl or ten."

"We should listen to Gaara," replied Kankuro.

Temari glared at her eldest brother. "You just want to follow what he said because he wants to see strippers."

"Assuming he doesn't kill them, yes," honestly replied the puppet user. "And aside from that, Jinchuuriki," he growled, pointing to Gaara. "You wanna upset him?"

"This has nothing to do with Shukaku," replied Gaara as he set off. "I need a vacation before I deal with father's foolishness." Not that Gaara had any plan to save his father, especially with how his father had treated him. At least Naruto's dad had the decent sense to use himself as a sacrifice to seal the Kyuubi in his son.

"And just who will pay for all of that?" asked Temari.

Several strands of sand lashed towards Gaara from the dead corpses, carrying wallets and jewelry with them.

"To the victor goes the spoils," the container replied as he continued to walk away.

Sighing, Temari rubbed her forehead. "I'm surrounded by perverts."

"I prefer to think I have a healthy hormone issue for someone my age and my emotional baggage," Gaara replied with a smirk as he continued forward.

"The Kazekage will be most displeased," offered Baki.

"All the more reason to do it," replied Gaara. "Now come, I hunger," he said, pausing as he sensed the nervousness of those behind him, "for ramen."

He ignored their face-faults. That had to have hurt.

* * *

**New Loop #10:**

"Well, this sucks," muttered one Sasuke Kage Bunshin, as he manned the tactical station, continuing to provide cover fire for escaping shuttlecraft as they departed from the _U.S.S Kelvin_.

"This wouldn't have happened if one of us had gone over instead of Sakura," replied the Naruto Kage Bunshin, piloting the ship to give it the best firing solutions and avoid any more impacts.

"I still say this isn't my fault," replied the Sakura Kage Bunshin, working the engineering station.

"Really?" asked Naruto. "You go over to the poor man's Borg Jellyfish ship, under a Henge to be the captain, and after speaking to their leader for less than a minute, they start firing on us again. What do you call it?"

"Hey, my shuttlecraft didn't self-destruct until long after that," Sakura fired back. "And who was the one that was whining 'oh no, another Star Trek Loop, how boring will this be?'

"You tempted Fate!"

"I did not," said Sasuke, dodging to the side a meter as a support beam came down where he had been standing. "I was simply saying that while in this Pseudo-Loop, that we would probably not have that much excitement."

"Oh, I know a few exciting things," murmured Sakura.

"Even with Yggdrasil allowing us to breed in this Loop, I still wouldn't touch you, Sakura," offered Naruto.

"Agreed," replied Sasuke, cursing the fact that the ship's weapons weren't doing any real damage to the ship in front of them.

"Well that's not fair!" she cried, slapping the station when it started blinking, which oddly enough fixed it.

"Oh, get a God or something," snorted Sasuke. "We studied the Pantheons in the standard Yggdrasil setup. I figure a few Greek ones would love you."

"With friends like you, was it any wonder when I 'awoke', I sought the comfort from strange men?"

"And women," replied Sasuke.

"Any intelligent being, really," supplied Naruto. "And our aversion has nothing to deal with your old nympho self."

"Correct," replied Sasuke. "It is because we don't trust you **not** to experiment on us."

"Too true," cheered Naruto.

**"Warning: impact in fifty-seven seconds."**

"Didn't we shut that off?" asked Sasuke.

"Blame a damaged subsystem on Deck Five," replied Sakura. "Well … I guess I could always help initiate James T. Kirk into the pleasures of the flesh," she offered. "His father was definitely a hottie."

"… There goes the timeline," the male Kage Bunshins murmured at the same time.

"I'm hurt, really," Sakura snorted with sarcasm.

"So, what now?" asked Sasuke. "We're out of torpedoes and the phaser banks are just about dry."

"We set the containments fields on the anti-matter to drop a microsecond after impact to create a really big bang," Naruto replied, trying to think of anything else he could add to increased the explosive yield of the ship.

"Well, this stint as a clone sucks," spat Sakura.

"We're Kage Bunshin: the cannon fodder of the universe," replied Naruto with a smile, before opening a channel to the attacking ship.

When an image appeared, he quickly applied a Henge to look like Deidara. "Art is an explosion, yeah!"

And with that, the Federation Starship collided with the _Narada_.

* * *

Onboard one of the fleeing shuttles, the three Looping Konoha ninjas blinked.

"So … that's what being between an exploding starship and another one is like," replied Sakura.

Sasuke just turned towards Naruto. "Deidara? Really?"

"Hey, I felt the moment called for it."

* * *

**New Loop #11:**

"There is only one good thing as far as I am concerned, about looping into this … Federation," Sasuke stated, as they took leave on Starbase 13, "is the ability to avoid certain people."

Sakura snorted as she partook of her meal. "You have no sense of adventure anymore."

"I prefer to think of it as having a finely tuned instinct of self-preservation," the Uchiha replied. "Why do you think I chose Security?"

"Because you didn't want to be a Red Shirt and you haven't got the patience for Medical," replied Sakura, pointing at her own blue outfit.

"Hey, I wear red."

"You used Tsukuyomi on a gas entity," replied Sakura blandly. "As Loopers, we could survive a horror movie after meeting the killer several times. Hell, we survived what Naruto referred to as the Final Destination Loop."

"Please, that shinigami was a whiny little brat who couldn't accept a loss," Sasuke spat.

"You used Tsukuyomi to make him experience seventy two hours in an Eiken Loop."

"I stand by my decision."

"I swear, ever since Naruto showed you how to fix the degeneration that caused, you use it for everything."

"I have a career to think about."

"You're only advancing because everyone else dies."

"Hey, it works. You're just pissed that medical staff don't die every mission."

"… Touché."

Their conversation paused as they saw their teammate and friend enter the lounge, looking exhausted, emaciated, and haunted.

"I think Dobe pulled a Kirk," sighed Sasuke.

"Can we even say that?" wondered Sakura. "Last I heard; he was just entering the Academy."

"It just means we're ahead of the trend," replied Sasuke as Naruto collapsed into the available seat.

"Foooooood," Naruto moaned.

"What did you sleep with, Dobe?" asked Sasuke, showing no concern.

"… Food?" he asked quietly.

Shaking her head sadly, Sakura put in an order at their table's computer terminal. "On the way; now, what happened?"

Naruto slowly looked up, sniffling a bit, as he turned towards her. "Remember how I was wondering if we had an Yggdrasil?"

"I still say there is only one," Sakura replied.

"Nah, you have infinitesimal dimensions up to ten," replied Sasuke. "Starting at eleven, they are supposed to be larger than a universe. Since Yggdrasil is based in ten, that means it is one per reality."

"Then why did only one connect to warn Naruto?" asked Sakura, being diverted from the now moaning blond.

Sasuke just shrugged. "Just because I use techniques named after them doesn't mean I know what they are thinking." Turning back to the now rapidly feasting Jinchuuriki, he decided to motion for Naruto to continue.

It took the blond half a minute to regain the strength to do so, and another before Sasuke set Naruto's chopsticks ablaze via Amaterasu to further incite Naruto to continue.

"Well, I met one from our world," he said quietly.

Sakura snorted. "Took them long enough. You'd think they had better things to do than occasionally chat with the people keeping them and all of existence in our universe alive."

"So, who was it?" asked Sasuke.

"Well, apparently our Yggdrasil is somewhat similar to the others; we have mainly what Ranma referred to as Asian deities."

Sakura nodded. "As expected. I'm still trying to figure out how we have a Korean Beef restaurant but no Korea on our planet."

"Sakura, focus," stated Sasuke. "Well, Dobe, who'd you meet and tap uglies with?"

"… Inari."

"… You slept with the bridge-builder's grandson?"

"Oh, yaoi!" smirked Sakura.

"No, the Goddess," Naruto quickly amended. "She's a Japanese goddess of fertility, rice, agriculture, foxes, industry and worldly success and one of the principal kami of Shinto," he stated woodenly.

"… Are you sure this wasn't the Kyuubi playing tricks on you?" asked Sakura, still angling for some yaoi.

"Wait; isn't she usually represented as male, female, or androgynous?" Sasuke asked. "Dobe, did you sleep with a gender bender—OW!" he finished, looking behind him to see a redheaded woman, wearing a robe with apple blossoms covering it … and nine fox tails behind her, some wrapped around her waist.

Did he mention her robe displayed ample cleavage?

"I am absolutely, one hundred percent, female," Inari replied, putting her fan into her sleeve, having used it to whack Sasuke.

"You're a fox, known shape-shifters," replied Sasuke. "And don't you have like … a ton of forms you have appeared to people in?"

Inari snorted. "When you look like this, is it wise to appear like it to a blacksmith?"

Thinking for a moment about the possible injuries, Sasuke could only nod in agreement.

"And the nine tails?" asked Sakura.

"What? Where you expecting ten? Besides, the Kyuubi prefers blood-red coloring. I prefer a light reddish-brown," Inari spoke as she sat down close to Naruto, who looked almost fearful at her.

"Not really," Sakura shrugged. "I guess I just assumed the only mortal any Goddess wanted to nail was Saotome."

"Well, in a way, it is thanks to him I finally took a chance on my foxy little mortal," smirked the Goddess, as she cuddled into the man's side.

"W-what?" squeaked Naruto.

"Well, he propositioned that some of the Gods might want to start spending time with you mortals, especially since the odds are the lot of you will ascend when the Loops end. As such, we should ensure there are no issues between us."

"… This has got to be more payback from the clones, Dobe."

"Teme, that was thousands of years ago!" Naruto stated.

"Ah yes, my clone troopers," murmured Sakura with a smile. "Good times, good … sticky … fulfilling times."

"… I see your point," muttered Naruto sadly. Who knew what horrors Sakura had unleashed on her clone troopers?

Not that they would ask. What are you, crazy? There is a reason such a phrase, 'man was not meant to know', exists.

"So wait, the Gods on the respective Loop universes are what; setting up dates now?" asked Sasuke, almost fearful about who he might attract.

Inari nodded. "I heard the local Peorth in Mr. Potter's reality is going to pursue him. She believed he loves French accents and she finds his English accent very cute."

"Well … that can't end well," muttered Sasuke.

"There are also some discussions about ones that might like a few dates with you all," Inari responded, not noticing Sakura's look of interest and Sasuke's paling features.

"How come I didn't get an option for dating first?" asked Naruto.

"Because I took the advice from Skuld in Saotome's universe and made my intentions clear," Inari responded. "Are you saying I am not good enough for you?" The aura of darkness around her was a good indication of her mood.

"N-n-no!" Naruto replied quickly. "You're perfect!"

"Good, I would shudder to think the father of my children does not desire me."

"… What?" Naruto asked, somehow paling further.

"This is the first Pseudo-Loop to have the child policy suspended. Besides, I am the Goddess of Fertility, after all," she said with a smile, patting her lower stomach.

"See Dobe, this is what you get for not remembering a condom," the Uchiha replied with a smirk, making a mental note to ensure his birth control shots were up-to-date.

"Oh please," snorted Inari. "As if some piece of plastic or a shot could defy the will of a God. Who in their right mind would believe the one thing a God is powerless against is the Trojan Man?"

"Here, here!" Sakura cheered, raising her glass.

"I did have some friends that wanted to meet you all. They especially wanted to meet your friend, Sasu—was that log always in his seat?"

"Coward," muttered Naruto, wishing he had thought of that.


	14. New Intros 8

**New Intros 8**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow me to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

This group is based on a Groundhog's Day concept, if time was looping, and certain members were aware of this.

These are their insanities.

* * *

**New Loop #1:**

Naruto leaned back into his chair, feeling his heart get a bit heavier. Once again, his hope that perhaps he needed the perfect solution to exit these Loops was proven wrong.

In addition, here he was, waiting for Kakashi-Sensei once again, waiting to begin doing what needed to be done, preparing for Akatsuki, Madara, and so forth.

_Man, this sucks,_ he mentally decided. There just wasn't anymore fun in it.

_You know, I need to take a break,_ he thought. _I just need to stop being Naruto Uzumaki or the son of the Fourth. I need some time off, or I'll go insane._

Well, there had been a number of pranks he had wanted to do, just refusing to do them because in all likelihood, they were not in any taste or would possibly sink his chance to escape the Loops.

However, that wasn't an issue anymore. Once again, he was taking a vacation.

* * *

"And you, Blondie?" asked Kakashi.

Naruto gave an even stare before standing up. "I guess you already know the truth, Kakashi," he said in an even tone.

"Hmm?" asked Kakashi.

"I would expect nothing less from the man Obito Uchiha entrusted with his eye."

That caught the former ANBU's attention.

Naruto turned slowly to Sasuke. "Little brother, you still have not suffered; still have not even approached the path of power to defeat me."

Sasuke's eyes went wide at that. _No, it couldn't be…_

A puff of smoke appeared, surrounding Naruto, dispersing only to leave a missing-nin of S-class. "The boy was easy to deal with, just to check on your progress, or lack thereof," continued the form of Itachi Uchiha.

Sasuke gasped, Sakura wondered what was going on, and Kakashi has discarded his book, revealing his Sharingan eye and powering up Chidori.

"Where is Naruto?" demanded Kakashi.

"He has been dealt with in a manner this former home of mine demanded," said Itachi. "Do not presume to care for your mentor's son, for even I, gone for these years, know how he was treated. Death is a far better option for him."

Kakashi charged, his Sharingan spinning wildly, as he tried to slay the man before him.

As Itachi had done before in the original timeline, he batted the attack aside once more, destroying the rooftop on the other side, before striking Kakashi hard in the gut, forcing the air from his lungs.

"It would appear even you, a former ANBU, have become weak," Itachi said, barely glancing at the man, before returning focus again to Sasuke.

"Surrounded by fangirls, forced to wait to graduate until the age of twelve, pursued by Orochimaru for your eyes which have yet to appear…

"True, this is suffering, but nowhere near the level you need to even approach me," said Itachi, before his eyes took on a new form, the form of his Mangekyō Sharingan. "All of you need a lesson in such."

* * *

Looking around to ensure he had lost the ANBU tail, Itachi smirked before he was once again obscured in a puff of smoke, revealing Naruto Uzumaki once again. "Gotta remember to thank the damned demon fox for such a complete shapeshift," he said, as he took off running towards the horizon. It had after all consumed the remaining Uchiha enough times to produce the needed effects.

Now, as far as Konoha was concerned, Naruto was dead, Akatsuki had struck, and Itachi had used Tsukuyomi on what remained of Team 7.

So in effect, he was free for a while. "So, where do I go now?" he mused. So many choices, so little time before certain missing-nin tried to capture him.

"Oh well, think of that later," he mused, pulling a map from his pocket. "Now, where had a nice relaxing place where I don't have to worry about red clouds or idiots with grudges against my Old Man?" he asked.

However, he would always treasure the look on Sasuke's face when he made him spend seventy-two hours reliving his potty training.

* * *

**New Loop #2:**

Hinata blinked as reality seemed to blur; her stomach and mind feeling as if vertigo had struck her like a kunai.

Then…

"Man, I hope I'm not stuck with Uzumaki or Uchiha on my team," mumbled a kid next to her. "The former sucks and the latter's ego would take up the third spot."

"I hear ya," muttered the kid next to him.

Turning slowly, she looked on, trying to keep the utter shock from appearing on her face. _What's going on? I appear to be back in Iruka-sensei's class…_

Activating her bloodline and using every trick Kurenai had taught her to break Genjutsu, she discovered either the illusion was perfect … or she really had traveled back in time.

She failed to keep the hope and desire for that latter to be true. If it was…

If it was, then she could do so much. She could help Naruto get stronger sooner, help him against Akatsuki, to keep Sasuke from defecting, maybe not get totally outclassed by Pein and stabbed.

No, she would make the future better, not just for the village, not just for her clan, but the man she loved.

To start with, she was going to confess her feelings to him sooner._ Sorry, Sakura-chan, but I must!

* * *

_

"Okay, so we now know Hellsing and Buffy vampires are way better than Twilight vampires," stated Naruto.

"I feel dirty just having been in that world," muttered Sasuke.

"It wasn't too bad," muttered Sakura. "But sparkly vampires?" she asked. "I was hoping for a Loop like Ranma talked about last month, you know; with Spike and Seras in that Loop with that True Blood drink."

"But we got sparkling fairy vampires," sighed Sasuke. "We obviously did something wrong."

"N-Naruto-kun."

Blinking, the blond Jinchuuriki looked up, spotting the Hyuuga heiress before him. _Well, this is new… Hope this doesn't mean we're in some weird alternative version of our world again._ "Hey, Hinata-chan! What's up? How are—"

"Is she tonguing him?" asked Sasuke.

"Oh yeah," smirked Sakura, watching as Hinata continued to give Naruto's tonsils a thorough examination.

"I'm going to take a guess, only a guess mind you," stated Sasuke. "But I do believe either you put her under a Genjutsu…"

"No, but an option for me later on. What's the other option?"

"Well, I do believe Hinata may have just come 'Awake'," Sasuke finished with a smirk.

"Oh, a newbie to instruct," smiled Sakura. "You know what this means?"

"Less crimes against nature, more against humanity?"

"Funny," snorted Sakura. "It means she is almost cherry, ready to be corrupted."

"… See, why do you do that?" asked Sasuke. "I say essentially the same thing you later say, but you call me wrong for some reason. Why is that?"

Naruto missed all of that, trying to find a tactful way to remove himself from the Hyuuga Lip Lock before he ran out of air, without creating the social fous pas of accidentally groping her in a very public venue.

* * *

**New Loop #3:**

"Dobe?"

"Yeah, Teme?"

"You are **so** not picking our weekends for a while!" called out Naruto, striking an attacking Magog as it tried to claw at him.

"How is it my fault we landed in this reality?" asked Sasuke.

"I don't remember any people-eating monkeys before this!"

Sasuke snorted, twisting about to avoid a spray of paralytic toxin from the nearest Magog, before snapping out his sword and beheading the creature. "One hundred, seventy-eight."

"I would be in the lead if I could use—"

"Yeah, yeah," Sasuke spat. "And I have twelve different versions of Chidori I could use to flash fry all the ones on this level of _Andromeda_, so quit bitching."

An ear-piercing shriek ended their debate, causing the swarming Magog to pause in their assault, turning in the direction it had come from.

"Well, I think some found Sakura," muttered Naruto.

"I swear, we can't take her anywhere," Sasuke replied. "It's like she can't help herself, she has to commit one crime against nature every Loop."

"Better them than use, Teme."

"Too true, seventy-nine and eighty," he replied, charging into the dormant beasts before they resumed their attack.

"Hey, Dobe!"

"What?" asked Naruto, punching a Magog hard enough with a Senjutsu-enhanced fist to send it and several others, smashing into the corridor wall with a resounding splat.

"We need to make sure she didn't pick up any of these guys to take home with her. I do not want to see what these guys would do on our world."

"Remember when she was just a quiet and useless fangirl?"

"Ah, the good ole days," muttered Sasuke. "Back when we fought on solid ground and not on starships."

"Less bitching, more killing the angry furries!" yelled Naruto.

"Where the hell is that Hercules asshole when we need him?"

"Wrong reality, Teme. Keep up."

* * *

**New Loop #4:**

Sakura held her hand to her neck, trying to keep from bleeding out. _How did he get here so fast? How did he know?_

Naruto sighed as he stared at Sasuke, Karin down before the Uchiha and dying, Sakura beside him and trying to keep herself from dying from the wound Naruto had inflicted.

"Did you really think I would allow a second person to defect from Konoha, Sakura-chan?" he asked, eyes showing him to be in Sage Mode, "especially after Teme?"

She couldn't speak, lest she allow more damage from her lacerated throat.

Naruto ignored her, focusing on Sasuke.

"You think you can defeat me?" asked Sasuke. "You think you can stop my revenge?"

"I'm sorry; am I bothering the brat whose idea of honoring his brother is to destroy the village said brother gave his existence to save?" asked Naruto. "What is it about the Mangekyō Sharingan that makes their wielders forget common sense?"

"As if someone like you could ever understand?" muttered Sasuke.

"Right, because having your father seal a Bijuu in your gut because the First Hokage couldn't be bothered to ensure Madara Uchiha and his need for vengeance was dead and gone is such a light issue?" spat Naruto. "Any other whines, Sasuke? I might have some cheese to go with them. After all, surely you have suffered more than anyone else."

Chidori powered up again, as the Mangekyō Sharingan activated, focused solely on Naruto. "And you belittle my life?"

Naruto snorted again. Man, how many times had he heard that line, heard Sasuke bemoan his Fate? Sure, he had sworn off vengeance, but that didn't include sheer stupidity. Why was it every time he got this far in the Loop, he had a sudden urge to kill Sasuke?

_Has to be the Mangekyō Sharingan. When it is just the regular Sharingan, I don't have any urges to kill him._ "I belittle pure stupidity. After all, I'm not the one stupid enough to believe Madara and swear vengeance against a village that was my home? After all, who was the one who spread the rumor about how it had to be the Uchiha controlling the Kyuubi no Yoko, despite the fact only two people ever did. One was a Hokage, the other was a whiny little bitch who wore an orange mask.

"Oh, sorry, is it wrong to point out Uchiha stupidity?" he asked with a smile. "It is just so easy to do."

Sasuke focused his Mangekyō Sharingan solely on Naruto, ready to end him. It might cost the rest of his light, but it would be worth it. Chidori charged, he raced towards the infamous 'Dead Last' to end it.

Snorting, Naruto flicked his wrist, twin lines of blood spouting from Sasuke. One pierced his chest, the other insured the Mangekyō Sharingan wouldn't be able to offer the use of the Izanagi technique.

Part of him felt bad for doing it. After all, Sakura was watching, and would likely hold a grudge until the Loop ended. In addition, facing a Mangekyō Sharingan user was always a good workout.

Nevertheless, considering all that had happened in this Loop so far, he had had little patience for the emo. "Wow, the unbeatable Mangekyō Sharingan lost again? Must have something to do with Konoha Shinobi and Hokages," spat Naruto as he turned around, ignoring Sasuke's cries of pain and rage. Without his eyes and the damage from the first wind-chakra strike, the youngest Uchiha would die, he was no longer a threat.

Pausing before Sakura, Naruto glared at her. "I'll be sure to inform Kakashi-sensei of what you did. I look forward to what you tell him to keep from being immediately executed." Sure, she had had a plan, but once again, he was feeling short-tempered this Loop.

Walking away, he wondered if any of them would get away before Madara returned, after learning what Danzō had done with his one remaining Sharingan. Shaking his head, he continued on. It wasn't as if it mattered in the end. Time would reset and before he knew it, a certain Teme would be bitching about his desires to kill his brother once again.

_Nah, not like it matters. Nevertheless, I really should stop doing this. It can't be healthy for my mind._

_Ewww…. I stepped in Teme-blood! Man, this day is sucking already. Damned Fate for trying to take away my Uchiha-slaughtering buzz…_

* * *

**New Loop #5:**

"Dobe, we really aren't that bored, are we?" asked Sasuke.

Naruto snorted. "Hey! This has been a great tradition of our Loop, all the way back to the founding of Konoha!"

"We weren't born, Naruto."

"Details," waved off the blond Jinchuuriki Anchor. "But this has been a tradition of mine for as long as I can remember."

"Not helping your case."

"Fine," waved off Naruto. "Anyway, I read about this happening in Ranma and Harry's worlds too, so it isn't exactly just something only I could think up."

"You are using those worlds to justify yourself?"

Naruto sighed. "Go with me on this, Sasuke."

"I kind of have to, as I used the Uchiha funds to acquire these creatures."

"They are not creatures! They are healthy beings of destruction that happen to go well in ramen, barbeques, and pastas," offered Naruto.

"Still, I paid for them, they weren't cheap, so start spilling, Dobe," stated the youngest living Uchiha.

"It is called the Running of the Bulls!" stated Naruto. "We have them herded thought the village via a Genjutsu I used, in remembrance of the day I used them to get to the Chuunin Exams, Part Three, on time!"

Sasuke just stood by, tapping his foot.

"Fine, the path for them goes through Root HQ, Danzo's private home, the homes of the Council of Elders, and just for shits and giggles, Kabuto's front door."

"Now was that so hard?" asked Sasuke.

"No, but I prefer to looks of surprise."

"So, why I Sakura not invited?"

"Because I want the running of bulls, not genetically altered beasts capable of ripping an S-class nin in half."

"… True," replied Sasuke. "So, who will be running before them?"

Naruto smirked, holding up a small bottle.

* * *

"YOSH!" cried a red-cheeked Rock Lee. "Let's head 'em up and move 'em out!" he slurred, running in front of the bulls. "Dainamikku Entori!" he yelled, launching a devastating Taijutsu kick through the outer wall of Danzo's mansion.

"Exactly what did he drink?" asked Sasuke, watching Lee take on Root ANBU.

"Klingon Blood Wine," smirked Naruto, looking through binoculars as well. "Damn, Sai almost got gored."

"And that is good or bad?"

"Let you know when he gives us our first nicknames this Loop," muttered Naruto.

* * *

**New Loop #6:**

Sarutobi, the Third Hokage, the Professor, found himself in a rare moment in his life.

He was speechless. "Explain this to me … again," he requested.

"Sure thing!" offered Naruto. "Well, after waiting for our instructor for a long time—"

"We invoked the five-minute rule," muttered Sasuke.

"We decided he obviously sucked and was like, totally unprofessional," continued Naruto, having only paused long enough to send Sasuke a glare. "So we went looking for a guy who could be our teacher and was totally awesome and would owe us for it."

Sarutobi nodded, before his gaze focused on the one adult Team 7 had brought in, currently bound, gagged, and with a deep haunted look in his eyes. "So you left Konoha and kidnapped an S-Class missing ninja."

"He was set up by Madara Uchiha," stated Sakura, buffing her nails. "We found all sorts of proof when we raided Danzō's private files to see if we could use Root ANBU, but that didn't work out. Found a bunch of Uchiha eyes that were supposed to be implanted in some guy's arm though." She cackled madly for a moment at thoughts of what she could do with those eyes.

All the males in the room shuddered, as Sarutobi made a note to have Sakura's sanity rechecked.

He also needed to go over the files for each member of Team 7. Not only had they captured a missing ninja, they had also invaded Danzō's private domain. Those were not skills a freshly minted Genin should have.

"Anyway, we learned that apparently old one-eye was really scared of Sasuke's brother, so we figured that meant he was really awesome," continued Naruto. "So we went out, found him, kicked the ass of some fish-guy because Teme wanted his sword."

Sasuke patted the wrapped bundle that was twice his height. "Got the precious…"

"And here we are," finished Naruto. "But I think Sakura got to him. He's been like that for the last day or so."

Itachi shivered on the floor as Sakura patted him on the head.

"So, Jiji, can he be our new instructor?" asked Naruto.

"Naruto," muttered Sarutobi, "he is a missing ninja, wanted for killing his clan."

"As stated," replied Sasuke, slapping a large file on the desk, "we found it was really Madara and Danzō. After all, do you expect anyone to believe a three-year-old Uchiha was ready to destroy Konoha?" he asked.

Sarutobi tried not to stare at a photo that slid out of the folder, one with a man in a black outfit, orange swirl mask, ready to stab an Uchiha in the back with a katana, holding a sign that read 'I hope this doesn't mean Tobi is no longer a good boy.'

"Well, we'll leave you alone so you can fix that problem up and set him up as our kickass instructor," replied Naruto. "We got a dinner date at Ichiraku's!"

"He went a whole day without ramen," muttered Sasuke, grabbing his new sword. "You'd think he was starving to death."

"Bye, Snookie!" chirped Sakura, giving Itachi a kiss on the cheek as she skipped away as well.

Once they were gone, Sarutobi looked down on Itachi. "You okay?" he asked, even as several ANBU entered his office.

"Pink is scary," whispered Itachi, before falling into blissful sleep. She was gone now, she couldn't … _touch_ him anymore.

* * *

"So, think that'll work?" asked Naruto, as they walked down the street.

"If nothing else, I feel as if it was excellent therapy," offered Sasuke.

"Oh please, Mr. 'to pay back my brother, I'll destroy what he saved', like you have room to talk."

"Can't bring me down, Dobe; got me a new sword," smiled Sasuke.

"Boys and their toys," huffed Sakura. "You have no understanding of the proper things in life."

"… I say we send her after Madara," whispered Sasuke.

"Later," waved off Naruto. "We just got a huge-ass bounty, messed up Akatsuki's plans, and stiffed Kakashi. And best of all, no one important was hurt."

"What about Itachi?" asked Sakura.

"Like the Dobe said, no one important," whistled Sasuke, as they approached the ramen stand.

* * *

**New Loop #7:**

Sarutobi rushed with his ANBU, hoping to reach Naruto before something bad happened.

"Sarutobi-sensei!"

Blinking, he turned to his side, spotting Jiraiya coming beside him. "Was hoping you were nearby."

"Letter from my publisher, needed to be here for some book signing by request of the store," Jiraiya offered.

His smile fell as they saw the red chakra aura on top of the Hokage monument. "Minato's seal failing?"

"Perhaps," stated Sarutobi. "All I know is that we have to get there before someone does something stupid to set him off."

"waaaaAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" came a screaming cry as a grey-haired Chuunin flew by them away from the monument.

"Who was that?"

"I think his name was Mizuki, from the Academy," muttered Sarutobi, hoping the Chuunin hadn't tried to take down Naruto on his own. "Come, we better hurry."

* * *

The figure stood there, surrounded by ANBU and a few injured ninjas—those foolish enough to have tried to strike him. Inside the red chakra, he resembled a small blond boy, goggles on his forehead, and whisker-marks on his face. His eyes red, glaring at the village below.

Outside, however, he was covered by red chakra that was burning the ground he stood on. Nine tail-like extensions protruded from his back, waving about. There was no doubt to any that the chakra appearance took on a fox-like appearance.

Finally, the Hokage and Jiraiya arrived.

"Naruto!" yelled Sarutobi. "Can you hear me?"

An ANBU was heard muttering about how the fox-brat should have been killed when he was baby to spare them this trouble.

He soon found one of the chakra tails piercing his heart, before it launched him over Konoha.

"I hate idiots," growled the cloaked blond, as he turned to face the Hokage.

"Where is he?"

"Where is who?" asked Sarutobi.

"I seek the fool who is the reason I am imprisoned in this brat," growled the figure, flexing his hand. "I seek the one responsible for my current suffering!"

"He's dead," stated Jiraiya, already preparing to bring about Sage Mode. _Damn, I should have trained to bring this out quicker!_

"Liar!" sneered the possessed boy. "I can sense him, still out there!

"He will pay, pay for his affront to me, pay for his arrogance!"

"Minato is dead!" yelled Jiraiya.

"… Who?" glared Naruto. "I don't care about this Minato?"

Shock and confusion seemed to fill the ranks, even as several ANBU moved about, prepared to detonate the area the possessed boy was standing on.

"The former Hokage who sealed you into Naruto," stated Sarutobi.

Naruto sneered. "The blond fool who sealed me into his son?" he asked, ignoring several shocked looks directed at him.

"Dupe! I speak of the one who stole control from me and sent me to this backwater settlement of lesser beings to attack! I speak of Madara Uchiha!" it yelled.

"Madara Uchiha?" asked Sarutobi in shock.

"Do you think I would forget the stench of the one monkey who committed such a sin against me?" spat the fox. "Even sealed in this vessel, I shall strike him back for what he did."

"Are you saying Madara Uchiha commanded you to attack this village?" asked Jiraiya.

Naruto growled; power flailing about his body. "That fool will take that secret to his grave. I will find him and make him suffer for what he did to me!" the beast yelled and anger.

"But I am left with a nice consolation prize," sneered Naruto again. "This village, mistaking this pitiful vessel for my magnificence! They shall remember the difference between me and a small monkey!"

"We cannot allow that," Sarutobi said sadly, not liking the chances of saving Naruto. It appeared his failure to impress upon the villagers of Minato's last wish.

Naruto chuckled. "You think these people will fare better now than they did those years ago?

"Fine then, a wager," the figure smirked. "Bring me Madara Uchiha, and I will spare this village, even after the insults these fools give," it spat. "I'll grant you from now, the time since I have been imprisoned in him.

"Fail, and well…" it sneered, chuckling darkly. "Hell, I'll even support this vessel. No host of me shall be so weak." He looked at his hands. "Yes, the brat may prove useful to me later on."

Sarutobi glared. Deny it, and he had no doubt Kyuubi would attack. Accept it, and he had six years to track down someone who should have been dead decades ago.

However, looking about, he saw something in the eyes of the nearby Uchiha: anger. Perhaps they were looking for a scapegoat as well, rumors of a possible revolt had reached even his ears.

Yes, this might even give him time to get the Uchiha back into the fold. If Madara failed to turn up, he would need all the help he could get. "Agreed."

The figure nodded, the cloak shrinking. "Oh, as insurance; should you or yours attack my vessel, I will come forth, and I will kill them, **no … matter … what**," it finished, before disappearing, leaving behind a confused blond.

"Jiji, why am I out here?"

* * *

_Well, that was fun!_ mentally cheered Naruto.

**I feel dirty and used,** commented Kyuubi.

_Oh, be quiet. We may have saved the Uchiha, made Madara an open enemy who can't hide in the shadows like he'd wants, and threw a wrench in old One-Eye's plans._

**…**

_How about even though Jiraiya is staying nearby in case you 'break out' again, we'll still have a stream of targets coming to kidnap and/or kill us for a long time to come?_

He heard the fox sniff. **You really know how to cheer a Bijuu up, you know that, brat.**

"So, how about some ramen?" asked Jiraiya, ignoring some glares from the surrounding civilians. Sarutobi would make a proclamation later on, assuming the news that the Kyuubi claimed Naruto was Minato's son didn't pass it first.

"YEAH!" cried Naruto. "You're the best creepy old man ever!"

The Toad Sage fought an eye tick, forcing back the urge to slap the kid's head for calling him a creepy old guy.

* * *

**New Loop #8:**

"Um, hello?" asked the woman, answering the door.

"Are you Jennifer Simmons, formerly Williams?" asked the figure, hat obscuring his eyes.

"Yeah," the woman stated, tossing her long red hair over her shoulder. "What is this about?"

"Investigation, ma'am," replied the guy, pulling out a pad. "And do you write fanfiction under the name 'ForbiddenY78'?"

"Yeah," the woman responded. "You got a problem with fanfic?" she growled.

"No ma'am, just getting the facts," the guy stated. "And do you write _Naruto_ fanfiction?"

"You hate that series?" she demanded.

"Once again, ma'am; just the facts," he responded calmly again, making a note on his pad. "One more question, are the fanfics you wrote primarily NaruSasu?" he asked.

"Of course!" she chirped. "Everyone knows that those two are merely repressed lovers. Why else would Naruto fawn all over trying to get him back, when he has—hey, you kinda look like Sasuke!"

"Amaterasu!"

* * *

Naruto sat at a café, enjoying his muffin and coffee, as several fire trucks drove by. Chuckling lightly, he turned towards a formerly empty seat, seeing his friend sitting there. "We're ninja, you ever heard of 'killing in silence'?"

Sasuke snorted. "Trained in the Land of Sound, Dobe.

"Besides, she wrote yaoi staring me and you. She deserved no mercy," he said coldly.

"And yet Sakura remains alive."

"I'm passionate, not stupid," snorted Sasuke. "Besides, I don't see you doing anything against these people's unholy fascination with pairing me and you."

Chuckling lightly, Naruto pointed to a television set, showing a scene even Sasuke was impressed with.

**"No one knows how this giant fox came to attack Tokyo, but police have asked that this 'Masashi Kishimoto' it is demanding be brought before it to answer questions. If not, it will level a ward of Tokyo every hour!"**

"Wow, Dobe; ever hear of overkill?" snorted Sasuke.

"Hey, you attack the symptoms, I go for the source. If he gets off his ass and pairs me with a girl—preferably Hinata, then my troubles are over."

"Can't resist the Hyuuga bloodline?" Sasuke smirked.

"No, don't want to be poisoned by Sakura, Ino can't shut up, and Temari hits."

"What about the priestess girl?"

"Like I'd ever be allowed to leave Konoha for that," Naruto sighed. "Canon won't allow it."

"Fuck canon," growled Sasuke. "And speaking of the evils of canon, where is Sakura?"

"No clue, but if I hear of virus outbreaks, some city called Raccoon, or Umbrella Corporations, I'm teleporting offworld."

"Ditto," replied Sasuke, motioning for the waitress.

"You did remember to change the fire to normal before leaving, right?" asked Naruto.

"…"

"… Damn it, Teme."

"Only holy fire can cleanse the earth of a fallen fangirl," the Uchiha stated sagely.

* * *

**New Loop #9:**

_Keep meditating, keep the connection, keep in tune,_ he thought, keeping the meditation going.

"Where is he?" yelled Sakura for the fifth time in the last hour.

He kept still, knowing what she and Sasuke were going through. Unlike him, they hadn't eaten breakfast and had expected Kakashi to be on-time.

That had long ago stopped being funny. There had been times he had shown up with breakfast for everyone—took a few tries, as they found ramen **not** a suitable breakfast item. However, like many things, at first it was funny to watch them suffer for not listening to his warnings, then it became sad.

So here he was, waiting for yet another fun moment with Kakashi, ready to show his Team Sensei why you should always look underneath the underneath.

* * *

"Well?" asked Kakashi. He was a bit shocked at Uzumaki. The file on the kid said he was a loudmouth, more action than word, and likely attack blindly.

However, the kid was still sitting there, still in the same meditative stance he had been since Kakashi had arrived. If the pinkette was correct in her loud speech, he'd been like that before they had even arrived.

"Well what?" asked Naruto.

"You do realize you'll fail if you don't try for the bells," Kakashi stated.

"Maybe, maybe not," Naruto said, standing up slowly, eyes still closed. "Maybe I know the true purpose behind this test, because I know a little about it."

"Oh? Do tell," Kakashi said, putting his book away. Something about the way the kid was acting screamed to him not to treat him lightly.

"Basically, it is a test to see if we can work as a team. The whole thing is designed to set us against one another."

"… Maybe," said Kakashi. "Or maybe I do it differently. For all you know, I only planned to take two students."

Naruto chuckled lightly. "Then the selection process would have been different. Don't assume just because my grades were poor that I am a poor student; it would show you didn't look too hard."

Kakashi's hand went up to his forehead protector, ready to move it. Perhaps his senses were wrong, but the kid was beginning to scream 'threat' to him. "You are nothing like your profile."

"My profile was to suit a bunch of morons who assumed the Fourth didn't know shit about sealing," Naruto stated calmly. "A persona to fit their needs, to appear as not a threat, since Jiji refused to reign them in with common sense and a reinforcement of the truth.

"But I'll hold off. Sasuke is about to attack you again."

_At least the kid knows how to use a distraction,_ Kakashi lamented as he twisted to avoid a Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu from Sasuke. Though Naruto did peak his attention further when, instead of getting out of the way of the oncoming technique, flicked his arm and sliced it in half, allowing it to pass harmlessly on both sides.

_What are you hiding, Naruto?

* * *

_

"Okay, I think we can talk now," stated Kakashi, tossing the Genjutsu-trapped Sakura next to the buried Sasuke thanks to Magen: Narakumi no Jutsu and Doton: Shinjū Zanshu no Jutsu respectively.

"You know, you think that they would have picked something up listening to me," Naruto said sadly. "I talk about teamwork, and the first thing they do is go alone."

"Sakura did show some teamwork," stated Kakashi.

"A fangirl does not make teamwork," stated Naruto.

"… True," Kakashi admitted.

"So, I guess the only way they'll pass now is if I get those bells and give them to them," Naruto stated.

"I don't need your help," growled Sasuke.

"You plan to bite his shins until he surrenders?" asked Naruto.

"Anyway, I better start, only got five minutes left," he finished, stretching slightly.

"Pretty confident," stated Kakashi, exposing his Sharingan.

Smiling, Naruto opened his eyes, revealing not the blue eyes one would expect, but yellow toad-like eyes. "Let's see if I deserve it." This time, he was going to see if he could make Kakashi cry **without** burning his Icha-Icha.

* * *

**New Loop #10:**

Cackling madly, Naruto raced about the hidden bunker, prepping items for transfer, mixing some for fun, others for safety.

Kyuubi gave his container a hooded glare before settling back to sleep on a crate. That last Loop had taken a lot out of him—what with the freed Bijuu, undead Akatsuki, and fangirls…

Oh, the horror of fangirls… Yes, Kyuubi had learned of a force even more evil than Sasuke's chakra from the original timeline. "Are you sure you should be pulling this, brat?" he asked.

Naruto paused in his impersonation of a mad scientist. "What? You see something wrong?"

"Well, aside from that mixture in the greenish-brown vat could very well attract every vixen here … again … on this miserable rock, to you."

Naruto slowly turned towards the vat in question. "Damn, now I need another concoction for the Stinky Glue bombs.

"Wait; how will that attract … **them**?" he asked.

Kyuubi yawned. "What was the fourth ingredient?"

"Chakra infused—oh!" Naruto stated, slapping himself on his forehead. "Right, forgot to think like a fox."

"Think like a Yoko," snorted the Kyuubi.

Naruto gave him a hooded glare. "Blowing shit up isn't that much fun anymore. In addition, it'll likely lead to a reset.

"Do you want another chance at the undead?" Naruto asked in all seriousness.

"Fine," snorted the Kyuubi. "But I am a force of nature, brat. I like blowing shit up."

"Yeah, well even with this invasion, I'd rather not blow up my home. I just planted that herb garden, you know."

"Yes, you and your quest to master making your own ramen…"

"Hey! Teuchi said that if I can ever get a killer ramen—aside from stealing his diet ramen idea—he'd put it on the menu and credit me."

"Whatever," waved off the fox. After all, what could those pranks do that good old-fashioned slaughter couldn't?

* * *

The ceremony finished, the Sand ninjas grabbed the scrolls and slammed them down, activating the summoning circle, covering the area in a cloud of smoke.

When it cleared, they found not a giant three-headed snake, but an even larger toad.

Said toad patted its belly. "Love fast food," it muttered, before vanishing in a cloud of smoke.

When the smoke cleared, the Sand ninja discovered a second summoning circle in the middle of their own.

* * *

In the surrounding forest, hundreds of Sound and Sand ninja waited for the sign to strike.

The giant snake never came to tear through the walls of Konoha and allow them entrance.

However, above each ninja, a balloon did explode, dropping an assortment of vile liquids on top of them.

"What the hell is this shit?" grumbled one Sound Jounin.

"Probably," muttered a Sand Chuunin.

"What's that noise?" muttered a Sound Genin.

Slowly, as the noises of the forest stopped, the assembled ninja looked up … and screamed.

* * *

Kabuto smirked behind his mask, ready to activate the Genjutsu and drop many in the stadium.

Of course, having been busy looking to ensure he was not being watched, or anyone suspected the man in the ANBU outfit was not ANBU, he didn't notice an odd stone arrangement in the floor, on the aisle he was standing on.

At least, not until his body started to mold the chakra to activate the Genjutsu, triggering the stone to shoot up, revealing it was the top of a column.

It became even clearer to the triple-agent when it shot up between his legs.

* * *

Orochimaru growled at the cackling Jinchuuriki. His Sound Four had failed to set up the barrier.

No, the barrier was the last thing on their mind.

Tayuya was dancing about, performing a strip tease to music only she could hear or was direction with her flute. Jirōbō was giggling madly, occasionally muttering how he had the munchies. Kidōmaru was wandering about the roof, singing about someone called 'Spider-man'. Finally, Sakon and Ukon were fused into some random blob of body parts, muttering about colors.

Moreover, through it all, the Kyuubi brat was smiling at him.

"Man, when you worked on their poison resistance, you should have also worked on mind-altering substances as well," Naruto spoke. "Actually they may be OD-ing right now," he muttered. _Wow, Tayuya wears granny-panties!_

"You'll pay for this, brat!" yelled Orochimaru, as he began to do the signs for Kuchiyose: Edo Tensei.

As Sarutobi moved to stand in front of Naruto, the blond wondered exactly what would happen when Orochimaru put those seals into their skulls. After all, he was pretty sure the process wasn't made for using Bunshin Daibakuha instead of live humans.

Oh well, he wasn't the one standing right by them. He just hoped his final prank was going well.

* * *

"Put me down and fight!" yelled Sasuke.

"… No," stated Gaara, as his sand continued to hold the Uchiha prisoner. His mind was focused on reading the strange orange book Uzumaki had given him. For some reason, he felt like giggling.


End file.
